We’ve all been there before -- at the end of the relationship where everything is going south, but you just can’t seem to find the right words to break it off.
If you can’t fathom spending another night dining in awkward silence, banging doggy style so no-one has to see the other person’s face, then here are some easy ways to encourage the demise of any relationship:
Start Seeing other people
Anyone, really – you don’t have to be picky. It could be their best friend, someone they work with or even their brother or sister. Just make sure it’s someone that they know so it’ll no doubt get back to them. If you really want to put a nail in the coffin, throw some sex in there too. Sure, your reputation won’t be the best afterwards, but hey – it got the job done, right?
List your Flaws
Ask your partner why they are dating someone like you, and follow up with continual compliments about how they are a better person than you are. Start listing all your faults and flaws, emphasizing things like how you’re afraid of commitment, tend to lie and cheat and how all your life you strive to be unemployed and living off someone else’s money. People tend to believe what they are told, so tell your better half that they deserve better than you, and how lucky you are that they chose you.
Start dictating what they can and can’t do and demand to know where they are and who they’re with at all time. Make them speak to everyone on speakerphone so you know exactly what’s going down. Forbid them to talk to their friends, family or their dog. Demand that they check in with you as soon as they get to work and call incessantly every hour just to see that they’re at their desk. If they accuse you of being crazy, sulk and blame them for making you act the way you do because they’re always "hiding things from you."
Say I Love You
Nothing makes an awkward relationship more uncomfortable than throwing in the three words no one wants to hear. Make it extra special by saying it at a moment when you both least expect it – maybe when you’re taking a dump, or cutting your toenails – it really catches the other person off-guard. To hit them with this intense declaration of love is most likely going to freak them out and cause them to break up with you. However, this plan may completely backfire and entice your partner to actually fall in love with you.
This is extra effective if the above doesn’t work. Tell them that you love them so much that you cannot fathom ever being in the world without them, so it’s best for you to end it now. Maybe even suggest how the act of dying together will bond you for eternity, much like your love for each other. Start quoting from the death scene of "Romeo and Juliet" and leave open on your laptop Google searches on couples suicide pacts information on tasteless, odorless poisons.
Let Yourself Go
Nothing says "I don’t care about you, or myself" than a lover who loses complete interest in their personal upkeep. For the ladies – just throw away your razor, make-up, deodorant and perfume all while switching out your yoga pants with those comfortable sweat pants that are two seizes too large. Guys – completely abandon showering after working out. In fact, don’t even change out of your workout clothes and just wear those rank t-shirt and shorts combo everywhere.
Every breakup sucks and feelings will be hurt, but life’s too short to waste holding onto something that makes you both miserable. Take my advice and you’ll be single and ready to mingle in no time.
The Trophy Wife | Elite.