I’m a simple man. Maybe my hormone levels are unusually low, but given an attractive woman among male friends, I’ve never been compelled to say, “I’d f*ck her.”
First of all, I wouldn’t be able to get through that line with a straight face. It’s like elbowing your male friends to remind them you have a dick. It has become a parody, which is why I usually laugh when I hear it.
But, hey, that’s just me. Second of all, “I’d f*ck her” excludes a key variable in the potentiality of sex: her. It’s purporting the assumption that women exist for men, whether or not women are present when it’s uttered. And, yeah, it’s kind of rape-y.
Additionally, it’s worth noting that although men may think this kind of talk is harmless, how they choose to speak about women directly affects how women perceive them.
So, where does all of this come from? It can simply be attributed to a desire to connect.
Imagine you’re hanging with the bros, watching TV and, suddenly, a Jennifer Aniston commercial for something comes on and you feel an obligation to mention that, given the opportunity, you’d like to have sexual relations with her. Who wouldn’t? She hasn’t aged a day since 1999.
Unfortunately, we don’t live in a world where that opportunity is likely. It’s a cruel bait and switch; I know because modern advertising would certainly like you to believe that sex can be packaged, bought and sold – but that’s a whole other article.
The point is, most men probably aren’t using this phrase to be malicious, but that doesn’t make it okay.
Another possibility is that it’s part of the alpha-male assertion of dominance; namely, guys subconsciously feel threatened by other men and assert their dominance sexually.
However, striking new research shows that both men and women will use the alpha tactic among their own genders to elevate themselves.
And so, the opposite can just as easily be enacted, with women objectifying men by use of some other phraseology; although, this is both something about which I’m unqualified to speak and besides the point.
The point is that the root of what’s being crassly said does more bad than good. It’s a reductive, empty expression of what it means to be a man.
For those interested in promoting a healthier, fairer vernacular, I’d like to suggest replacing “I’d f*ck her,” with a few other phrases that are a bit more thoughtful and a bit less disrespectful:
Is it a cliché? Of course. But, the word you choose is sort of irrelevant. This could just as easily be, “She’s sexy,” or whatever else. Grab a thesaurus. The point is, it’s cool to point out someone’s appearance.
There’s no getting around it; sight is one of the senses through which we perceive the world. But, work to express that you’re attracted to someone in less violent terms than “I’d f*ck her.”
Who is she?
This is sort of an inquisitive approach. Something struck you about her and you’re curious. What’s her nationality? Where’d she grow up?
If this is someone you know personally, channeling whatever urge you might have had to say “I’d f*ck her” into learning more about her might bring you closer.
If you’re someone who thinks, “Women aren’t funny,” you’re probably not that funny, either. Comedians are some of the most readily scrutinized people in the public eye, which makes female comedians that much more scrutinized.
But, the idea of women being funny isn’t the point of this one.
This observation swaps out “I’d f*ck her” for any and all adjectives that have nothing to do with appearance at all: funny, smart, graceful, goofy, fun, loud.
Training yourself not only to notice these qualities but to also be attracted to these qualities makes your contribution to the conversation that much more considerable.
I want to hang out with her.
I’ve heard the whole “I’d f*ck her” thing used in many thoughtless ways, but one of the worst is when it has nothing to do with what’s being talked about. It’s thrown into conversations that would otherwise never have been diverted to talking about sex.
Guess what, humanity at large? Not everything needs to be about sex. Your interest in someone can just be that you’d like to hang out.
Awareness of our tendencies toward the superficial has largely improved, especially with the innovation of social media. If nothing else, our generation will certainly be remembered for connecting in important new ways and publically giving voices to people who didn't always have them.
However, the way we think and act in our private lives is vital to ensuring that social change takes root. If it seems harmless to grab your crotch and grunt, “Yeah, man, I’d totally f*ck her,” to your male friends, that’s because the negative effects aren’t immediately apparent.
In reality, that kind of speech disrespects men just as much as it disrespects women. It limits what we’re allowed to feel, as men.
It’s ironic, then, that men who are on the more sensitive side are shelved as wimpy, unassertive and unmanly, when in actuality, the manliest thing you could do is treat a woman with respect, regardless of whether she’s there to receive it.