I don't want to brag, but umm, I am pretty basic in bed.
When it comes to sex, I am great at two positions: missionary and me on top. But I feel like porn has done this weird thing to society where every time I enter the bedroom with a new partner, I feel some enormous pressure to be an acrobat in the bedroom.
No, you cannot human pretzel me. What are you trying to do here?!
I don't want to swing from the ceiling, and I don't want to get into some sex position where you're staring at some part of my body that I really do my best to keep clean and hidden from the world 99 percent of the time.
Here are some terrifying sex positions that seriously should not exist.
1. Pick Me Up Against The Wall
I also like to call this position "the human scale." You know what I don't like to have happen to me during sex or mostly any other time? For me to be lifted up.
I once was having sex in this position and noticed that my guy was grunting and breathing abnormally heavily. "Wow," I thought. "He is really enjoying this."
Nope! I was just getting super heavy to hold, and he was doing his best not to drop me at any second. He lost his erection, I got some body image issues, and none of this was fun for anybody.
Any time a guy picks me up during sex, it feels fun for the first 10 seconds. But then, it feels like CrossFit immediately after.
Hard pass.
2. The Wheelbarrow
Mostly, I am not a fan of sexual positions that compare women to inanimate objects. I have learned throughout my 31 years of life that I, surprisingly, am actually not a wheelbarrow. I am a living, breathing, human woman!
Additionally, this position is neither fun, easy, nor aesthetically pleasing. For me, sex should be an intimate experience where I feel connected to my partner.
It should not be something that feels like the beginning portion of a relay race.
3. 69
Guys, it's time that we all just admit it: 69ing isn't fun.
I can't concentrate on what I'm doing, and I certainly can't concentrate on what I'm receiving. Who started the rumor that people actually like this? I think a couple tried it once and was so confused by what they were doing, that by the time they were finished, they were just like, "Umm, that was fun? Yeah?" And then, it just became a trend.
Everyone should 69 at least once in their life, but not only is this position not pleasurable, it's also kind of scary. I'm essentially giving my partner a blowjob while staring into his butthole.
Not a great view, guys!
4. Reverse Cowgirl
In my opinion, you might as well just put a bag over my head for this one.
It can be totally hard to connect. Plus, I don't know about you, but I find this position to actually be quite painful.
5. The Waterfall
Although I've never done it in my own bedroom (because it's terrifying!!), "the waterfall" is when the man lies off the bed with his head on the floor, and the woman rides on top of him.
There is absolutely no way someone is not falling off the bed in this scenario!
6. The Butter Churner
In this position, the woman sits with her legs over her head, and the man sits on top of her (like she is a chair) and dips his penis in and out of her vagina.
You know, it's like the girl is a butter churn, and the guy is churning butter with his you know what.
Do I need to tell you why this position should be removed from the face of the Earth forever and ever, or is that totally self-explanatory?
Listen, absolutely no sex shame here. Everyone should indulge in any safe, consensual sexual activities that they enjoy. But these are some sexual positions that absolutely terrify me.
Are there any sex positions that are no-gos on your list? It might be time to whip out a copy of the Kama Sutra and see.
