51 Things I Wish I Could Tell My 18-Year-Old, Insecure Self About Sex

The trials and tribulations of being a TEEN girl are immense, especially when it comes to the wild and wonderful (but also messy and traumatic) world of SEX.

When you’re a teenager and first emerging into the universe as a sexual creature, it’s both breathlessly exciting and astoundingly terrifying.

Your hormones are running as wild as a fierce feline soaring across the desert.

Sex is shiny and new and uncomfortable and unfamiliar when you’re in that strange space in between the pitfalls of adolescence and the wisdom of adulthood.

My obsession with sexuality surfaced around the tender age of 14. By the time I entered my freshman year of high school, the only topic I ever cared to discuss was SEX.

Sex was all I could ever think about. I would sit at my desk freshman year of high school, gaze off into the distance and find myself in a galaxy far away from the dismal blackboard.

I would find myself lost in a fervent sexual daydream, consumed with endless wonder about what this mysterious act felt like. Looked like. Tasted like. I was consumed with SEX.

Curious, I was; educated, I was NOT.

Sex education in school was nothing short of a pathetic joke, consisting of a red-faced gym teacher vehemently lecturing us NOT to have SEX, or we would DIE.

Clearly our beloved phys ed teacher hadn’t had sex in a very long time (this was when I first discovered my gift for pointing out a person in a dry spell).

Everything I learned about sex was through trial and error; no one had ever had an honest conversation with me about the whole ordeal. My fellow teen compatriots were in the same boat, and we navigated the dangerous waters of sexuality with no life vest keeping us afloat.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned is wild, unabashed curiosity mixed with zero education is the most dangerous combination in the whole wide world.

Knowledge is power, and I can’t help but think if only someone had told little ol’ puzzled, hormonal ME the following 51 things about SEX -- I would have been SO much better off (and saved a lot of money in therapy):

1. It doesn’t matter what you wear, how much alcohol you so fiercely consume, how overtly sexual you act or how boldly you flirt -- YES means YES, and NO means NO.

2. Just because someone is nice to you, takes you out to cool places or buys you expensive things, doesn’t mean you’re under any obligation to have sex.

3. On that note, sex should never be rooted out of “obligation”; it should always stem from desire.

4. It looks absolutely nothing like it does in the porn you watch online at 2 am.

5. Girls don’t really make those kinds of squealing sounds.

6. Just because something kinky or salacious you saw in porn turned you on -- doesn’t mean you will be comfortable or enjoy doing it in real life.

7. Sex isn’t pretty. You’re often contorted into awkward, unflattering positions -- but that's totally fine. It’s part of the charm!

8. In fact, sex can be surprisingly FUN. Don’t bother trying to act too cool or too serious about it.

9. Whiskey dick is HIS problem, not YOUR problem.

10. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t make your partner orgasm; it doesn’t mean he or she is not madly turned on. There are a million reasons someone can't orgasm that have nothing to do with you.

11. Sometimes sex is just sex.

12. Just because you sleep with someone on the first date doesn’t deem you a slut.

13. In fact, there is no such thing as a slut, and please eradicate that word from your vocabulary until you’re ready to reclaim it in an empowering way.

14. Sexuality is fluid; don’t get caught up in labels. Like whom you like; screw what anyone else thinks.

15. Oral sex can feel more intimate than sex, sex.

16. You CAN get STDs from oral sex; it’s not a surefire way to stay safe.

17. There is never, ever an excuse NOT to use a condom.

18. Get on the f*cking pill. Gaining five pounds is far better than getting PREGNANT.

19. Hey, guess what!? Sex is for your own pleasure as much as it is for your partner's!

20. Don’t feel like you need to "perform" whilst having sex. You're sexy and interesting enough without having to turn into an over-sensationalized porno actress.

21. Having your head pushed down is rude, not flattering. Don’t tolerate it.

22. Use places like Planned Parenthood as your educational sex resource, not the girl talk in the gym locker room.

23.  GET TESTED.

24. There is nothing in the world dirty about sex. Be wary of those who feel the need to shower right after.

25. It’s OK to not really enjoy it the first time. It is awkward and new and strange. It takes time to figure it all out.

26. You may learn things about yourself when you start having sex that will surprise and concern you. Our sexuality reveals a lot about us -- it brings us in touch with sides of ourselves we didn't know existed.

27. Someone at some point will walk in on you having sex; it will be momentarily traumatic, but I promise you will get over it.

28. No one is looking at your body and thinking it’s gross. The body parts you’re constantly critiquing and loathing are precisely what's turning your partner ON.

29. You might feel surprisingly vulnerable after sex, and that’s OK. Don’t feel like you have to be the tough, removed chick.

30. Drink with extreme caution, 99.9 percent of your sexual regrets will occur inebriated.

31. Learn how to get yourself off. It's healthy, empowering and will lead to better sex.

32. Never feel ashamed about whom you find attractive.

33. Try really hard not to feel any shame around anything regarding sex -- for there is truly nothing to be ashamed of.

34. Even if someone is hot, popular and nice -- it doesn’t mean you’re sexually attracted to him or her.

35. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do (oral, bondage, threesomes) because you’re trying to make someone like you.

36. BEWARE of selfish lovers. Sex is give and take, and if your partner can't comprehend that fundamental principle, it’s a huge red flag speaking to his or her ethical character.

37. Always keep in mind: When your girlfriends tell you about their sex life, they’re almost always embellishing. Don’t compare notes because the notes are probably fake.

38. Don’t expect a teenage boy to know how to give you an orgasm. Educate him; his body parts are vastly different than ours, and more than likely, everything he’s learned about pleasing a woman is from porn and other idiot teen boys.

39. Don't make a habit out of faking orgasms.

40. If you sleep with someone and he or she tells people at school intimate details about your body, that person is SCUM and to be blacklisted from your life.

41. You’re not going to marry the first person you have sex with (and thank goddess for that).

42. If you have a one-night stand, don’t beat yourself up about it the next day. Things happen, and you’re in no way “damaged” goods.

43. Don’t turn every single sex experience into the senior frickin' prom. You don’t have to be perfectly groomed, shaved and slathered in pricey lotions and potions in order to have sex.

44. Sex comes with some pretty interesting, strong smells -- don't freak out.

45. It’s not supposed to hurt. If it hurts, something is wrong.

46. Don’t have sex to get someone to like you.

47. Don’t avoid having sex to get someone to like you.

48. Don't confuse lust and love; they're not the same.

49. If a friend ever tells you he or she was raped, never, ever question him or her.

50. You must not be afraid to communicate what feels good and what doesn't feel good to your partner.

51. Sex isn't only for skinny girls with big boobs.