Alright, I feel passionately about this, so let’s just dive in. BEING SINGLE ON VALENTINE’S DAY IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
People f*cking complain about it as if they've fallen victim to some horrible, horrible condition. I am single, and I have been single for every Valentine's Day to date. I GET IT. Valentine's Day is the one day of the year where we are supposed to celebrate ~LOVE~ and we, single people, seem to be sh*t out of luck because we have nobody to share it with. Instead of being showered with chocolates and flowers and hours of candlelit lovemaking, we'll probably curl up in bed with our best friend and a tub of Ben and Jerry's as we cry our hearts out to "The Notebook."
It's obviously not going to be the BEST DAY EVER. But it's also not going to be the worst, so you can really chill the f*ck out about it. Ben and Jerry's is delicious, and I guarantee your single relationship with yourself is better than 70 percent of the bullsh*t couples you walk by on the street.
Do us all a favor and save all of this b*tching for when something actually bad happens, like, um, I don’t know ... terminal illness?!
Just to give you more examples of the sort of "b*tching" I’m talking about here, I searched "single on valentine’s day" on Twitter. Let me share with you what came up.
So you're not just single, but you're a single LONER? Looks like we've got some bigger fish to fry here.
OMG HOW DARE THEY BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU, ERIN, ARE SINGLE?!? Rude.
Somebody call the WAH-mbulance.
Forever?!?! OMG NOOOO!
Ugh, another year. I am so, so, so sorry.
Yeah, it would also be nice if someone figured out a way to end world hunger, but let's focus on this problem first.
Because you clearly never reminisce on that during any other time of the year.
So f*cking crazy.
There were about eight million more that I could include, but I’ll spare you.
Really, Tipton? Is it THAT crazy that you’ve managed to be single for 19 years?! First off, I am going to go ahead and assume that 19 years is your entire life. So let’s stop complaining about the days you spent as an infant and not in a relationship. In fact, you’ve really only had about five viable dating years that you’ve managed to stay single for, so is that really a noteworthy accomplishment? Like, I’m sorry, but WHO GIVES A SH*T?
The fact that you’ve been single every Valentine’s Day tells me nothing. For all I know, you could have been in a very serious relationship 364 days out of every year with a girl who just happens to have broken up with you every February 14th. Or maybe you’ve consistently had summer flings. Or MAYBE you really have just consistently been single. Whichever it was, still not seeing why you or anybody else should care about this crazy phenomenon you seem to have just discovered about being single every Valentine's Day.
My biggest problem with this whole thing is that the people who complain the most aren’t just saving this epic pity party for Valentine’s Day. They’re the ones who spend every day of the year cursing their chronic singledom like sane people would curse a terminal cancer they were diagnosed with at a young age.
They're the people who get livid when their friends get in relationships and aren't available to spend every waking moment with them anymore. The people who spend every waking moment analyzing every and any reason for their constant state of singleness and making awkward half-jokes about dying alone with a million cats. That’s right. They’re those people.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that Valentine's Day is actually just as much of a holiday for them as it is for happy people in relationships.
Happy people in relationships see Valentine's Day as the one day when they can really celebrate their love without feeling like obnoxious idiots, while the bitter single people see it as the one day when they can throw the most epic pity party of all time for themselves. And as a single person, you know who I’m more offended by? The latter.
Stop making the rest of us single people look like such desperate losers! News flash: there are about eight million other important things for you to focus your attention on other than having a significant other. Go get a hobby or a friend or something.
Odds are, you are, underneath all of that bitter insecurity, a beautiful, smart, hilarious, and just all-around fantastic person. So please, please, please STOP ACTING SO PATHETIC. Don’t let having a boyfriend or girlfriend make or break your happiness. You are better than that.
And, honestly, if you don’t feel like taking my advice, there seem to be an ABUNDANCE of pathetic losers who care just as much as you do about being single. Spare us all the pain of hearing you constantly b*tch and ask one of them out.