I'm not huge on the dating app scene. As a result, I'm not huge on Facebook stalking guys I go on dates with.
Why? Well, I'd rather go on a date with someone I more or less know so there's a smaller chance that he's a murderer or weird. But if I ever do go on a Tinder date or something, with a stranger, I'm absolutely going to do some Facebook stalking. I want to make certain the person I am about to go on a date with isn't some catfishing creep who also happens to be the freakiest human to have ever walked this planet.
Yes, my stalking is probably pretty creepy too, but it's just safety, you guys. I've always been a big believer in safety first. I'll also admit that one time, I used a couple of tricks to figure out what a guy's face looked like before our first date. (We had met in a super dark bar the night before, and things were a little fuzzy on my end.)
I've compiled four easy tips for you to successfully stalk anyone your little heart desires on Facebook. That's right, I said anyone.
Your mysterious co-worker you'd just love to know more about? Stalk away. The lady you have an interview with for the big job? Learn everything and anything the internet has to offer. Your Great Aunt Lucille? Not sure why you don't just shoot her a friend request, but go forth and stalk.
Step 1: Type in his or her phone number.
If you guys have reached the point of possibly going on a date, I'm going to go ahead and guess you have his or her phone number. Wahoo! That's money in the bank. All you have to do is copy and paste his or her phone number into your search bar, and boom: There's the profile you've been looking for.
Step 2: Type "recent photos of (his or her name)."
OK, so you found the person you were looking for. But now let's say his or her profile just isn't giving you as much as you want. One profile picture you can't even enlarge and a cover photo of a mountain? That's just not going to cut it now, is it?
So in this case, all you have to do is type in “recent photos of” before his or her name to find those money shots. Get ready to see this person throwing up some deuces in the air back in 2006.
Step 3: Type "pages liked by (his or her name)."
This is huge if you want to make sure your date is not a total freak. Like, imagine you're going on a date with someone you think might be the father of your future children. Then, you see he likes a “kinky cat butt murder porn” page on Facebook.
OK, pretty sure “kinky cat butt murder porn” is not a thing, but it sounds creepy, right? You don't want to be going on a date with someone who likes something “kinky cat butt porn” level creepy.
Stop that by using this trick.
Step 4: Type “photos (his or her name) has liked.”
OK, so maybe his friends hacked his account and liked the “kinky cat butt murder porn” page as some sort of weird joke. Let's give the future possible father of your children the benefit of the doubt here. So, let's see the sorts of photos he's liked.
Type this in the search bar to get a full run down. Does he like every photo “kinky cat but murder porn” has ever posted? Then you have got a code red creepazoid on our hands. It's time to miraculously come down with a case of “the flu” before the hot date tomorrow.
But, maybe he just likes normal pictures. Did you find a funny picture of his friends from the other night? Now that we can work with.
So, there you have it: my four best tips for stalking everyone and anyone on Facebook. Remember being a skilled Facebook stalker is like a super power. Please try to use your powers for good, not evil.