Simone Becchetti

25 Things A Girl Never, Ever Wants To Hear Her Boyfriend Say

We love our boy-toys, but sometimes (by virtue of being men), they say completely the wrong things.

Between mansplaining and Esquire and poker night with the bros, there’s a lot of misinformation out there as to what your girlfriend does(n’t) want to hear. Let’s be clear: There’s a never a time when we want pet names for our pussy. Good talk.

Some things, like the above, should rather be put in that special cabinet of “Things You Don’t Say To Your Girlfriend,” along with the “Ex-Files.”

Boyfriends everywhere, you guys are awesome, but you could be doing even better if you just didn’t share every single thought that runs through your head. Remember, hanging out with your girlfriend is not a poetry slam.

Here are 25 things you DON’T want to hear your boyfriend say:

1. Where are your friends?

Uh, we’re very well-aware that our friends haven’t arrived yet, and it’s already midly stressing us out. A better question is why are you so concerned about it? In these tense situations, the best thing to do is support us, not make us feel bad -- or worse, suspicious.

2. Did you just fart?

Please, for the love of G-d, pretend like all you heard was birds chirping. This is horrifying enough without calling direct attention to it.

3. I dreamt about Channing Tatum last night.

That’s really only okay when we say it. This is one of those things that gets filed under “Stuff You Don’t Share With Your Girlfriend,” right next to “chlamydia.”

4. Let’s go for a run together!

Yeah, and afterwards let’s jump into an ocean full of hammerhead sharks while voluntarily sawing each other’s big toes off. That’s what love is all about, right? Doing stuff together?

5. Is that supposed to happen?

Use your imagination here. Or don’t. Both raise equal cause for concern and are guaranteed to freak us out.

6. My ex wants to meet for coffee.

Normally we’re not one for generalizations, but we’re going to make an exception: any sentence that begins with “My ex…” and doesn’t end with “was the worst person on the planet and I hope to never see her again” should be refrained from admitting aloud to us. In fact, we’d prefer if you never thought of her, ever.

7. Another pair of shoes? Do you really need those?

Shoes are sacred and are not meant to be understood by the male species. It’s like how we respect your right to football -- you cannot question that which you do not appreciate. You have your balls, we have our feet.

8. Ray Rice seems like a really cool guy.

And Chris Brown would make a good wingman? We sincerely hope that’s a failed attempt at joking.

9. Babe, I think it’s time we adopt a macrobiotic diet.

Sure, does that mean I can eat cookies only in the closet then?

We’re all for improving our lifestyles and motivating each other to healthier, as long as it includes some flexibility in our diets. Let’s first start with baby steps, like ordering vodka on the rocks.

10. Thanks for the birthday gift, but I really can’t accept this.

That’s not how rejecting a gift goes! You’re supposed to just take it and pretend to use it and then put it someplace you’ll immediately forget about that will eventually go missing. Gosh.

11. Let’s watch “Indiana Jones” tonight!

Okay, great! Right after we watch “27 Dresses” and eat so much popcorn that we pass out from giving birth to food babies. You have the best ideas, boo.

12. Which girl?

If he asks which girl we're referring to (especially when we’re on his cell phone), it's never a good thing. Red flags all around.

13. Will you move to Norway with me?

Do they ship the Blueprint cleanse there? Can I get almond milk?

14. Relax, calm down.

Men, you should know by now that saying “relax” when we’re emotional and heated has the opposite effect. It diminishes our feelings and makes us feel stupid. Just don’t go there.

15. You would look great in the outfit that girl is wearing.

We know this is code for “that girl is hot.” Stop checking her out in front of us. We’re totally onto you.

16. I’m running late again, sorry.

We’ll just stand here scrolling through Instagram for the 100th time, pretending like we haven’t seen (or heard) this before. But we aren’t happy about it.

17. My mom wants to have one-on-one brunch with you.

Does that mean we should or should not drink during the meal? And do we get to call-in any lifelines? The only thing worse than exclusive quality time with your mother is the birthday gift she advised you on.

18. Oops! Wrong hole!

UH!?!?! Then which is it?!?!?!

19. Will you look at this thing on my back?

We will, but we’d rather not. Cue the skeevies.

20. How many chips is that?

Way too many for you to keep track. But thank you for trying, really.

21. We should take a floral arrangement class.

This happened. It was weird. And we still feel a little bit strange writing about it now.

22. It’s not real.

In reference to: the diamond, your boner, our love, our personal work struggles. That one never goes over well. The struggle is, in fact, very real, guys.

23. She’s a great girl. You should give her a chance.

Yeah? Should we also give covering ourselves in gasoline and lighting a match a chance, too? Because we’d rather do that than befriend a girl who wears overalls sans-underneath-clothes when she comes to visit you.

24. You look fine.

Equally as bad: you look the same. Just make some more descriptive adjective up, please, and then we’ll never ask you how we look again… Until tomorrow. Isn’t having a girlfriend so much fun!?

25. I can’t feel anything with this condom on.

We can’t hear anything that you’re saying with these earplugs in, either! Wrap it, or don’t tap it.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It