Ah, Hollywood. Thank you for always being there to guide me through my formative years, feeding me unrealistic standards and lies about the blessing of being a female in a male-driven world.
Thank you for giving me amazing role models in movie and television shows whose sole purpose is to get a kiss from a hot guy at the end of the movie or to prove she can FINALLY be one of the guys.
Thank you for teaching me that if I show a little skin, have a little spunk and learn a few key sex moves, I can probably reach any goal I want (as long as it's landing prince charming despite my adork-able flaws, like enjoying reading or writing).
Unfortunately for me, I'm only a real life human and not a glowing Hollywood actress with the face of a baby and the body of a jungle cat. I'm sorry I let you down and you couldn't make me sexy.
Here are 13 lessons you tried to teach me that never, ever worked.
Taking off my glasses
Why it's not sexy: Your face is your face with or without your glasses. Also, glasses aren't ugly.
Shaking my hair out
Why it's not sexy: Not everyone has the hair quality of Princess Jasmine or the face shape of a tiny elf baby. Some of us just have frizzy, limp or SHORT hair, and our ponytail holders leave creases, OK?!
Working at a car wash
Why it's not sexy: Actual car washes are less tiny bikinis and cleavage and more burning your bare legs on exhaust pipes and picking flies off your social studies teacher's bumper.
Why it's not sexy: Chaffing. Chaffing. Chaffing.
Why it's not sexy: BECAUSE CANCER.
Eating anything phallic
Why it's not sexy: Actually... this probably is sexy only to people who have male genitalia.
Rising out of a pool slowly blowing water out of my mouth
Why it's not sexy: Waterproof mascara is a lie, and you can only do this so many times before you miscalculate and end up sucking chlorine into your lungs.
Walking down stairs — any stairs
Why it's not sexy: They make you THINK it's about the stairs, but really, it's about the fake Hollywood beauty transformation that went on behind the scenes and the camera panning slowly up an actual model's legs.
Doing choreographed dances with your matching friends
Why it's not sexy: Not all of us can have rhythm OK?!?!
Having a traditionally male hobby
Why it's not sexy: Fortunately, we're in a day and age where gender is much more fluid, and we aren't confined to norms, so this tip is kind of a moot point. But also, I've worn a helmet, and helmet head is real and not very sexy.
Dancing in my underwear
Why it's not sexy: This may make you feel sexy for yourself, but super rarely have I been in the situation where it's like, "Oh, hello, stranger I'm attracted to! Weird you're in my bedroom while I happen to not be wearing any pants. Anyway, when was the last time you listened to Mariah Carey's Rainbow album?"
Being a little bit nerdy and a little bit freaky
Why it's not sexy: I actually do aspire to be a lady in the street but a freak in the bed, RIGHT LUDA?!
Why it's not sexy: Being angsty is EXHAUSTING and tires me out. And believe me, when I'm tired, I'm at home. In my pajamas. Eating pizza. Not being a sex animal, but almost definitely looking at baby animals on the internet.
Plus, everyone agrees happy people are more fun to be around.