I Hate How Much I Love You: A Letter To The Girl I Both Love And Hate

by Paul Hudson

If you’ve never loved and hated someone at the same time, you've never truly been in love.

Sure, there’s much more to love than just feelings. But the emotions we experience in love make such a lasting effect. We become our true selves because of how we feel about people.

Often, these feelings seem to battle each other. We can both love and hate our partners.

This has happened billions of times around the world. But each story is a little different. Sometimes these emotions begin to conflict early on in the relationship.

Other times, we begin to feel resentment later on in the relationship, when we suspect that our partner is falling out of love.

Other times, still, it happens when we try to rekindle a past love.

No matter which of these situations you’ve found yourself in, loving and hating someone at the same time means you’re certainly in for a hell of a ride.

And that’s how I feel with you.

I hate how cold you can be, but I still want you.

I hate how cold you are to me, but in those brief moments when you warm up to me and show me the real you, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Your smile makes me feel alive.

I hate when you won’t talk to me. Sure, you say words, but the conversations are shallow. It feels like I'm speaking to your shadow -- not your real self. I just want to get to know you on a deeper level, and I hate that you won’t let me.

Because I know that, deep down inside, there’s love. There’s a big, caring heart and an incredibly beautiful soul.

I hate how you distance yourself, but that only makes me want to bring you in closer.

I understand your need your space. Everyone does. But the only way for us to build a lasting relationship together is for us to actually be together. And I don't mean just in the same room. I'm talking about on the same wavelength.

I want us to become one and the same. I want a partnership, a unit, a love. I’m not sure if you’re scared or just not ready (which I understand), but I need you to know how much I want and need this.

There is no doubt in my mind that one day we will be all I know we can be. I just wish that day would come a lot sooner.

I hate that you don’t trust me, but I want you to open up to me.

I’m trustworthy, but you don’t seem to believe it.

I know you’re not to blame, though. You’ve had it rough for quite some time now. You've suffered from failed relationships, heartbreak and abandonment by your friends. I’m incredibly sorry for that.

I know I may have made some mistakes in the past, but I love you. I’m here for you and will always be here for you. Trust me.

You’re someone I will never fully let go of; you are a part of me. You influenced me in a way that no one else will ever influence me again. And the path I’m on is largely due to having met and loved you. I couldn’t leave you if I wanted to.

I hate that you don’t care about me the way I wish you did, but I know one day you could.

It hurts. When I look at you or talk to you, I can tell you don’t care about me the way I care about you.

And though it hurts unlike any pain I’ve endured before, it’s okay. I understand you don't love me.

But you could. And if there is an order to this world -- one in which love wins in the end -- then you will love me, eventually. It just wouldn’t make sense that someone who loves someone as deeply as I love you wouldn't receive that love in return. It just can’t be.

I don’t love you like I’ve loved anyone else before; I love you the way someone is supposed to love someone.

I hate how much I love you.

It breaks my heart how much I love you. It hurts to love you. If I just loved you a little less -- just a little -- then I’d be able to move on and let go. I know that’s probably what I ought to do, but I don’t know how.

How does one let go of someone who has become a part of them? Tell me where to cut the cord, and I will.

I hate myself for loving you, because I know I deserve better than this. I know I deserve the love I'm giving you.

Why can’t you be that person to me? Why can’t you let me love you? If you won’t let me love you, at least let me hate you completely. I can’t go on loving and hating you at the same time. The tension inside me is building, and I’m feeling like I’m about to implode.

But I know this will one day all work itself out. You will either love me, or I’ll find a way to survive without you. It won’t be easy. I’m not even sure it’s possible to ever completely let go of you, but I have to try.

I won’t let you be the end of me, because there’s a life out there waiting for me to live it. Just know that this could have been beautiful. We could have been beautiful together.

And it wasn’t me who ruined it. Not this time.

For More Of His Thoughts And Ramblings, Follow Paul Hudson On Twitter, Facebook, And Instagram.