I have a complicated relationship to sex toys. Buckle up!
I once had to throw away a vibrator because I was using it too much. I was working from home and found that every time I was bored or needed a break, I'd just use it.
That's probably more a problem with me than it is with vibrators, but I just needed to get it off my chest.
Secondly, I once had a guy I met off a dating app ask me for my address. I thought he was going to send me flowers, but nope. He Amazon-Primed me a vibrator, and then, he completely ghosted me.
Talk about an elaborate way of telling me to f*ck off. Yikes.
But I'm a huge believer that women deserve pleasure. Demanding pleasure, loving sex, orgasming — these shouldn't be radical acts. This isn't The Handmaids Tale (yet), and we aren't just vehicles for procreation.
Plus, the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, which is double the nerve endings of the penis. So that means we should be having double the fun.
Instead of relying on your partner to bring you pleasure, here are some sex toys that you can keep in your nightstand (or on your nightstand, if you're proud like that) to help stimulate those nerve endings.
1. The Womanizer Deluxe
Great news, gals. This sex toy actually simulates oral sex with vacuum technology.
Finally, a reason for women to love vacuuming!
How do you use it? Well, the retailer explains that you "place a drop of lube around the edges of the concave nub and put the nub over your clit to create a seal, then lie back and experience eye-rolling bliss."
It's not cheap though — it costs around $200 — but it feels cheap in comparison to the potential heartache and annoyance an actual living, breathing man might cost you.
2. The Magic Wand
You probably saw some incarnation of The Magic Wand in one of your mom's secret drawers when you were growing up. You know, those "neck massagers" that you had to plug in to the wall that were definitely not used for massaging your back or neck?
The Magic Wand is a sex toy staple — one that you really can't go wrong with. It's been around for 30 years, and it's not for the faint of heart. This baby is powerful and has a long battery life (if you're going for a marathon session, or something).
3. Crave Vesper
Want to take the possibility of orgasming with you everywhere? Then you should probably invest in The Vesper, a vibrating necklace.
It has a small button on the side that activates the vibrations, but otherwise, it's just a piece of jewelry and your little secret.
It's great to keep in your nightstand. Or you can let your partner know what the Vesper is really about, and drive him crazy by wearing it out on date night.
I'm not really a statement piece kind of gal, but I might have to purchase this one myself.
4. The Rabbit Habit Deluxe
I had the Rabbit once, and it is the exact vibrator that I had to throw away.
Listen, it is intense. There's lots of bells and whistles going on here, and there's even a part that looks like a literal rabbit.
But according to their website,
Made famous on Sex and the City the Vibratex Rabbit Habit Deluxe features a lavender shaft that twirls for g-spot stimulation, “pearls” that stimulate the sensitive opening of the vagina, and rabbit ears that flutter along the clitoris.
I trust Sex and the City at all costs!
5. This $15,000 Gold Vibrator
But seriously, on Gwyneth Paltrow's website Goop, she advertises this 24K gold dildo for women who "demand the ultimate luxurious indulgence."
Take it from me: Your pleasure should not be as expensive as a car, and it does not need to be plated in gold. That's not an orgasm — that's capitalism coming at ya, ladies.
But in case you do want to buy it, it goes great with her all-natural yam lube, I guess!
Whether you're going to be alone or with a partner, it's good to have some organic lubricants on hand.
I'm a big believer in natural lubricants. I don't need some mass-produced lube made in a huge factory messing up the delicate PH balance of my vajay, you know?
So when you're looking for lube — just as you would items at the grocery store — the less ingredients, the better.
Do you have a favorite sex toy that you recommend? Let me know in the comment section!
I might have to buy it... or at least get some guy from a dating app to mail it to me.