Rene de Haan

Sex World Records That Put Your Love Life To Shame

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Do you ever finish a love-making session, turn to your partner and say, "Wow, that was pretty epic. How long did we go for?"

*Checks watch*

"Oh, seven minutes. Cool." If this seems familiar to you, then you're probably trying to break your own personal sex record.

However, unfortunately for you, there are already sex world records that put that one time you had sex for 37 minutes before you got too tired to finish to shame.

1. The Longest Masturbation Session

Universal Pictures

Woody Allen once said,

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

While I literally feared for my job after Googling "Woody Allen masturbation" in order to recall the exact wording, you can feel free to laugh.

Or feel free to lose your goddamn mind after realizing the world's longest masturbation session lasted for nine hours and 58 minutes.

That's right, pop in all three "Lord of the Rings" DVDs, folks.

That record was set by Masanobu Sato who did the deed at a "Masturbate-a-thon" at the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco in 2009.

2. Most Orgasms In A Day

Zara Richardson sets the record with over 500 orgasms in a single 24-hour period. So, watch this GIF 500 times, and you'll get the picture.

However, this is due to Zara's Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, which is not such a pleasant thing.

3. World's Oldest Pair Of Twin Prostitutes

One thing is for sure: You will lose your hat after reading this world record... if you're wearing a hat.

Martine and Louise Fokkens started being prostitutes when they were 20 and "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am"-ed until they were 70.

4. World's Largest Natural Breasts

Susana Ramírez

World, meet Norma Stitz (yes, yes, I know what rhymes with "Stitz").

She's naturally a size 102ZZZ, and each of her breasts weighs 56 pounds.

5. World's Largest Gangbang

Back in 2004, porn star Lisa Sparxx had sex with 919 guys at the Third Annual World Gangbang Championship.

Meanwhile, the most people I've had sex with in one session is one person and 13 stuffed animals who also watched.

Elite Daily

6. Oldest Male Pornstar

It's never too late to get your freak on while the camera is rolling.

Shigeo Tokuda (not the gentlemen who looks like Gandalf in a speedo pictured above) starting working in porn when he was 59 way back in 1994. He's currently 82.

7. World's Oldest Virgin

You someday.

Just kidding, it was Clara Meadmore, who passed away a virgin just before turning 108.

REX/Shutterstock

Apparently, she said she was too "busy" for a relationship. Same, Clara. Same.

8. Oldest Prostitute

An 82-year-old hooker nicknamed "Grandma" was arrested back in 2001 in Taipei, Taiwan.

Honestly, I'm imagining guys using the cover of "going to Grandma's house" in Tapei, and I'm starting to get nauseated.

9. World's Largest Erotic Art Collection

The World Erotic Art Museum, formerly run by Naomi Wilzig, has over 4,000 works of erotic art... or roughly the same amount of "works of erotic art" that can probably be found in your internet browser's search history.

10. Largest Orgy

Held back in 2006, a Japanese orgy featured 250 men and 250 women.

I don't whether to feel relieved or pissed off I wasn't invited.

I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS, JAPAN.

11. World's Strongest Vagina

Tatiata Kozhevnikova lifted 31 pounds with her vagina back in 2009.

12. Most Queefs In 30 Seconds

Giphy

Howard Stern held a queefing championship in 2009, which is a sentence I never thought I'd ever have to write. But hey -- it's 2017.

Abby, who is reportedly a mother-of-two, set the bar very high with her (I kid you not) 93 queefs.

13. World's Largest Penis

Lionsgate

Jonah Falcon is officially a shower and a grower. At. The. Same. Time.

His penis length flaccid? 8 inches.

His penis length erect? 13.5 inches.

14. World's Youngest Mother

In 1939, 5-year-old Lina Medina of Peru gave birth via C-section to a son, whom the family first thought was a tumor.

15. Longest Ejaculation Distance

"To the windoooooooow, to the wall."

Apparently, a guy named Horst Schultz ejaculated 18 feet, 9 inches, but this is unconfirmed.

What I can confirm is the fact I'm going to stick to breaking my own sex achievements after hearing about all these crazy world records.

Citations: Sexual World Records You Didn't Think You Needed To Know! (Perez Hilton)