You're Not A Slut: How To Stop Feeling Ashamed Of Your Sexuality

by Gigi Engle

Welcome to Ask Auntie Gigi, a weekly advice column where Elite Daily senior sex writer Gigi Engle answers your most burning sex questions.

Sexual health and wellness is extremely important in healthy relationships. But it's often a taboo topic. Auntie Gigi is on a mission to overcome the stigma and help you become the most informed, sexually knowledgeable person you can be.

We'll be exploring everything from anal and threesomes to sex toys and foreplay. No subject is too taboo. No subject is taboo PERIOD. This is a forum to explore your deepest desires and have your questions answered fully and with plenty of sass.

Information is the key to sexual satisfaction and Auntie Gigi is here to help!

Question from the reader:

Dear Auntie G,

I read your articles and I felt good because I am still not comfortable with my sexuality, but reading about a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality made me feel so much better.

I find myself to be a very sexual person and I don't like it. I feel like people get turned off by my sexuality and I wish I didn't have such a high sex drive. I also am looking for intimacy and I think that sometimes I use sex to feel that closeness. But I end up feeling emptier than before, like not just physically hollow, but emotionally and mentally. It is a terrible and debilitating feeling. I'm embarrassed about the number of people I've slept with.

So, my question is, how can I feel empowered by my sexuality instead of ashamed of it?

- Rae

Hi Rae,

Thank you for your openness and honesty. I really appreciate that. So many women need to know that they aren't alone in feeling this way.

This advice is not going to be filled with the jokes, irony and puns that one might usually expect from me. No, this subject is far too important and deserves to be treated with delicacy and care, much like your sweet and delicate heart deserves to be treated with care.

Rae, I can tell that you're a smart and strong woman. It breaks my heart that you feel like this about yourself. You should NEVER feel ashamed for being a sexual person. I want you to know that sexuality is a blessing, not a curse. I'm also acutely aware that this is easier said than done.

So, allow me to let you in on a little secret. Your Auntie G wasn't always so sexually empowered. No, these feelings of contentment and strength in my sexuality took years of cultivating. Like most young women, I was told from an early age that boys don't date “sluts” and that they don't settle down with “easy” women.

My mother was always very open with me about sexuality and desire. She taught me to feel comfortable in my own skin and to embrace my womanhood, but even she once told me that "No one buys the cow if the milk is free.”

We women are socially conditioned to fear our sexuality, to act as the gatekeepers of men's uncontrollable desire. We are the ones who must remain chaste to catch a husband.

And it is complete bullsh*t.

You say you've slept with a lot of guys. I say, so what? A number is just a number. I couldn't tell you how many people I've slept with if my goddamn life depended on it. The amount of people you have sex with has nothing to do with who you are as a person. It definitely doesn't make you a bad person.

You should not be scorned or punished for having a sex drive and for wanting to feel pleasure. That is a sick joke society wants to play on us.

So no, there's nothing wrong with having lots of sex in and of itself.

What I do want to address are the REASONS you're having sex. It's one thing to be a sexual person and to sleep with people because you like sex. It's another to use sex as a means to fill a void or to make yourself feel better or to make a guy like you. If you're using sex as a weapon or a substance, that's when it becomes dangerous and can damage your self-esteem.

There is no such thing as a slut. It's a disgusting term. Sex is a healthy act everyone should feel empowered to enjoy.

But please also remember that sex should be beautiful and hot and FUN. It should never make you feel bad about yourself. You're a vibrant, interesting, smart woman. Any man who dares to make you feel unworthy just doesn't deserve you.

One of the best lessons you can ever learn is that if you let someone take advantage of you, they will. So, don't use sex as a weapon, don't use sex as the basis of your identity and don't use sex to feel wanted by a man.

Use it only for yourself.

And please do it safely.  Condoms are NOT optional. I'm serious.

I hope this helps.

Yours in lust, XOXO Auntie Gigi

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