Have you ever been with a friend, who's a pretty cool dude, who you'd never imagine would have trouble meeting women, until he's out talking to a woman and suddenly undergoes a metamorphosis from cool to "who the heck is this dude?"
I'd always asked myself, "Why does this guy feel the need to act differently around women when he is a pretty cool guy to begin with?" Until I realized it happened to me almost every time I interacted with this one girl I liked.
With this realization, I discovered the secret: The key to overcoming this common sticking point is by being nonreactive.
In the case of meeting women, their reactions control your self-image and your emotional state.
Your actions become purely based on eliciting a positive reaction because that to you is the only thing that can either enhance or completely obliterate your self-image.
That's what clowns do. They exist to entertain and be the dancing monkeys.
Realize the true meaning of "being yourself."
The phrase "be yourself" is essentially the same as being nonreactive. Stop reacting to what she says and/or does. There's nothing at stake!
Do you know the difference between going to an interview because your rent depends on it versus going to an interview and having all the money in the world? In the first scenario, you're nervous and tense because you might lose your home (your sense of identity), and in the other, you have nothing to lose because you already have it all (being nonreactive, self-sustaining).
Ask yourself: Why do I feel the need for her to like me? What am I lacking that her validation will fulfill in me?
If you believe being with her is going to make you happy, then you're living in reaction. You're making women your source of happiness.
Happiness is a fragile thing that should not be delegated to someone or something else. The idea of placing the load of responsibility on a stranger is why most elect to stay at home and do nothing about their love lives. The pain of being rejected is too intense; humans are motivated through wanting to avoid pain and gain pleasure.
As a result, our attention is focused on not wanting to feel a certain way, which, in turn, amplifies the same emotions we're trying to get rid of.
Find a real source of validation within yourself.
The reason nervousness, stress and/or anxiety consumes our conscious attention when we're approaching or trying to ask a girl out is because we're resisting what's going on in that moment. Resistance is also the exact same reason you run out of things to say when trying to pick up a girl. Your mind is unable to vibe with another person because it's focused on changing something that's outside of its control.
As a result, your internal battle to want to feel "better" causes you to project a needy vibe, and the only solution that social conditioning has taught you is external stimulation, which, in this case, is a woman's positive reaction.
The more you need to feel better about yourself, the more you seek it. It becomes a drug. As soon as you get a text from a potential girl, you'll instantly pick up the phone and respond. When she flakes on the date, you feel like sh*t and complain about it with your friends.
This has to stop.
Observe your reactions.
In my experience, the only way to stop being reactive and needy toward women is through facing and embracing the pain.
You must first detach yourself from the emotion and observe how you, yourself, react. That's right. Almost as though you're somebody else watching this other person get nervous or anxious. Ideally, I would like you to be extra aware during your interactions with women because that's when most guys feel the most nervous.
But if you don't interact with women as a result of your environment, elect to observe what I call "signs of needs" during your day.
Notice when you feel the need to post something on Facebook or Instagram in order to get likes so that you can feel good. Or notice whenever you feel the need to respond to a girl as soon as you get that text message or when you're anticipating a text from her. Simply observe yourself react.
Become aware when the reaction rises and descends. Catch it the moment it occurs. Also, listen as though you're listening to a radio station of the inner chatter that accompanies the emotional reaction.
This is what we call "presence." Rather than "being the reaction," you're the presence, the watcher who's aware of the reaction.
You're no longer reacting to the woman and needing her; you're the one who's at ease in the midst of the storm. You're the one who isn't phased by a woman rejecting you because if she rejects you, you move on because rejection doesn't affect you. It's there, but it doesn't consume your attention.
Be the cause, not the effect.
How would you feel if you walked around the streets looking for someone to give one million dollars to in exchange for a five-minute conversation with you? Would you feel anxious or nervous when approaching a stranger?
Usually, most people feel pretty calm and relaxed when they have something of value to offer another person. In addition, if you have a conversation with someone and there is an awkward silence, most of the time, you wouldn't be the one feeling nervous because you're the one with something of value to offer.
In this hypothetical, you have the million dollars.
Remember, the source of living in reaction is the need for constant stimulation. Constantly seeking positive reaction to enhance our self-image, our self-esteem. As a result, when you're meeting women from a place of need or creativity, you're coming in with an empty cup. You're saying, "Hey, I need you to fill my cup! Provide value so I can feel good".
Instead of doing that, fill your cup, yourself, and become your own source of positive emotions. Find things you're passionate about and do things for yourself that fill your cup.
Don't put your eggs all in one basket so that when the right woman meets you, you'll actually have a life for her to be a part of. You'll have other sources of happiness. She'll sense your independence and your lack of need. Fill your own cup, and you'll be so overflowing in positivity that the only thing you'll have left is to give.
I recommend to meditate at least 15 minutes a day, preferably twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. Learn to observe yourself as if you're a cat focusing on a mouse hole, waiting for the mouse to come out, whenever the emotion of neediness arises and descends. This will help you stay calm, cool and nonreactive.
The difference in your behavior and other people's reactions to you will be subtle but noticeable in how you'll feel and, secondly, in how women will begin to be drawn to you.