Secrets to a Successful Marriage (No, Seriously)

by Anonymous

If you were to approach any random passerby and enlighten them about the heightened divorce rates in today's America, chances are you probably wouldn't make any headlines. In fact, you could probably run out into traffic and scream the stifling statistics from a megaphone without turning any heads.

It's no secret that divorce has become like a middle school blowjob: everybody is getting one, and the couples who can't get divorced because they are married are bloody miserable.

Think about it: you must know at least one married couple that's still having sex and has been together at least ten years. We all have that inspiration couple; the husband and wife we aspire to be after watching our own parent's marriage deteriorate. What still remains a secret is how to keep a successful marriage. If one couple can do it, can't everybody if they come equipped? The answer is yes, and the secret is that there are four simple but crucial keys to that happily-ever-after partnership everybody wants.

Keep Having Sex (and Keep It Fun)

You would think that something as obvious as “keep having sex” wouldn't need to make the list, but the lack thereof is one of the largest contributing factors to a failed marriage. It leads to cheating, self-loathing and the number one sign your marriage is failing: sleeping on the couch. In every relationship there is going to be one partner that is always hornier than the other.

A huge misconception in the bedroom is that once the passion dies, the sex life dies. This simply is not true, because the harsh reality is that sleeping with someone for the thousandth time will not be as thrilling as the first or second. Dying passion is natural but it doesn't mean you have to let your sex life die with it. Release your inhibitions and do whatever it takes. Just because you're forty and stable doesn't mean you can't get it on in the back of his truck with a double-ended dildo and peanut butter in public somewhere.

Probably the number one cause for sex dying in a relationship, however, is hormones. Science shows that while a man's sexual appetite stays in tact from his teenage years until sometimes his 70s, women don't reach their peak until their late twenties and can lose it as early as 45. This is a small window of opportunity for any man who wants his fair share of fun in the bedroom.

My suggestion to women is keep putting it out there. Stop being self-conscious about your aging body and make love to your husband before he gets tired of waiting for you! Don't become disheartened by your creeping urge to just throw on some sweats and call it a night! Whip out those old toys and show your body who's in charge of it's sex life!

Tell Each Other What's On Your Mind

Okay my manly men, I know sharing your feelings with her can be scary. Get over it. Open communication is so vital to a healthy marriage it should be the last piece of advice in this article so that it resonates the most, but it's so freaking important that I'm saying it now. It's a simple concept to grasp: you cannot fix a problem that you don't verbalize.

If you hate the sex and don't say anything, it won't change. The same goes for you too, women! If you want to scream at him for leaving dirty dishes in the sink for the umpteenth time, what's stopping you? Issues that go unspoken lead to pent up frustration and resentment- and before you know it, a fight over whether or not to order general Tso's chicken from China City will turn into a custody battle.

Be honest, be open, and be cognizant of the way you take the truth. A lot of times partners will hide what they feel from each other because they're afraid of how the other person will react. So, instead of freaking out when your wife tells you how she's really feeling, find a constructive way to fix the problem.

Don't Compromise Yourselves

“People do not change” must not be catchy enough, because nobody gets it. By the time you meet that person you are going to want to ride off into the distance with, odds are that you and said individual are pretty set in your ways. A huge mistake couples make when they initially begin dating is hiding their flaws.

Of course if you're a slob or sadly illiterate you're going to try and chew with your mouth closed and let her read the menu in French on your first date, but after that, it's time to embrace your imperfect qualities. What happens too often is that people either pretend they're something they're not, or they pretend the annoying antics of their partner can be fixed. Neither of these is a healthy outlook.

The bottom line is people are going to annoy you no matter what, especially those people you spend the most time with. The best thing for you and your partner is to let it all hang out. If your girl or guy does something that drives you insane and you can't bear to live with it, at least you figured it out before the big day.

Be Realistic

The fourth and final secret to a healthy, fruitful marriage: be realistic. If I had a motto for my life, it would be these two words on an endless repeat cycle. Thanks to in equal parts social media and Hollywood, people have developed these absurdly disgusting ideologies about how relationships are supposed to be. Growing up, everyone is fed all the same bullshit about the prince and the stallion- it's all one giant façade for reality. People fuck up and they do it big.

People suck with money, they cheat on each other, they think and do things that are completely selfish and hurtful, and that six-pack they had when you first started dating will surely turn to flab one day… and so will yours. Everyone is guilty of making mistakes, and they happen every day. The honest, hard truth is that the person you are dating and think the world of is a real person.

There will be countless burdens in any relationship no matter how perfect they may seem because that is the essence of life! We struggle every freaking day, why would it be different with someone else in the picture?

Accepting reality is an enormous part of why being open with your partner is healthy because it gives you a chance to work through the shit together. Relationships are hard work; in fact, relationships are the hardest job you'll ever land. The good news is, however, that with a dose of reality, a good sense of self, an open heart and a little bit of a wild side, the bonuses won't be few or far between.

Keenan | Elite.