There is only one reason to have a f*ck buddy — male or female: You are in "f*ck it" life mindset and either recently ended a relationship and/or have a carefree, possibly curious, state of mind.
As much as we try to convince ourselves there are much more profound reasons to use someone just for sex, there often aren’t any, and that is perfectly okay.
Sounds easy and thrilling enough, right? Here’s the catch: There’s a three-month limit on f*ck buddies in order to get out emotionally unscathed (it’s a tried and tested theory).
There are rules, personal anecdotes and escape routes, which I will share with you:
For the longest time, I didn’t believe in having someone on the side for casual sex and occasional ego stroking.
I thought it was shallow and callous. That is, until I moved to Portland, Oregon, determined to make the most of my six-month stint as an intern.
I decided to call it My Portland Adventure (I don’t get any points for original titles), and there was one key element as to why this Oregonian adventure oozed sexiness: Dayton.
I met Dayton during my first weekend in Portland at a fusion restaurant that prided itself on the ability to hang the most motorcycles from its ceiling.
As I sauntered to the jukebox in my vegan leather pants and scrolled through the music selections, a lanky fellow leaned in next to me and asked if I would play him a song.
I was preparing to give him a standard and obviously uninterested two-word response until I glanced up at him. He was very tall with undeniably sexy post-work scruff, and his hair was just long enough to pull back into a loose bun.
He introduced himself while leaning casually against the jukebox, blocking my exit and explaining how much he enjoys showing newcomers around the greatest city on earth (a hobby loaded with ulterior motives, I assumed).
I was hooked from that initial interaction, to the point that he could’ve shown me a local squatting toilet and I would have found it fascinating.
So began my Portland experience of steamy sex-ed lessons that I never properly received in high school... or in college... or in my early 20s.
We both knew we were going to have sex, it was bound to happen. That first night we met, all I could think about was what his hands could do to me while he casually twirled a cigarette in between his fingers.
After hanging out a few times, we started hooking up regularly, but without the emotional overhead to fog our lust. This open communication and sexual experimentation led to us having some of the best sex of our lives.
Up until sleeping with Dayton, I had only experienced emotionally charged, love-filled, meaningful sex with my ex and terrible sex with random strangers after our breakup, which left me feeling empty.
It was then that I started asking myself, "What’s so great about sex anyway?"
But, amazing sex allows you to lose all sense of the outside world. That is, if you find someone to match your sexual passion; someone who can guide you out of your comfort zone while worshipping every soft curve of your body while keeping emotion out of the mix.
The key to my successful adventures with Dayton was checking myself emotionally each time he walked into my apartment.
I knew from the start I didn’t want anything with him beyond a lust-filled friendship, which is why I felt freedom and empowerment to go beyond what was common to me.
Dayton possessed the qualities necessary to make the most out of a f*ck buddy "relationship." Keep an eye out for these traits if you're looking to do the same:
- He made me feel safe, so I wanted to experiment.
- He wasn’t solely focused on what made him feel good, and instead got turned on by blowing my mind whenever possible.
- He enjoyed pushing our sexual limits because we were so compatible in bed and we openly communicated.
- He never hesitated in any scandalous situation and always took full advantage of our time together.
Now, some tips on how to navigate being a f*ck buddy and how to end it amicably (and possibly open-ended for any future late-night rendezvous):
Make it all about sex and only sex
No going out to dinner or the movies or asking him to escort you to an awkward family function — this is only sex.
He can meet you at a bar when you’re with your friends on a Friday night, but only near the end of your outing, so he can make sure you get home "safely."
Though you aren’t committed in any way, there still must be a basic level of respect between you two, so neither of you feel like a prostitute sans payment the next day.
This is not a booty call. While the line is thin, the major difference is the word "buddy," meaning you want to try and remain cordial at the end of it all. Thus, respect.
Keep the conversations surface level
The most magical part of having a f*ck buddy is that you don’t need to check-in with him or her.
You aren’t responsible for cheering him up when he has a bad day and you aren’t his emotional support system.
You take on a f*ck buddy to escape from any emotional entanglements. Sex becomes too personal if there are intimate conversations attached.
So, cut out the "woe is me, my boss yelled at me and I am having family issues" crap and get down to what really matters: Flipping through a Kama Sutra pamphlet for a new sex position.
Having a f*ck buddy means throwing your standard five moves to the wayside and pulling back the sheets for some extracurricular activities that will (hopefully) lead to chills and screams.
Some suggestions: finally bring all those fantasies to life (armed robbery? Dominatrix?
Blindfolds and toys?), try ice cubes (cool down the heat radiating from your body and slow it down, you won’t regret it) or rendezvous at new places to keep things spontaneous and exciting.
Keep it irregular
Control yourself. Meeting up more than once or twice a week is a surefire way to end things before you even get a chance to experiment.
Go with it
This is the time to stop overthinking.
Allow yourself to feel the joy of being physically pleasured without the weight of emotional attachment. Have fun — remember what that feels like?
When you feel yourself becoming bored or developing feelings, cut him or her loose
This is age-old wisdom, need I elaborate?
Remember you’re still single
So, don’t close any doors. Just because you are getting laid regularly doesn’t mean you should stop evaluating your other options.
Again, you aren’t a couple and emotional needs still need to be met eventually, like when the fun stops with your f*ck buddy and you realize you want something more.
Don’t play games
This always leads to fighting, which ultimately leads to things ending badly. You two aren’t together, so there should be no mind f*cks. If that starts happening, it’s time to walk away.
Three months only
That’s about the time it takes to develop feelings of liking or loathing.
Irritating habits start making you snap at him for no reason or you start finding his charm irresistible in ways that make you want him for more than just sex.
At the three-month mark, it’s time to evaluate where you are and whether or not it’s time to end things or take them to the next level.