So here's the thing: I don't think I've ever been on an official date with another guy before.
I say this because he and I never agreed it was a date to begin with.
Also, there was no "Sixteen Candles"-inspired ending with dimmed lights, cake, intimacy and more cake.
That is, unless you can count a Skylar Grey concert and a semi-romantic drive to Arby's (he paid for my fries!) as a date.
Either way, that night played out like a scene out of "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist." In which case, my first date was better than yours.
Seriously, though, if you've been freaking out ever since you accepted that Grindr date with "N8-inches" (#jealousofyou), I totally understand.
It's a big deal, and you probably have a ton of questions racing through your mind right now.
From the obvious, "Will he like me?" or "What if he stands me up?" to the more important and practical ones like, "Underwear or nah?" and "Who's paying?"
Point is, no matter how many hits you've gotten on Manhunt or Jack'd, first dates are intimidating for both guys involved.
To prove it, here are 25 thoughts you'll have racing through your mind going into your own:
1. "I can't believe this is (finally) happening!"
Well, believe it because it's totally happening. And, it's happening in like half an hour, so get some pants on.
2. "Should I call an Uber or something?"
Better question: Will your Uber arrive in time to save you from this sexy potential psychopath?
3. “So glad I didn't give him my real address."
So glad we think alike.
4. "What if he doesn't match his profile picture?"
Considering he invited you out for drinks and not someplace shady-looking, I’m guessing his face matches his profile.
It's a reasonable concern, but if he’s willing to meet you in public, chances are he is the same 6’3", Italian, "Orphan Black"-loving nerd you conversed with online (in which case, I hate you even more).
5. "He looks like a top, right? RIGHT?!"
He better be, damnit! Like, why the hell would he name himself "N8-inches" if he didn't put that thing to use. That’s an abomination!
6. "OMG, but what if he's a bottom?!"
Are you kidding me??? No. Stop it right now! Nate is a total T-O-P, okay?!
7. "What if he's straight?!!!"
Just keep the nightmares coming, why don't you?
8. “I wonder if he'll be DTF.”
**crosses fingers so hard**
9. "Okay. I think I'm ready now."
You is kind; you is smart; you is important! In other words, you were born ready.
And, remember, when in doubt, channel your inner Mindy Lahiri and order another drink. Now go get ‘em!
10. "It's really him! And Nate doesn't look like a complete psycho, either!"
Let's not rule that last part out just yet, but YAY!
11. "So he isn't straight!"
We dodged that bullet together, my friend.
12. “There’s nothing in my teeth right?”
No! Just go over there already!
13. “He’s reaching in for a hug right now!”
Sneak in a butt grab for me -- for all of us!
14. “How does he smell sooo good!"
Check! Check! OMG, check!!!
15. “I think that's his dick I’m feeling against my knee right now.”
Are you f*cking serious?! Trade places with me right this instant!
16. “Wait … I'm not ready for you to let go of me yet!!!”
Is it my turn?!
17. **Smiling through the inferno happening in my throat right now**
Probably should've told him you hated alcohol.
18. “I'm glad he finds it cute that I'm dying over here.”
Let him resuscitate you!
19. "He's been talking about himself for like five minutes straight, but I'm loving every minute of it."
Umm ... narcissist much?
20. "He just said something in Italian and I cannot contain my boner!"
Don't fight the — on second thought, fight it!
21. “All I want to do is run my fingers through his hair and call him daddy -- is that presumptuous?"
No, but if that’s all you want to do with him, I’m disappointed.
22. "I should probably tell him this is my first date."
You should probably not.
23. "At least he paid for my half-drunken drink!"
But, how will you make it up to him?
24. "He says I have a nice butt!"
You do! Which is totally why Nate and your butt should get to know each other a lot better ... tonight!
25. “He actually wants to go out on a second date with me!!"
Yay! You totally nailed your first gay date!
I'm so happy for you, Nate and your butt, that a part of me wishes it were my own reality instead of the singular, cat-filled one I'm living right now! It's okay, though.
That's why God invented Sia and red wine, and OMG, please don't let Christian Zamora see me like this because really, I just want my first date to be with him.