Break The Pattern Of Making Unworthy Men A Priority In Your Life

by Sky Andersen

I have a secret: I am an addict.

I'm not hooked on drugs or alcohol, but I am drawn to something I believe is just as dangerous: I’m addicted to giving unworthy men priority roles in my life.

They’re bad at communicating? Oh yeah, I’m on the fast track to loving them.

They rarely publicly show they’re interested in me? I’m swooning.

They ignore me for hours? My heart just skipped a beat.

They aren’t ready to commit? Let’s definitely sleep together repeatedly.

They're emotionally broken? I want you to meet my parents.

I’m not addicted to your typical run-of-the-mill assh*le, though. (Those guys are just unbearable from the very beginning and are obviously not worth the time.)

I’m more into mind games. I'm into the guys you give your all to because you think you have a chance with them.

After you've already fallen for them, you realize you don't have a chance in hell of ever having a healthy relationship with them. But, it's too late.

You're invested, and you better buckle up. You're in for a rough ride that won't be coming to an end anytime soon.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

Everyone has heard this Mark Twain quote. You’ve heard this quote; learn from this quote.

Usually, your friends tell you this quote as they watch you get upset over the same guy who’s done the same thing he’s done before. It's the same thing he’ll continue to do as long as you allow it.

You nod as they tell you because you understand what they’re saying. You’re just choosing to ignore it.

Of course you shouldn’t make someone your priority if you don't hold the same significance his life. You know that.

And he's right. You aren’t his priority, and you know that, too. You wouldn’t constantly feel this way if you were.

But then you talk to him. He makes you laugh, and he’s charming. He has an excuse for his questionable behavior and suddenly you seem like a priority in his life.

Other people aren’t there all of the time to understand how much he values you.

His behavior may make him seem a bit like an assh*le to outsiders, but you know he’s just complicated.

He calls you when he’s stressed; he checks on you when he knows you have a busy week coming up.

You tell him about your day, you make each other laugh and you “get” each other.

His friends know who you are; they like and approve of you. These are obvious signs he cares and wants to be with you, right? No.

How about when you see him at a party, and he barely acknowledges you? Later on, he’ll say it was because he was busy catching up with people and hardly saw you all night long.

You were the one he couldn’t find. He won’t answer your texts or calls all day, but he'll post on social media. He blames his inability to see you on work, school and previous commitments.

He sleeps with you when it’s convenient for him and him only.

He shuts down when you try to talk about where you two are headed.

When he senses you’re almost at your breaking point, he’ll reel himself back in, have an outburst of emotion and tell you how much you mean to him.

He’ll tell you he wants to spend time together, just the two of you. Maybe it’ll actually happen.

It's a rarity that will mistakenly draw you away from that breaking point that could’ve actually provided you with freedom. Maybe it never happens. But it’ll happen next week, right? Right.

You wouldn’t have stayed around this long if you weren’t a priority for him.

You aren’t a weak girl, and you aren’t stupid. You know your worth, and you know he knows it, too.

Except, he doesn’t know your worth. And you aren’t a stupid or weak girl, but you’re acting like one.

So, wake the f*ck up. You’ve bypassed the stage of “talking,” along with the possibility of having a healthy relationship. You’ve now entered completely new territory.

You’re becoming an addict, too. You’re being strung along. He’ll give you a little here and there to keep you close, but he’ll never commit the way you want, need or deserve.

Maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize he’s doing it. He isn’t intentionally setting out to hurt you and doesn’t realize how much damage this “relationship” is doing to you.

It’s just inherently how he is when it comes to girls.

And that’s what’s so dangerous about the addiction. If he’s never outright an intentional assh*le, you can never fully explain why you’re constantly so unhappy with the way things are going.

You just know you are. But, you don’t want to walk away now because it’s not all bad. Maybe he’s just about to turn a corner, and things really will improve.

They won’t.

You’re romanticizing about a relationship that will never happen, and you shouldn’t justify waiting around for him to eventually change.

I woke up in the middle of the night last week, and the only thought on my mind was, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I do not think I deserve this love, so why have I been accepting it for so long?

It’s taken me 22 years to realize if somebody wants to be with me, he will be. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. It’s literally that simple.

There should be no mind games, no false hope and no “limbo stage” between dating and friends.

I’m not a stupid or weak girl, but I’ve been acting like it.

And so, I’m stopping. I choose to not be an addict anymore, cold turkey.

I choose self-respect over the comfort of sometimes having someone there. And you should, too.

Recognize your self-worth and realize nobody deserves to become someone’s relationship security blanket and be fed false hope.

You can no longer continue to allow yourself to be there for someone who is only there for you when it suits him.

Acknowledge you’ve allowed him to fill a large role in your life, and you hold little in his.

Getting attention from someone you care about is a huge confidence booster, but when you constantly feel so uneasy about where you stand with him, you aren’t being confident.

Be strong enough to break the pattern, walk away and realize you deserve more than that.

Refusing to settle until you’ve found the person who will make you a priority? Now that’s confidence.