The perception of shower sex has really run the gamut in my time on this Earth.
It seems like ever since I was aware of the concept of having coitus in the shower, I was told it wasn't a good idea. It was either too slippery, too wet (which at the time seemed like an impossibility) or too dangerous.
Running contrary to these Puritanical beliefs were the HBO softcore movies, regular movies and straight-up pornos that made it seem not only easy, but hot, passionate, sexy and satisfying for all parties involved.
What began as dangerous became glamorous, all from afar.
Then, when it came time for me to potentially enter the realm of intercourse (a club, frankly, I'm still generally stunned women have allowed me entry to with any regularity), it seemed like shower sex had crossed into a new category: disgusting and overrated.
This won't make much sense because it didn't then and doesn't now, but as a younger man, I found the whole idea of it to be, at best, intrusive.
Showering, I nonsensically reasoned at the time, was a private affair. The inane ironies of that viewpoint aren't lost on me, so you don't even need to point them out.
To recap: Dangerous turned to glamorous turned to overrated. All of this happened without actual application.
What else — with the possible exception of Alex Rodriguez — has gone through that much of a perception change?
Well, I'm writing today to tell you shower sex has gone through one more change. It is that awesome.
I'm not writing this because I just had shower sex or because I will at any point soon. I'm writing it because I'm tired of all the hate.
It's not only not that bad, but it's pretty damn great.
Here are the reasons why:
1. It's so damn clean.
I honestly can't stress enough how big of a deal this is to me. There are few things worse than that post-sex funk that hangs over a room.
The sheets, depending on the time of year, are mildly damp, and the smell is never bad, but never good, either. Clothes are God knows where.
But none of that is true with shower sex. You know exactly where your clothes are.
The smell ranges from good (if it's a guy's shower) to unfuckingbelievable (if it's a woman's shower). With the amount of lotions and ointments and balms and conditioners and shampoos and washes and scrubs, it's impossible not to smell amazing.
Seriously, this is so important to me that if word count was of no consequence whatsoever, this article would've simply been titled “One Reason Shower Sex Is Actually Awesome,” and it would've read, “Because you are cleaner than in any other position or method.”
2. It's super intimate, which is good.
Let's be fair: You're not swiping right on a girl on Hinge, grabbing drinks later that week and then having shower sex with her that night. It's not happening, and there's good reason for it.
It's intimate as all hell, which is a great thing. Especially nowadays, when certain elements of sex have sadly gained a perfunctory, meaningless air.
I mean, don't get me wrong; I'm all for a carefree romp just like the next guy, but there's some value to the intimacy.
First, if you're having shower sex with someone, chances are, you're in a pretty decent relationship. That person trusts you, as you do him or her. Second, you're likely having sex fairly regularly if you've decided to move out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.
Above all else, it's passionate. People who are generally disinterested in one another don't casually make their way to the shower to have sex.
It's something new, something exciting and something different. Those are all things that are good in relationships, especially the healthy ones.
3. This is not the movies, and that's OK.
All you hear about in the various articles, posts and lists blaspheming shower sex are the various issues of too much water, not enough water, soap in your eyes, dangerous positions, not hot (temperature wise) enough water and on and on.
Here's how you solve that: Recognize this isn't a goddamned Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway movie or HBO series, and move on with your life.
Yeah, you won't be able to screw like they did in "The Notebook." So what? That doesn't mean it can't be great.
Here are a few tips: One, don't actually do any showering until you're done. Don't use any soap of any kind until you've finished.
That way, you avoid the perils of soap in the eye as well as the incredible difference in shower times between you and your significant other.
Two, don't get cute with positions. Find the one that works for you and get your heights situated, and you'll be fine.
Third, don't do anything that's in absolute direct contact of water for both of you. If you keep the door closed and the water is actually hot, the room should be plenty warm enough for both. And neither of you will drown or slip.
4. It's all about acceptance.
As I mentioned before, one of my biggest issues with shower sex before I'd ever even tried it was that showering, as I viewed it, was an incredibly personal, intimate activity. You're literally ridding yourself of filth and grime in all the places you go out of your way not to let other people see.
So it's for this reason shower sex is also great. Because if you can do that with someone in the shower where the lights are typically on and there are no sheets to hide behind or (hopefully) alcohol to cloud judgement, then you've reached a true level of acceptance with yourself and your body.
This reason may wind up being the corniest, but it might also be the most real.
So, in an effort not to end an article about why shower sex is so great on a serious note, here's the final reason: Because it's sex, and that's reason enough.