Yet another day of contrived love has come forth on the lonely, old timeline of your life, and you’re single once again… What else is new, right?
The way I see it, this leaves you with two options:
1. You can torture yourself with photos and status updates of your social media pals being spoiled by their significant others, moments before they all totally get laid.
2. You can get up off your sorry, single ass and get some sorry, single ass.
Not in the mood for picking up? Maybe you would like to try the pizza challenge, which involves you eating pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Fancy a 16-hour sleep marathon after work? Go right ahead and do that.
In case you forgot, you’re single, so you can literally do whatever the f*ck you want.
Think about it: All those attached women are pretending to like the stupid papier-mâché sculptures their boyfriends made them, followed by pretending to enjoy cliché sex on a bed of roses. Sounds like an awkward night that a bottle of wine and Netflix can easily edge out.
Not to mention, there are all those "lucky" wifed-up guys, who drop serious cabbage on some lame day to celebrate “feelings.”
A day that was traditionally a time to express mutual love by trading gifts and confectionary offerings has become a consumerist ploy to force men to go above and beyond while under the scrutiny and high expectations of their significant others.
Why on earth would you feel resentment toward any of this? Valentine’s Day is probably the best time to be single.
In fact, didn’t you know? Valentine’s Day is an indirect celebration of singlehood; it’s sort of like Independence Day, with Britain representing societal norms.
As all those people in relationships are out there fighting to keep humanity’s traditions and values concerning love intact, the least we can do is pass out early, surrounded by cheeseburger wrappers and the soft glow of award-winning television in the background.
So, ladies, when your mom calls to investigate why there isn’t a nice man taking you out on V-Day, tell her to call back later because you’re too busy celebrating your freedom.
Then, emancipate yourself from the situation by putting on a warrior face and doing a high-kick as you hang up the phone (unless you haven’t stretched in a while).
As for my fellow single dudes, it might be a good time to head to the local bar and keep a poor, lonely girl company during one of the coldest nights of her year.
Wash the K-Y Jelly from your hands, blow out all the candles your ex-girlfriend thought would be cute decorations in your room and then head out.
Whatever you choose to do this Valentine’s Day, make sure you choose a good time. This is your day — a day when the world has misguided sympathy for you, when everyone expects very little of you and when attention is put elsewhere.
Capitalize on this and inconspicuously slip away into something you’d rather be doing anyway. Also, take advantage of all the candy that goes on sale after Valentine’s Day to do your part in destroying (via mass consumption) as much of it as you can.
Valentine’s Day likely won’t be this epic forever, so be sure to enjoy it to the fullest, until some charming prince or sassy vixen comes into your life and completely ruins it.
