Relationships
A woman realizes she's dating someone not over their ex.

Here Are 6 Dating Behaviors That Mean Someone Def Isn't Over Their Ex

It's a red flag if they're constantly bringing their ex up in conversation.

Updated: 
Originally Published: 
PeopleImages/E+/Getty Images

Imagine this all-too-real scenario for a minute: You've been dating someone for a few weeks and everything's going well. You really like them and think this could lead to a great relationship. The downside? They bring up their ex's name way too often, or you catch them creeping on their social media. It's uncomfortable, and you aren't sure what to do about it. There are usually signs someone is not over their ex quite yet, and knowing these red flags might be able to tell you whether or not you’re dating someone whose heart belongs to someone else.

But does it really matter if your partner isn't over their ex before they start dating you? Sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr tells Elite Daily that it does. "From the wondering, dreaming, thinking about 'what ifs' or 'what should have beens' with an ex, still being connected with them takes emotional energy — and that is energy that cannot go to a current partner,” she says.

She also points out the importance of emotional availability, saying, "If you want to be involved fully with this person, it's important that they are available to be emotionally involved and in love with you. Still being involved or hung up with an ex creates a dynamic where there is a 'third,' which can be defined as anyone or anything that intrudes on the couple, or makes it difficult to connect deeply and get to know each other." If you notice any of the following signs in your boo’s behavior, then you could be dating someone not over their ex, and it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.

01
They May Not Be Over Their Ex If They Can’t Let Things Go
Shutterstock

If someone isn't over their ex, then they might still be pretty upset about the way things ended. "They still complain about their ex and what they did or didn't do, and that carries charge: bitterness, resentment, anger or sadness," Fehr explains. "They are stuck wishing that things were different and they can't let it go."

Breakup hurts, and healing from a breakup certainly takes time. But when the person you're seeing can't make like Elsa and just let it go, they probably aren't over their ex, which means it might be time to have a conversation. After all, they’ll never be able to open themselves to you if they’re still caught up in the drama of a past love.

02
They May Not Be Over Their Ex If They Want To Stay Friends

Everyone has a different opinion about whether or not staying friends with an ex is a good idea. To each their own, but according to Fehr, someone who maintains regular contact with an ex might be doing so because they're not ready to fully part ways. "They still stay in touch with the ex, in person or via social media, and discuss what they're doing in and with their lives," she says. "They are a presence in their mind and thoughts."

That's not to say that someone who's still friends with an ex will never be able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve. That's very much not the case. You can absolutely still be friends with an ex and be emotionally available to have a relationship with someone else. Nevertheless, you will know when that relationship is a little too close for comfort, especially if the breakup is still very fresh and the exes are regularly communicating and meeting up without you.

03
They May Not Be Over Their Ex If They Check Their Social Media Accounts

If your eyes have ever wandered onto your bae's phone screen, only to find that they're scrolling through their ex's Insta, they might still be hung up, as behavioral scientist and clinician Clarissa Silva tells Elite Daily. In fact, creeping on an ex’s social media at any point isn't particularly healthy. "This only stagnates their growth because it occupies their brain with thoughts about their exes’ activities and whereabouts,” she says.

It probably isn’t a big deal if your partner follows their ex on social media, but if they’re constantly checking up on it or even engaging with that person’s posts, then it’s probably time to talk. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow, "The frequent reminders of the person, the tracking of their lives, keeps us from mourning the loss of the relationship. The result is being stuck in between being with them and moving forward."

04
They May Not Be Over Their Ex If Their Memories Haunt Them
Shutterstock

This one might be hard to pick up on if you've only recently started dating this person, but if they're not over their ex, they might become distracted by thoughts of them. "Especially if someone recently ended a relationship, the person might be constantly reminded of good times together — or bad," Fehr says. "It might feel like everything is a trigger to some memory. They might bring it up or you might feel them drifting away and getting lost in the memory."

Sometimes you only have your intuition to go on, but if you notice that they're becoming more distant, they could be thinking about their ex. Avoiding making accusations (even though it’s tempting), and instead, when your SO feels far away, you could simply prod them back by asking, “What’s on your mind?” If they refuse to answer, there could be a reason.

05
They May Not Be Over Their Ex If They Compare You To Them

A good sign someone is not over their ex is if they only hold their new partner to a standard based on the ex. There are always major relationship deal breakers — like not getting along with friends or family — but if your current date, for example, is annoyed that you ordered lemonade because that was their ex’s favorite or tells you, “My ex would never wear that,” then it should be considered a red flag.

Author and love coach Susan Winter previously told Elite Daily that, while “having gratitude for a positive past love affair” is totally healthy and fine, it’s not healthy for someone to compare every new person they meet to their old flame. “Carrying a torch for an ex robs us of finding love in the future," she said. "Idealizing an ex eliminates the possibility of anyone new entering our lives."

06
They May Not Be Over Their Ex If They Bring Them Up In Conversation

Last, but certainly not least, someone who doesn't stop talking about their ex probably isn't over them. "Their number one topic is their ex," Silva explains. "When someone is struggling to get over an ex, they often reminisce about the relationship." But, there is a difference between reminiscing fondly and reminiscing obsessively to the point where everyone needs to know every detail about their former relationship. That is never fun to sit through.

Host of the breakup BOOST podcast Trina Leckie agrees, telling Elite Daily that someone isn't over their ex "if they talk about their ex often, bring up their ex in conversation, or get emotional about their ex." Additionally, if they compare you to their ex — whether it be bedroom tactics, hobbies, or life details (i.e: "Oh! My ex went to that college too," or "My ex used to love it when I did [insert sexual act] to them.") — they probably aren't over it, Leckie adds.

If you've come to the conclusion that person you're dating isn't over the ex, Leckie recommends taking a step back, and "let them know that you aren’t interested in dating someone who hasn’t moved on from their past relationship. Wish them well and look to meet others who are in the right headspace and looking for the same things you are."

You don't necessarily have to break things off with someone if they aren't over their ex, but it's important to at least talk about it. "Remind them that when they do [bring up their ex], they are only extracting the moments of the relationship they want to remember that where about companionship," Silva advises. "This is also not allowing them to form a relationship with anyone new."

It's not easy to get over an ex, but if someone hasn't moved on from their previous relationship and wants to start something new with you, it might be a good idea to talk things out first. After all, you deserve to be with someone who is as invested in you as you are in them, and that can't happen if they're still thinking about their ex all the time.

Experts:

Irene Fehr, sex and intimacy coach

Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and clinician

Dr. Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist

Susan Winter, author and love coach

Trina Leckie, host of the breakup BOOST podcast

Editor's Note: This story has been updated by Elite Daily Staff.