How To Use Sex To Cope With The Fact That Our Country Is About To Implode

by Candice Jalili

From the looks of the presidential election, it seems like our country is going to shit. And you're freaking out.


You could go to the spa to relax, but that's too expensive.

You could move to a different country, but that's just a lot of work.

You could run for president yourself, but it's a little too late in the game and you're not particularly qualified (not that that seems to matter these days).

With going to the spa, moving to a foreign country and running for office all ruled out, I guess we're only left with one option: pork away the pain.

Yep, you read that correctly. It's time to use some sweet, sweet lovemaking to reverse all the hate that's taking over the political sphere.

How? Well, heed these 15 sex tips to help you ease all of that political angst. Because sometimes, only sex can heal the pain.

1. Use BDSM role playing to take all your anger out on the candidate you hate.

...non-violently, of course.

2. Try the most acrobatic position you can think of.

That way all you have to do is concentrate on you not falling instead of, ya know, the state of our country.

3. Have your partner give you a massage.

It's a much needed remedy to help ease all your tension.

4. Read some erotica to avoid reading the news.

Let your loins burn instead of your ears, amirite?!

5. Wear America-themed lingerie, defiantly take it off your body and throw it across the room.

It's the closest to a sense of victory you'll feel.

6. Eat some strawberries off of your partner's body to avoid eating the bullshit the dumb candidate is trying to feed you.

I promise it'll taste better.

7. Role play as your favorite candidate, and have celebratory sex as if you just won the election.

Might as well have some FUN with this.

8. Fantasize you're having sex on a hotel balcony in Bali.

Or literally anywhere else besides the United States.

9. During foreplay, use your tongue to spell out everything you've been wanting to say to that dumb candidate.

It's a win-win for both of you.

10. Grab your partner by the crotch and tell them it's just "girly sleepover behavior."

Because according to some presidential candidates, that's a totally valid excuse!

11. Lock yourselves in your bedroom for an entire weekend and swap any news-watching for lovemaking.

Fair trade, if you ask me.

12. Have your own email leak and "accidentally" send your partner some dirty Gchats.

It's the only way to pass the time while all your co-workers are blabbering on about the debate.

13. Dress your partner in a shirt supporting your least favorite candidate and rip it off of them.


14. Face your fears and simulate the war you dread our country getting into by having a sexy pillow fight.

Time for some therapeutic FUN.

15. Have a mind-blowing orgasm to release all of that built-up angst.

Because, well, you need it.