So you're having one of those terrible "I need to fart right now" stomachaches, where it feels like lightning is striking various parts of your intestines at different times, and you truly think you might die if this toot doesn't find its way out of your body ASAP.
There are lots of things you could do about this.
You could eat beans. You could take some Gas-X. You could sit on the toilet and cry. You could lie on your bed in the fetal position and also cry. OR you could get your fart out the fun way and bang it out. Like, literally.
I'm saying you should bang someone until your fart comes out.
I know we typically like to talk about sex as this passionate, deeply intimate, sexy, hot, steamy thing, and it really is all of those things. But it's also a great way to get your farts out.
I mean, whether or not you're going to admit it, we've all let out an accidental, mid-coitus toot every now and then. Your body is bending all sorts of different ways, so it's INEVITABLE that you're going to let out some air every now and then.
All I'm saying is, instead of being embarrassed by this side effect of having sex in certain positions, why don't we EMBRACE it? Why don't we purposely have sex in these positions as a means of getting our farts out?!
Who's WITH ME? Well, you're still reading this article, so I'm going to guess you are!
Read along, and educate yourself on the six best sex positions to help get your farts out:
When making this list, this was absolutely the first position that came to my mind. I mean, how are you not going to get your fart out when you're bent over like that?
This position really gives you the opportunity to arch your back and press your stomach down as much as necessary to really bang that fart out!
Your legs wrapped over his shoulders
OMG, your legs are literally PRESSING AGAINST YOUR STOMACH, helping you push that fart out. Plus, as an added bonus, his face is facing yours, so he probably won't even be able to smell it.
Obviously, this position is a little riskier, seeing as your butt is literally in his face, and your fart could very well give him pink eye.
But, again, you're bent over, which makes it PRIME positioning for getting a fart out. Maybe just don't try this one out with someone you actually like.
Missionary, with your legs wrapped around his back
Wrapping your legs around his back will push your pelvis/stomach towards his, really making it ideal for you to push a fart out (and have an orgasm, you know, if that's what you're into).
Missionary, with him pushing your knees back
Kind of similar to the one where you have your knees wrapped around his shoulders, this position will press your butt out a bit more and add some extra pressure on your stomach. This way, you're guaranteed to get those puppies out.
I know this entire article sounded like a joke, but I'm actually, like, half-serious, you guys.
Now, go home and bang those farts out.