My friends and I have coined the saying “having all the feels” for when we feel like there is a tidal wave of emotion heading right toward our hearts.
It sounds dramatic and weird, but we have this understanding that there are days we would like to crawl into bed, forget about the world, listen to ballads and cry our faces off.
The past few days, I have indeed been having “all the feels.”
I've been experiencing some deeply-rooted emotions where half of me says I’m crazy, immature, naive and have overly idealized a situation.
Yet, the other side says things are happening for a reason. While you have these feelings, it’s important to analyze them and hold them dear.
It’s a very conflicting state of mind.
What happens when you think you've experienced love, yet it’s slipped out your hand? It’s like those scenes from movies where someone is reaching for another’s hand, but the hand is just barely out of reach.
That’s how I feel.
It is a “so close, yet so far” mindset that tortures your heart.
These kinds of relationships sneak up on you. They are usually wrapped in time, history and deep connections that not everyone has a chance to experience.
The next thing you know, you’re running through these circles you never intended to for longer than you’d like to admit.
If we're being honest with ourselves, we might actually admit to loving the person dearly.
In fact, loving the person was never a question. Rather, it’s the kind of love that has you feeing regret.
So, we find our hearts asking these questions:
1. Am I selfish if I want to be with him and be happy with him?
No, you're not.
There is a reason why you feel this unexplainable pain in your heart when you know he is happy with somebody else, or has the opportunity to be happy with someone who isn’t you.
There is another reason why you feel like all the dates you go on feel flat. It isn’t a question of if you loved him.
Rather, you had a taste of something good. Now, it’s gone.
Sometimes, we meet people who set standards, and it’s hard to escape them.
We want to still feel like we have a chance.
2. Why do I feel like some days are great, and others not so much?
Sometimes, we spend a lot of time (probably too much time) thinking about how our actions impact the behaviors of the other person, whether the person is bringing us closer or farther apart.
One day, he'll text you for hours straight. Other times, you won’t hear from him for days.
We are all busy. But we still make the time to post on Facebook or post gym selfies on Instagram.
We get angry and upset.
But then you know, deep down, you’re not.
You’re just conflicted.
3. So, should I let him go?
Maybe this person has acted as your safety net for a long time.
You treasure his company, conversation and outlook on life. You appreciated the way he used to sweep you off your feet and the way his eyes can sparkle and seem to dance when they get excited.
There is a neediness that comes out and makes you smile.
There was a way he kissed you that had you melting in his arms.
When he texted you saying he appreciated you, it’s as if you walked across the tightrope of life.
But you knew he was there to catch you. There was always that mutual security of relying on one another.
But I have nights where I find myself writing letters to him I’ll never send. I idealize what was, instead of focusing on what actually is.
I can’t say if it’s healthy for me to give up my feelings.
I am a firm believer there is a reason why people stay in our lives.
I also think there is a point to be made when people exit your life.
However, the romantic in me thinks there is another reason why you can look at him and feel safe. There aren’t many people who embody trust and security just by holding your arm.
Yet, the hardest things about letting go of a relationship that might happen are the following: If I walk away, am I giving up on something worth fighting for? Did I waste my time? Was this just another person who didn’t appreciate me?
The simple answer is no.
As with every relationship you have in life (even the unhealthy ones), you learn from this one and realize why it made you better.
But you don’t deserve crying yourself to sleep at night. You don’t deserve to be a life preserver one day and a coat hanger the next.
You don’t deserve remnants of what was good. You deserve the whole good.
Maybe you cling to him because you are afraid you won’t be able to love someone else the same.
Or perhaps you don’t know if someone is going to show you what true love is.
Or maybe he or she seems to have plenty of options while you’re watching Netflix and chilling alone.
Let me tell you something: You deserve someone who is going to sweep you off your feet.
You deserve someone who makes you laugh until you cry. You deserve someone who will sing your favorite karaoke song even though he sounds awful. You deserve someone who surprises you by showing up and supporting you.
One day, he will realize what he let slip through his fingers.
Maybe he’ll come back. But there’s a greater chance he will look at you from a distance, with regret.
Only you can decide if someone is worth keeping.
It isn’t false hope. It’s knowing yourself and loving yourself enough to saying “I am worth more.”
For now, I’m saying hello from the other side by saying it’s okay to feel conflicted.
You’re not alone.
Sometimes, there’s comfort in knowing this.
