I recently sat down to happy hour with a few girlfriends after a hectic Thursday at the office. As we began to divulge the recent goings on of the past week, my friend Heather started to tell us about a new guy she’d been “seeing.”
Heather said in all seriousness:
I just never heard from him again after we had sex. He’s such an assh*le.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Hold the phone. Back up.
Heather is in her late 20s, smart, resourceful, funny, an entrepreneur and all around great girl. However, she couldn’t be more disillusioned about men and relationships.
She’s not the only successful, smart woman in that same speed boat headed in a hurry to the isle of delusion, however. So many women still believe sleeping with a man is the gateway to commitment or an exclusive relationship, and they couldn’t be more wrong.
For years, studies have shown there are significant differences in the male and female brain. They just aren’t wired the same way, people.
Now, before I get into this, you should know I’m not pushing abstinence or even waiting until monogamy to sleep with someone. Hell, if you want to sleep with someone on the first date, that’s up to you.
This post is also not about sex being bad. Sex is one of the best things we have the pleasure of experiencing as humans, but it’s important your expectations about it are realistic. After all, expectations are the root of all disappointment.
For men, sex doesn’t equal commitment, or even interest for that matter. And if you’re upset by that, it’s simply NOT the guy's fault, it’s yours.
Here are some reasons why:
Sex Isn’t Emotional For Men
Most women consider sex to be a gift (spoiler alert: it is) and are somewhat discerning about whom they give it up to. Therefore, we assume that as much thought and consideration has been put into it by the other party, but that's not the case.
A man’s decision to take things further physically has absolutely no correlation to whether or not he has considered taking things further with you emotionally.
While females tend to associate intimacy with an emotional connection, males typically do not. In David Jessel and Anne Moir's book, "Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women," they state:
The female mind is organized to place priority on relationship, the male on achievement. Men keep a tally of their sexual conquests. The female brain is not organized to keep sex in a separate compartment. This is a male model, as if his brain has a specific filing cabinet for sex, completely unrelated to emotion.
*Disclaimer: Do I think men are emotionless creatures with no sensitivity or respect towards women when it comes to sex? Definitely not. As many girls know, guys can get just as emotionally attached after sex as women; it’s just certainly not as common.
You’re Not Honest With Him Or Yourself
So often, a woman will sleep with a man and not get the emotional response she was expecting, so naturally, she blames the guy: He’s a player, assh*le or clueless, right? Not the case.
How can you expect to be on the same page with someone about sex if you’ve never had an honest conversation about what it means for both of you?
More importantly, how can you expect to not be disappointed if you haven’t had that same honest conversation with YOURSELF? Before you sleep with him, ask yourself the following:
1) What do I expect from this person in return? 2) Do I expect his behavior to change after the fact? 3) Will my feelings towards him change post-sex?
Now for some women, the answers to these questions could very well be the following:
1) "Nothing, I’m just having fun." 2) "No, hopefully it doesn’t. This is just supposed to be casual." 3) "Definitely not. It's just sex."
If those are your answers, then rock on you cool, laid back, chill woman. You are a rare breed, and we all wish we could be as “down” about sex as you are. That’s what society tells us, at least.
If you’re gonna have emotions after sex, you’re “crazy.” That’s a pretty dangerous assumption, if you ask me, but it’s very real.
The likelihood of you feeling comfortable enough to discuss your expectations about sex with a man you’re not in a relationship with without totally scaring him off is very, very slim.
But, it’s important because it’s going to prevent you from being hurt and disappointed.
If you’re reading this and thinking, 'Hell no, you crazy bitch, I’m not trying to run him off by telling him sex is important to me,' I totally get it because I’ve been there, too.
But, I'll challenge you to ask yourself if you really want to be intimate with a person with whom you don’t feel comfortable having an honest conversation. Probably not. But…
Don’t blame him for not being interested in a relationship with you after you’ve slept together if you refuse to be honest with him or yourself about what you expect.
The truth is, emotions after sex are normal for women. Expecting a relationship or interest from a guy because of sex is what really makes you “crazy.”
You’re Not A Challenge
Men, by nature, want and need a challenge. It’s the primitive part of what makes them feel like men: the hunt, the chase and the kill. Rawr.
In my opinion, there’s no specific formula for figuring out when is an appropriate time to sleep with someone. But, when the challenge ends too quickly, things can become pretty boring, pretty fast. Don’t be easy; make 'em work.
Helpful Hint #1: Men will chase women who are happy, independent, sincere, honest and who treat them with respect.
Helpful Hint #2: If he abandons the chase soon after realizing it might make him sweat a little bit, he's just not that into you.
You’re Not Giving Him Good "Brain" Before Sex
Your most powerful point of seduction is your mind. Unfortunately, lots of women believe if they can entice men with their bodies, they will soon be enticed by their minds. Wrong. Totally backwards.
Women get off on the sexual power they are often able to hold over men, but when they finally get them and they don't ever call again, who’s really won this round?
Being emotionally vulnerable is scarier for men than being physically vulnerable. So, it's important to create a relationship based on an emotional connection and interest, BEFORE you jump into bed.
It’s about being as tantalizing, desirable and stimulating MENTALLY as you are physically.
If you’re reading this as a male and thinking, 'I'm so glad no one knows about the time I cried after Jenny didn’t call me after that one night of great sex,' I feel you, bro.
There are exceptions to everything. Guys can be as emotionally involved as women after sex, and women aren’t all just emotional basket cases after one night in the sheets.
But, it’s a fact that our brains are wired differently, and we tend to think differently when it comes to sex and relationships.
So, I’ll leave you with this: Be honest with yourself, your partner and your feelings. You’re not crazy for wanting more, or for feeling more connected to a person after you’ve slept together.
But, don’t sleep with someone in hopes that he or she will become more connected to you as a result because then you’re just another passenger in my dear friend Heather’s boat to the isle of delusion.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It