Having A 'Spark' With Someone Isn't Always Enough To Stay In A Relationship

by Candice Jalili

I've been talking to a lot of friends recently about their respective dating problems, and I'm starting to notice a theme. And if this many of my friends are struggling with it, there's a chance some of you are, too.

Now, we all know the "spark," right? It's that feeling when you meet someone and you just know they're going to matter. They are a complete stranger but, for one reason or another, something about them draws you in and you instantly feel a deep connection.

I really do love the spark just as much as the next rom-com-loving girl. But sometimes, it really isn't enough.

For instance, some of my friends seem to be under the impression that a "spark" in a relationship is an excuse to put up with some douchebag treating you like shit.

But if ALL someone can offer you is a spark, you need to realize that you deserve more.

If ALL someone can offer you is a spark, you need to realize that you deserve more.

I'm not saying you have to give up on the spark completely. In fact, you're not wrong to want it. But a lot of the time, only having a spark will leave you hurt and disappointed. So, you just need to revise your relationship goals a little bit.

Instead of blindly following a spark, try going for a spark with a side of stability.

During the long conversations with my friends — in which we compared and contrasted every guy we've ever been with — we realized the best partners were the ones who gave us both: The spark and dependability.

Regardless of how deep your connection is, if your SO is going to bail on every single plan you make, cheat on you, or refuse to call you his girlfriend after months of seeing each other, there comes a point when that initial spark just isn't enough.

That being said, you don't want to give up on the power of the spark entirely. When it comes to dating, I'm picky. My worst nightmare is settling for some boring, average dud who I have no real connection with.

Frankly, I'd rather be alone.

Because of this, the spark is important. More than that, it's necessary. It's what keeps you fighting for the relationship, even when times inevitably get tough. It's what makes you continue to smile at your phone like a total dork when he texts you months and months down the line. You can't sacrifice it.

But if it's all you have, you're going to get hurt. Notice that I didn't say, “You might get hurt.”

It's a general fact: If all you have is witty banter or fantastic sex, you're going to wind up disappointed.

See, you can have witty banter with a guy who cheats on you. You can have fantastic sex with a guy who will never want to call you his girlfriend. You can feel totally comfortable with a guy who flakes on every single plan he makes with you. You can have deep heart-to-hearts with a guy who doesn't talk to you for days on end.

And I promise you, every single one of those guys will shatter your heart to pieces every single time.

Setting your hopes up high for someone only to have them disappoint you undoubtedly sucks. Sometimes, they just can't give you what you want — which doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care about or love you. It just means you deserve better than what they're capable of giving.

It's also important to note that a failed relationship doesn't make the spark you felt any less real. Your connection with that person was real; it just wasn't enough to sustain a relationship.

A failed relationship doesn't make the spark you felt any less real.

OK, now that I've thoroughly depressed you, there is a BRIGHT side to all of this.

Drumroll please...

You can find someone who gives you both! You can find someone with whom you feel a massive connection who ALSO treats you like gold.

That person exists, I promise. And that's who you deserve to be with — not the guy who makes you soar sky-high one minute only to let you crash and burn the next day. And it's definitely not the guy who doesn't make you feel anything.

You deserve the guy who gives you a spark and then some.

No, you deserve the guy who gives you a spark and then some.

He may take a little more time to find, but I promise you, he's out there.