While I was growing up, I came to realize my father was the type of man who would do anything for his wife, any time of the day.
Whether it be driving 45 minutes away to Taco Bell to retrieve three burrito supremes, or to the nearest mall to buy her a shirt she just had to have, my father puts up no fuss when it comes to making her happy.
My mom has told me how her father was the same way toward her mother, so I began to believe being spoiled by my future partner(s) would be essential for a happy and successful relationship.
I eventually found someone who was as selfless as my father and grandfather, but it was not as rewarding as I imagined it would be.
Although most people would think being with someone who showered you with constant attention, gifts and unconditional love is perfect, that was simply not the case — for me, anyway.
Here is why you shouldn’t date someone who is obsessed with you:
1. There was no challenge.
As an individual who studied rhetoric in college, I can appreciate [some] disagreements.
However, my ex would rarely ever be opposed to my thoughts and opinions, which really pissed me off.
There’s no way he agreed with everything I had to say, especially when I delved into topics he was more credible toward.
I enjoy individuals who have minds of their own and can introduce and support their own notions when holding discussions with me.
Even if someone and I can’t reach a mutual agreement, I’m open to learning a new perspective.
If he or she does agree with me, I like to hear and see that he or she thoroughly understood the context of the matter, or maybe had his or her own reasoning for the stance.
I often felt my ex was afraid of putting forth a different viewpoint because it might result in a quarrel.
Therefore, he didn’t exactly offer useful commentary or contributions toward our conversations, and I became bored rather quickly.
He didn’t feel like my equal; he felt like my mentee.
2. He was too submissive.
Since I could really get anything I wanted from this guy, I tended to really push my boundaries.
But, sometimes I really need to be told “no” and be called out on my bullsh*t/ridiculousness.
However, he barely said “no” to me, and could never stay mad at me for more than a few hours — no matter the severity of what I did.
At one point, I told him I didn’t think I could be with him any longer because I didn’t like his sister, whom he is extremely protective over.
I expressed in detail what I didn’t like about her, and even this dispute didn’t stop him from pursuing me.
At that point, I lost a lot of respect for him, especially because I expected him to be more loyal to his sister.
I witnessed the significance of their relationship, and I definitely didn’t deserve to be as large of a priority as her.
I felt that his feelings toward me stood in the way of him being true to his deepest values, which I knew I wouldn’t reciprocate.
3. He would ditch his friends for me.
Many girls would be thrilled about this. But, my ex would choose me over them anytime I was available.
I, on the other hand, would consider dropping my plans with him the moment my friends would text me with words, “wine,” “party” or “food.”
It’s important to remember that your friends should come before your significant other most — but not all — the time, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
It also shows that you and your partner [can] have a life outside of the time you spend together, no matter how deeply involved you are.
If he or she is always willing to choose you over his or her friends, it demonstrates a dependence on and over-investment in you, which in itself is telling of the imbalance of commitment to your relationship.
4. He got ahead of himself.
Because my ex was much more invested in our relationship than I was, he would also try to take steps with me that I was far from ready to pursue.
He would always urge me to go to his [extended] family outings and events when he had only met my parents once or twice.
I would agree to attend said events, only because his family was already expecting me and I didn’t want to upset him.
Since I was not completely ready for this step, and he had taken the liberty of making that decision for me, this further established the unbalanced investment between us.
I also felt obligated to reciprocate the gesture, even though I thought it was too early on to do this.
It’s important to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page when taking defining steps in your relationship.
Going too fast may only set up an uncomfortable basis of expectations that one partner may not be ready or able to fulfill.
While some of these qualities could be considered positive, I have found they’re best in moderation.
In excess, they create a foundation where power may become unbalanced between you and your partner.
I’m sure many have been in my ex’s shoes — I know I have — and this imbalance can sometimes be detrimental.
You deserve someone who will be your equal and will possess equivalent parts of individuality and dependence.