Yesterday was Halloween, so naturally, all of my friends finally got together.
We haven't seen each other in a while, so we were catching up — talking about our recent trips to Europe, shit-talking our school's sororities and, most importantly, sharing our dating updates.
I used to be the one with all the juicy stories, but after I realized I'm looking for my ~soulmate~, I've had nothing to contribute to these conversations.
However, I just got back into the dating game, with the restriction of only dating guys in whom I see potential (not just because they're hot and funny), and I was kind of excited to share the details about this new little Tinder slice I had just started talking to.
Of course, I had to put a face to the name and show my friends his Instagram.
"Do you want to see his ex?" I asked.
"Oh my god, you liked her photo!" my friend Helen shouted.
If you've ever been in this position, then you've probably had these seven thoughts:
1. "HOLY. FUCK."
I looked at the red heart at the bottom of the photo and immediately double-tapped until it was grey again.
My heart rate was exactly 834,997,473 beats per minute. I was absolutely having a heart attack.
2. "Should I deactivate my Instagram?"
I was seriously contemplating deactivating my Instagram. I thought there was no way she didn't know who I was and that I was talking to her ex... even though her ex and I didn't even follow each other.
LOVE MAKES YOU CRAZY, Y'ALL.
I settled on changing my username, instead, so if she saw the notification on her phone and decided to look me up, I wouldn't be there anymore.
3. "I need to make my account private."
I wanted to hide all evidence that suggested I may or may not know her ex.
Even though he and I didn't follow each other, we did that thing where we deep-liked some of each other's pictures.
Because I liked her photo, what if she went all the way back to each photo and looked to see if he liked it? I mean, it sounds like something I would do, so it seems plausible.
But if I was private, she couldn't see that he'd liked them, right?
(I swear, I'm not crazy. Someone date me.)
4. "He DEFINITELY knows, and he DEFINITELY thinks I'm crazy."
Five seconds after I made my profile private, he requested to follow me. I'm not even joking.
So she had to have seen it, screenshotted it, and sent it to him, asking who the fuck I was.
"Why did you reject my request to follow you?" he texted immediately after.
5. "Play it cool, bitch."
I accepted his request after getting his text and replied, "What are you talking about? I just accepted it right now."
"Oh, I thought I was already following you," he texted back.
My friends told me he was probably checking up on my Instagram, like I was his, but obviously, that was too logical an idea for me to believe.
6. "I don't even care if he knows."
With some help of my friends, I calmed down a little bit.
"Do you like him?" my friend Annie asked.
"I don't even know him," I said, still out of breath following my dramatic username change and un-liking of said photo.
"So then... why do you care?"
"I don't, but what if she tells him and he thinks I'm crazy?!"
"Then she's the one who will look crazy, not you."
Annie is clearly my rock and voice of reason. Get yourself an Annie if you don't have one already.
7. "I really am just a crazy bitch."
After dinner, we decided to barhop around town to finally celebrate Halloween, since none of us had done anything over the weekend.
We stopped to take pictures, and I immediately posted mine.
Then after drinking and feeling both nauseated and tired, we took a break and sat on some steps in front of Webster Hall.
"I liked your photo,"Annie said, while looking at her screen. "And I un-liked it, just like you did."
I laughed, and it didn't register for a while, but I noticed I never got the notification.
So... I guess I changed my Instagram username for nothing?