All The Terrible Kinds Of Sex You Have In Your 20s
If nothing else, your twenties help you to figure out your place in this big ass world and form who you are as a person.
Many of the valuable lessons you learn during this decade of discovery come from experience. You can’t just be told something is a bad idea, you have go out there, blow your life up and figure it out yourself.
It’s called maturing. LOL.
This tentative period can be categorized into three buckets: Alcohol-induced bad decisions, bad first jobs and bad sex.
It’s a fun time for sure! But it's also rough AF.
Ugh. All the bad, sloppy, shameful sex. All those f*ckboys you slept with after one too many tequila shots at the dive bar while your friends egged you on.
You do a lot of dumb stuff in your twenties, but there is a silver lining: We're all together on the same strange boat, sailing the seas of hopeless idiocy into the comfortable waters of adulthood.
So, let's raise a glass to our twenties, and take a trip down memory lane to all the terrible sex we had (and are still having), shall we?
When you're not gonna get off
It's not that either one of you is necessarily doing anything wrong. (Though I bet you are because you are twenty, and therefore stupid.) It's just not going to happen. It's awkward because you both want to please the other person, so no one ends up enjoying himself or herself. You're just going through the motions. Painful.
"I'm too lazy to go home" sex
UGH. Laziness always prevails over smart decisions. It's late. You're with some guy you don't know well. You've been doing other ~sexy~ stuff all night, so you're just like, "Eh, whatever. I'll have sex with you." You sit and weigh the options: Get dressed and haul your ass home, or just sleep with this dude.
It's never very pleasurable, and you immediately regret it afterwards.
We've all boned someone to feel better about ourselves, to prove something (to both the other person and ourselves), to show someone we're worthy. It's the ultimate form of acting out when you feel like you need to, well, validate yourself. You just want to feel loved. Is that so wrong?
Something you will realize in your twenties is that you're not under any obligation to have sex with someone. Ever. Like, ever ever.
But, as it goes, you'll probably have sex with a number of people whom you think you owe it to before you figure that out. Just because a guy is nice and holds the door for you doesn't mean you owe him a trip to Bone Town. But, hey, c'est la vie.
You know when you get down with a guy, and he is ALL about himself? When you and your orgasm don’t even register on his radar? Yeah, I feel you, girl.
The pity f*ck
Oh, the pity f*ck. There will come in a time in every twenty-something's life when he or she has a friend who desperately needs to feel appreciated or is just hopelessly in the friend-zone. So, you throw that friend a bone (both literally and figuratively).
Sex with your ex
I think the golden rule is something like 'everyone just keeps sleeping with her ex until she finds someone new.' Maybe? I could have just made that up. We've all had sex with our ex. We all do it. It's a natural backslide. There’s comfort in the familiar, you know? It sucks and it's embarrassing, but it helps to know literally all of your friends have done the same thing.
Booty, booty, booty call
With each passing year, our little black book grows thicker. By little black book, I mean your phone's contact list and its ever-increasing number of guys with names like, "Hot Jake from bar" and "Dennis from Starbucks." Securing a reliable booty call takes almost as much diligence as finding a boyfriend. The sex is usually mediocre, but he'll answer those drunk, "U up?" texts at 2 am and come running into your waiting arms.
Period sex when it was too heavy for that (or anything else really)
I'm sorry I ruined your 14-count jersey cotton twinset, Colin. I thought I was a liberated female.
The "is it in yet" sex
Small peen sex is what I’m talking about, y’all. Apparently the average shlong is 5.5 inches. LOL. Kill me, right?
Inappropriate location gone awry
It's basically everyone's fantasy to have sex in public. (Or maybe just mine? IDK.) Yet most of the time the execution is not on point. Instead of steamy coat check sex at the Ritz, it ends up being a weird hump session in a slimy public bathroom. It's all so much better in the movies.
The guy who talks a big game and then sucks.
"Oh, yeah. I love giving head to women. It's like my favorite thing. I could do it for hours. I'm all about your pleasure. That's my thing." I distinctly remember the guy's words. But when the time came, he went down on me for about 37 seconds before going in for the kill. I was about as dry as the Sahara Desert. It was possibly the worst sex of my life to date.
When he's too big.
There is too small, and there is TOO BIG. You know what I mean, right? You see it and are utterly terrified, but then you think, "I'm a strong, independent woman, and I can handle this." Unfortunately, size really can be a make-or-break difference when it comes to sex…emphasis on break.
This might be the worst sex of all. It's the cream of the crop when it comes to barf sex. It's when a guy humps you like he's battery-powered. It's like homeboy is using your vagina as his hand, essentially masturbating with your body. It will undoubtedly leave you with a limp and a host of regrets.
Not everyone feels comfortable talking about sex. There are some questions that many of us are too timid to ask. But in Comedy Central's new show, Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, no sex or relationship topic is off limits! Catch new episodes Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central or anytime on the CC APP.
Check out a clip of Not Safe with Nikki Glaser here: