The Age-Old Question: Is Great Sex Necessary For Great Love?


Is the idea of being sexually entranced a likely consequence of true feelings? Is it possible that love could be an extension of an extraordinary sexual compatibility? Maybe true love and physical attraction between two individuals are concurrent phenomena.

Once we absolve ourselves of a fairytale’s preconceptions, reality strikes. It can become overwhelming to know that, contrary to the expectations established during childhood, Prince Charming will not automatically appear — in fact, he may not exist period — and that “happily ever after” is not automatically reached with the signing of a marriage certificate.

While you’re a young adult, you will naturally accrue insecurities, frustrations and fears. Life will present you with complicated situations. Maybe your personal Prince Charming won’t appear as you dreamed; he may not ride a white horse, but he might be a mature adult who can offer you security, tenderness, appreciation and love. It’s your job to decide to see him.

He’s not going to be perfect — maybe he’s terrible in bed or doesn’t treat you with the high quality of respect that you deserve. But you always have a choice: leave or stay.

Great sexual compatibility is not easy to find. A special relationship that lacks sexual chemistry will likely not be sustainable in the long run. When you find yourself in an unsatisfying sexual situation, remember to take a step back and consider the big picture. Realize that you are responsible for your actions and decisions and that no one but you can decide not to settle for less than you need and deserve.

I've navigated these kinds of situations; I’ve experienced “true love” with a man I thought was “the one.” I have lived in harmony with another without feeling sexually connected. But then, I had such earth-shattering sex with a man that I questioned everything I knew about sex before I met him. He showed me my wild side, but made feel absolutely miserable in every other context of our relationship.

Having experienced both kinds of relationships, I learned that I miss the man with whom I shared a deep love despite his lacking in the bedroom. I also miss the sexual satisfaction that I reached with the man who couldn’t make me feel loved outside of the bedroom. While I’m sad that neither of these half-perfect situations were more, I know that I don’t regret either relationship.

We will never really explain what creates chemistry between two souls. It is a person’s duty to understand him or herself — imperfections, idiosyncrasies and all -- to identify our needs, to adapt, to search, to fall in love, to obey and, sometimes, to get outraged.

Achieving happiness does not require a perfect man. To be in a happy partnership, people need compatibility — someone who appreciates our strengths and our weaknesses. Someone who is supportive and encouraging, someone with whom you want to spend your nights and mornings, someone who makes you feel good about yourself, who is imperfectly perfect.

Only after internalizing this can we remove ourselves from comparisons of the past. There is no canonized interpretation of love, and there is not one for sex either.

Photo credit: We Heart It