A close friend of mine recently set me up with this guy she knows; it’s not the first time this has happened to me. I have been set up a few times with friends of friends, but more often than never, I’ve never made it past the first date.
This one guy, however, made it past the first date. In fact, we made it to a second, third, fourth, and well, let’s just say we ended it up meeting each other’s families and friends within the first month. Things came to an end, but we got to know each other well enough to know that moving too fast, and doing certain things way too soon, simply just didn’t work out.
I still I appreciate my friends being open to introducing me to all the potentials they know. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve also been guilty of playing cupid, myself. In fact, I’ve actually tried playing matchmaker many times. I love the idea of two people falling in love, and if I can be a part of two people finding their soul mates, I’ll take it!
Recently, though, my cupid career has fallen through the cracks. I learned many lessons by getting set up and setting up others, which is why I’m here to tell you, from my own experience, why setting up friends with friends is a very bad idea.
You Might Know Less About Your Friend Than You Think
Ok, I’m not going to say you need to know this person inside and out to determine whether he/she is good enough for your friend. However, your friend is a different person with you than they are in romantic relationships. Let’s just put it this way: people sugar coat things whether you like it or not. No one will ever willingly admit to faults and bad qualities.
Everybody thinks they are a good catch. There’s no chance in hell your friend will tell you things like, “I like to fart at night and I’m really possessive at times.” Everybody thinks they are good enough for someone; in fact, some might think they are just perfect, yet they can’t find reasons why they are in they’re in their 30s, single, and have no kids, while everyone else is already heading into their second marriage.
You Have To Choose Sides
All females should know there are certain boundaries when it comes to being friends with you girl friend’s boyfriend. And what happens when you set up your “guy friend” with your girl friend? Do you still give him relationship advice? Do you tell your girlfriend what he says about her? The answer to this is yes, you sure do. You have to know how to maintain the relationship with all parties involved, in a civil manner.
Now if you happen to hook up your guy friend with a friend you barely know, like a coworker or someone you haven’t really hung out with before, then I say your loyalty in this situation is to the guy friend, who you’re closer with. If you hooked up your close girl friend with some guy you know cordially, but not very well, you bet your ass you better tell her everything he says about her – if he tells you, that is.
Now I’ve been in situations where I’ve set up two really good friends and been stuck in the middle. I’ve simply kept all information very vague and suggest they communicate amongst each other. Ultimately, the right thing to do is tell the truth to the friend you are the closest to. Always be a loyal friend.
Feelings Are Often Misconstrued
I always wondered if it were possible to really have a guy friend/girl friend you really don’t feel anything for. People are often naïve or choose to be in denial about someone having feelings for them. Many men will become close friends with women for one reason only, and that is so that when the opportunity comes in and the women are single, the men can swoop in and be the lifesaver.
Some men will pretend to be a woman’s friend, ultimately, because they want to snatch the opportunity to bang the woman, or to become her next boyfriend. I truly don’t believe in guy friends, unless he can also be my boyfriend’s friend, he’s married, or he’s way out of my league. I don’t believe a man and woman can simply be friends, especially if the attraction is there. We are all humans with raging hormones. In the end, either the male or female will end up falling for the other.
I don’t know how many countless times friends have come to me and said, “Her ‘guy friend’ tried to kiss her and confess he has been in love with her all along.” One drunken night will always end up ruining that “friendship” they both claimed they had. A real friend will tell you how it is and will not try to salt your relationship by giving you negative advice. They will tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how to fix it to make it work. If you secretly think your friend is hot, and he or she has all the attributes you like in a man or woman, you aren’t just this person’s friend. Your true intentions are much more than that.
You Can’t Predict Attraction
First of all, pictures lie, lie, lie. I cannot stress that enough. I once was set up with a guy, we exchanged a few pictures and text messages, he was good-looking, and according to both him and my friend, he was very successful. So I went for it. I asked my friend repeatedly if I would find him attractive, and repeatedly, she told me yes, followed by, “Looks aren’t everything.” B*tch please! I should’ve known at that point…something was up.
Ok, yes I’m guilty of once being with a man that I never found attractive. After two years, I fell in love with him. Personally, though, I choose brains and humor over any other factor. So, I'm not saying it can’t happen!
Going back to my experience, the guy my friend set me up with was the opposite of what I find attractive. For starters, I was his height - with heels on! Keep in mind I’m only five feet tall. Secondly, I had bigger muscles than him! Shoot, I want a man, not a boy going through puberty! Finally, one word: hair!! The man was Middle Eastern, but his hair didn’t make him any more manly or attractive, seeing as he actually looked like a 13-year-old with a head full of curls and overgrown facial hair.
I’m not trying to be shallow. For all I know, there has been someone I’ve been set up with that didn’t necessarily find me attractive. I can only speak for myself when I say there has to be some sort of attraction in order to date someone. Whenever someone tells you looks don’t matter and sets you up on a date based on how successful the person is, be concerned. Not to mention, it’s slightly offensive when getting hooked up with someone you find to be much less attractive than you. The same goes for when you’re playing matchmaker for friends.
Ultimately, it’s just not a good idea to play cupid with your friends, from any way you look at it. If you really think two people should meet, and you think they would be great for each other, take them out for a group date. Allow them to get to know each other, find out what the other is all about, and see if they hit it off. Most importantly, stay out of the relationship.
Know that if the relationship doesn’t end up working out, you are at risk of losing one of these friends. You will end up feeling awkward and obligated to one more than the other, and in the end, you’ll simply owe your loyalty to that person. The only good point of bringing to friends together is that, if it goes well, they will forever remember you and thank you for introducing them.
Finding your soul mate is really hard. Relationships are hard. Having someone introduce you to a possible match is a hall pass and can potentially turn out great. On the other end, it can also turn out to be one of the most awkward situations. So, if you are going to play cupid, know which direction your bow will hit.