Sometimes, it feels as if my generation has decided to settle for less when it comes to love and matters of the heart. There are few people who take the initiative to find passion in monogamy and commitment, and there are even fewer who make the effort to maintain that commitment.
Generation-Y is all about consumption, and the relationships we engage in are no exception. All people are out to be with someone who benefits them. Nobody takes into consideration whether the relationship is for the short or long term.
Love has gone from being about uplifting another person and finding a soulmate to being a means to an end. It has gone from being a primary verb to being a subservient adverb. I think that we are long overdue to break this cycle. Generation-Y has made no progress toward increasing the value of love.
The doubters will disagree. Maybe you will disagree as well.
“I have known true love,” you may say. “I am in love right now,” you may say.
How can you ever truly love someone unless you know what love really is? The answer is quite simple: You can't.
Generation-Y has four illusions of love, and we all practice them quite often. All four of these illusions are under the mighty guise of love. But, in fact, they are anything but love.
Consider this my revelation to my fellow peers of Generation-Y. My hope is that once you learn and know the truth about the four illusions of love, you will do better and not settle for anything less than true love. You deserve so much better than these lies:
This guise is perhaps the most common and most accepted form of love in my generation. You meet someone, you fit well together and you like each other. Things just seem to work out fine between the two of you.
You may have things in common. You share laughs, run in the same social circles and don't argue about much. The relationship may be easy.
Perhaps you have known this person forever, and you don't have the guts to try someone new. Perhaps you have tried someone new, but you unintentionally sabotaged the relationship in the fear that it wouldn't work out anyway. Whatever the case may be, you are tied to this person due to the comfort associated with familiarity. Other words that come to mind include convenience, settling and mediocre.
Do not be deceived into thinking that a relationship without struggle and strife is an ideal relationship. It is the complete opposite. This relationship has no passion, no guts and nothing at its core. Generation-Y engages in this type of relationship for several reasons, including fear of rejection and being complacent.
We sometimes feel we do not deserve anything better. Love should never be so mundane and so predictable that raw emotion becomes subservient to routine. Everyone deserves to find his or her soulmate.
You should not feel as if you're stuck with someone out of the fear of breaking free, even if that means you have to stand alone for a period of time.
This guise of love is heavily used as an excuse by my generation to engage in impulsive and mostly irrational relationship activities. It also serves as a catalyst for the destruction of true love for the few of us who have been lucky to find it.
You name it, and I guarantee I've heard it before: from the lost guy who just mindlessly continues to partake in sexual deviances with random girls, building no lasting connections and making no effort at a worthwhile commitment, to the girl who deceivingly sends late-night texts to a guy who is not her boyfriend, just because he had to work late and was not giving her enough attention.
Or how about the guy who knows he has no real interest in committing to a girl, but continues to lead her on anyway because he has no other available options? Let's not forget about the girl on the rebound. She is fresh off an old relationship, but she's using a new guy to mask the pain of the relationship she really has not moved on from.
The excuse of loneliness to engage in sexual acts, avoid monogamy, emotionally betray another person and use and abuse another person are not acts of love. Do not be convinced that these things can lead to love, or that by partaking in them, someone will eventually grow to love you.
Loneliness is a wicked trick. It can get to the best of us. But what matters is how you respond to it.
You can choose to be patient and wait for the true love that you deserve, or you can choose to be the “Netflix and chill” girl, giving up the chance for a lifetime spent with Mr. Right in favor of inconsistent and uneventful nights with Mr. Right Now.
I am definitely a Lifetime Movie Network kind of girl. I love the drama, suspense, plot twists, passion, chaos and sheer madness that most of the movies are made up of. The relationships depicted in these movies are most often intense, dangerous, enticing, volatile, romantic, deceitful and ever-changing.
The relationships can go from being sweet, loving and charming to harsh, cruel and unpredictable, all in the span of one commercial break. This certainly makes for an interesting movie, but could you imagine having to live out a relationship that mirrors the characteristics listed above in your everyday life?
Relationship toxicity is the most dangerous guise of love for my generation, and it is absolutely heartbreaking. It can take the form of lying, cheating, domestic violence, verbal abuse, substance abuse and stress from arguing. It can even happen as a consequence of staying involved with someone out of guilt, or the false hope that you can change his or her toxic behavior.
Toxicity is an evil and vicious cycle. It can entangle you if you refuse to see the signs and take the steps to remove yourself from the relationship.
Earlier, I mentioned that comfort is a guise of love, and that true love does not emit mundane routine. It doesn't equate to not having struggles and strife. I stand by that statement.
But I also stand by the one I am about to make next: True love should not be a constant struggle, a depression or oppression. It should not mean having to lower your standards to meet someone else's.
True love does not emit hate, negativity, feelings of being less than, a low level of self-esteem, abuse of any nature, fear, regret or a state of constant chaos. Being in a toxic relationship can lead to death, trauma and depression.
Someone who truly loves you will uplift you, not tear you down. Someone who truly loves you will appreciate your similarities and celebrate your uniqueness. Someone who truly loves you will speak blessings over you.
Someone who truly loves you will cherish you, adore you and realize your worth. This person will not mock you, abuse you, lie to you or continually hurt you.
Millennials think they're invincible, and they are always out seeking the next adrenaline rush. Generation-Y is always up for a wild ride. But if you find you have lost yourself in the thrill of it all, the ride may not have been worth it after all.
True love encompasses two independent individuals coming together to share and capitalize on their strengths, beliefs, likeness, interests and abilities. Codependency is a guise of love that has handicapped my generation, and it stems from being too comfortable in a relationship.
Individuality has been compromised and dumbed down to better mold into the mass co-existence, and more specifically, to mold into our partners. Love is all about feeding off your partner, but it's not about completely and utterly relying on him or her for everything.
Everything is better in moderation, and being dependent on your partner is no exception. You should have your own interests, hobbies, friends and activities that are separate from those of your loved one. A sense of independence is crucial for the success of a relationship.
Generation-Y gets love confused with having someone there at their beck and call. It is never healthy to be intertwined with someone in all aspects of your life, 24 hours a day and seven days a week. You cannot be truly in love with another person until you first love yourself.
Love is about being able to stand firm alone, and then coming together with another person who loves all of the unique things about you. Do not allow yourself to become stuck in a rut and tricked into believing that you are incapable of living life without a certain person.
You were alone when you first came into this world, and you will pass on alone in the same way when you die. You should not let the existence, cooperation and will of another person dictate the course of your life, period.
I challenge you all to break the mold of our generation's definition of love. My hope is that we can learn to value commitment, monogamy and transparency in our relationships with each other.
Let us do better now that we know better. Let's aim for passion and not comfort. Let's strive for longevity and not quick fixes to loneliness.
Let us stand firm in our truths and break free of toxicity, and let's revel in that standing on our own, instead of being dependent on a significant other. Let us no longer be disillusioned.