Recently, I was doing a little self-reflection, considering some of the men I’ve dated in the past and my perpetually awful taste.
After some thought (and a lot of wine), I decided there were two common denominators amongst my exes: They all dated me, and they were all certifiably insane.
I’ve always been all about a good dick.
Yeah, I said it. Give a girl a good dick, and she’ll get off for the rest of her life. Is that not how the saying goes? No? Anyone? *crickets*
Up until recently, I have given zero f*cks about the man attached to the dick. If a guy I was hooking up with could give me multiple orgasms, it was all I could think about.
I would have lucid dreams about those sexual encounters all while barely remembering the dude’s name, let alone the sound of his voice or the way he smelled. You know, love stuff.
I was so drawn to the physical that I couldn’t see anything else. I was confusing profound lust with love.
That’s the thing about girls: You think we get attached with our hearts, but that just isn’t the truth for all of us.
There are very few men out there who have the stuff to get a girl off. It’s not like with guys who can make it happen, regardless of the individual or circumstances (whiskey dick aside).
Once a girl finds a guy who can get her off, it’s very hard to detach. Even if he is a total maniac, we get nailed to the cross of passion after we get nailed.
We hold on with more than just our hearts. We barricade with our lady loins. We literally become enslaved by the penis.
Hence, why I have always ended up dating psychotic people: I think with my vagina instead of my head.
The thing is, you can’t date someone for the sex. You can’t make a relationship last that way.
You’ll end up having babies with a crazy and leading a miserable life drowned in chardonnay and Billie Holiday.
A friend of a friend, a professor from Poland, was recently going through a divorce with his wife.
The advice he gave us about marriage was some of the realest I have ever heard:
In the end, you need to actually LIKE the person you end up with.
In the end, going down isn’t going to make you feel better when you’re down. In the end, getting off isn’t going to get you off the hook.
I’ve realized I need to stop thinking with my vagina instead of my brain.
I need to look for something emotional, not just physical. I need to find a partner, not just a penis.
Because I want love, but I lose to lust
I always say I just want to meet a nice boy who treats me right.
The problem is I always end up dating assh*les who are amazing lovers.
The nice ones never seem to have the passion. I want to find love and happiness, but my vagina always chooses the great sex over the great love.
Because great sex does not make a great boyfriend
Just because a guy is a great lover does not mean he will be a decent boyfriend.
I’ve often found my views on men to be convoluted because I become so focused on the physical aspects of the relationship that I completely neglect the emotional.
I find myself wrapped up in the throes of passion instead of taking the time to get to know someone.
Because orgasms don’t make up for personality
No amount of incredible orgasms can make up for a lack of personality. If he’s only interesting inside of the bedroom, he isn’t going to make you happy or satisfied.
It takes both passion and a keen intellect to make a solid relationship. Orgasms will never fully fill the void of conversation.
Because you need to spend time together outside of the boudoir
I once had a boyfriend who used to make me feel like I’d wasted my night if I came over and we didn’t have sex.
I finally realized if I felt this way, we clearly didn’t have a healthy relationship.
Your partner should be your friend. He should be someone you actively want to spend time doing fun activities with (other than just touching each other’s bodies).
Because good head doesn’t make up for a bad mind
If he’s a sh*tty person, but the sex is great, it’s a sh*tty relationship.
You will not come out unscathed if you’re dating a jackass just because he knows how to go down on you with the voracious ferocity of a chubby kid licking an ice cream cone.
Your body may feel satisfied, but your heart will feel starved for emotional stability.
Because you can’t f*ck the pain away
If you hurt each other, make-up sex isn’t always going to fix everything and make it better.
You have to be willing to work through your problems and put in the time it takes to construct a long lasting, loving partnership.
You have to be willing to take all the bad that comes with all that good. Getting hard won’t get you through the hard times.
Because sex doesn’t last forever
Love is the thing that lasts forever. The sex might be off-the-charts amazing, but no matter how good it is, it won’t last forever. Passion can only take you so far.
At the end of the day, I want to be with someone who is going to hold my old, wrinkly hand as we stroll through the park, feeding the ducks.
I want to be with more than just my bedmate; I want to be with my soulmate.
Because there is a person attached to that dick
I’ve realized the thing I need to comprehend and digest is there really is a living, breathing person attached to that glorious penis I cannot get enough of.
Before jumping into a pseudo-perfect romance that I’ve concocted from my overactive imagination, I need to actually get to know the person I’m sleeping with.
I need to make love with his mind and love his personality before I let my body take control of my actions.
At the end of the day, I need to actually love the PERSON I’m with, not just the SEX I’m having with that person.