Single Bells Rock: 25 Reasons To Stay Single This Holiday Season
Many singles loathe and dread the holiday season because they have no one to exchange presents or body fluids with. Tinsel and twinkling lights do a good job of telling people not to be depressed -- which, as we all know, doesn't work. But having blue balls doesn't mean you have to have a blue Christmas.
In fact, being single during the holiday season is actually the best time to fly your sleigh solo.
Hell, it took a long time for people to appreciate Rudolph. Follow Rudolph's lead; don't settle for second-best. Don't let your relationship status turn you into the Grinch, but do make other people green with envy when they see how much freedom being single gives you.
Here are 25 reasons to remind you that being single during the holidays actually rocks:
1. No shaving means you can strut Chewbacca legs all day, erry day.
Who needs leg warmers or razors when you have the majestic fur of a Wookiee to keep you warm this winter?
2. Since you don't have to buy presents for a partner, you can buy double the presents for yourself.
Or you can drink gingerbread frappuccinos until your heart explodes with all of the money you saved. Or just avoid shopping altogether.
3. You can chug as much eggnog as you want because you're not worrying about your egg count.
Don't forget to slip some alcohol in it (just don't mix up your glass with your niece's).
4. You don't have to see anyone else's psycho family.
You can just celebrate the holidays with your own crazy fam bam!
5. Sleigh bells ring, but STDs sting.
Having no sex allows you to peacefully focus on Rudolph, Blitzen and Prancer instead of worrying about gonorrhea, chlamydia and herpes.
6. You can give new meaning to the term "Hanukkah bush."
Since no one is looking at your goods, you're probably going to be more comfortable letting loose down there.
7. You don't have to bust your ass on ice trying to impress a date.
Actually, forget "creative" winter dates entirely.
8. Say hello to milk and cookies.
Grow a belly that will rival Santa's.
9. You can embellish the sh*t out of your place or have nothing up at all.
The only person who cares will be you.
10. You have the time to cultivate a decorative life to go with your tree.
Your new hobbies will keep you warm by the fire (and your knitting craze will make for great Christmas gifts).
11. You don't have to wrap one f*cking thing.
You're just not in the mood, and your parents are perfectly happy with those gift certificates.
12. You can watch "Home Alone" while home alone.
There's no shame in watching all your favorite childhood Christmas movies on repeat. Focus on "The Year Without A Santa Claus" instead of your year without a sex life.
13. Or you can do a 180 and go "Bad Santa."
Put some jingle in your jizz by streaming some holiday porn.
14. And having no BAE means not having to share a blanket.
You're not thirsty -- just toasty.
15. You can hibernate in your bed for days on end.
On the 12 days of Christmas, you can give zero f*cks. No one has to know.
16. It's too cold to have sex.
It won't matter if your dick drops with the temperature; no one will see it.
Plus, you don't have to worry about diamond nipples while trying to have sex in the cold.
17. Instead of giving oral, you can suck on things that actually taste good.
Like candy canes.
18. You wear an actual ugly sweater to an ugly sweater party.
Because you're looking to have fun -- not to impress anyone.
19. You don't have to worry about looking good on Christmas.
In fact, you can wear sweatpants for your entire vacation.
20. Stockings don't have to be the only thing getting stuffed this year.
If your crotch is in the Christmas spirit, go ahead and earn your spot on the naughty list, you filthy animal. And if you're Jewish, there's nothing like some guilt to go with your gelt.
21. You don't have to fake a reaction to a bad present.
You can exchange the gift and get something you actually want.
22. You don't have to risk hypothermia while waiting for the bus to go to your lover's place.
In fact, you don't need to leave your house at all.
23. You can take time to fully appreciate Frosty's dad bod.
And Jack Frost's pecs, while you're at it.
24. 'Tis the season to meet other singles while getting drunk at holiday parties for free.
You don't have anyone clocking you, and you're not expecting a baby in a manger anytime soon, so feel free to down those peppermint schnapps all night.