Look, babes, it's no secret that I'm a highly sexual creature with an insatiable libido. I've been teeming with irrepressible urges to get it on for as long as I can remember. In fact, I was THAT GIRL growing up.
Oh, you know THAT GIRL? The 11-year-old, pimply girl who finds a Playboy magazine while snooping under her older brother's bed and brings it to school the next day to show all of her tween friends what naked women look like, huddled in the bathroom stall? That was me.
I've been teeming with irrepressible urges to get it on for as long as I can remember.
I was the girl with the rainbow-colored braces and a glow-in-the-dark retainer who stole her older sister's Cosmo magazine, figured out what a blowjob was and told her entire fourth grade class via note passing.
I was the girl in the GAP velvet overalls your parents didn't want you to hang out with because she showed you her live-in nanny's condoms.
That was me, kittens. And if it was you, as well, then you get it. You get what it's like to be an insanely sexual human being who has trouble keeping it in her pants.
Now, don't be ashamed for being a lusty woman — it's really is great thing. I believe having a heightened sex drive is a surefire sign of mental wellness, and I wouldn't dumb down my sexuality for anyone.
But there is ONE problem with being a horn dog, ladies: Sometimes, we just aren't the best at channeling our inner tease goddess.
We just get so EXCITED by naked bodies and supple flesh and moans and textures, and oh my, I'm getting wildly aroused just thinking about it! So, we go in for the kill a little too quickly. Who can blame us? Sex is overwhelming.
There are two key components to being a good lover: being enthusiastic, and being a tease.
It didn't come naturally to me at first, but now that I'm really into it, I love it. There is nothing sexier than driving your partner wild, and I fully believe we all have the power to tap into our inner tease girl sensations.
So, here it is: the highly sexual girl's guide to BEING A TEASE, baby:
Be unavailable AF.
Sexual teasing does not start when the hookup begins, babe. It starts before the first date.
I'm going to give you some good, old fashioned teasing advice right here, right now: Don't be fucking available, girl.
If your date calls you on the phone (because real teases don't respond to text messages) and sweetly inquires if you're free this Saturday night for dinner, I know what's going to happen to you.
You're going to feel all fired up inside; you're going to start having sexy thoughts about hooking up with them and you're going to shout "YAS" before they even finish giving you the address.
Not so fast, horny kitten. Take a deep breath and calmly say, "I'm so sorry, I'm busy that night. What about the middle of next week?"
I know this is going to take a lot of strength, as you're dying to get laid. But if you want to be a tease, you must set up a foundation of unattainability.
If you want to be a tease, you must set up a foundation of unattainability.
This will make them deeply infuriated, but oh so intrigued. "Does she have a date with someone else?" they'll wonder. "What kind of plans does she have already?"
This is when they start to become obsessed with you. Everyone wants what they can't easily have, right away. They'll be thinking, dreaming, fantasizing about your hot body the entire night you were supposed to go out with them, but weren't available.
You're already teasing them with a fantasy, and you haven't even gone out with them yet. You go, girl. Keep playing those mind-fuck games.
Learn to eye sex.
Once you've blown your date off at least twice, you can say finally say a civilized "yes" to the date.
Don't "YAS." It's too thirsty. Keep the "YAS" for your friends. A simple, classy "yes" will do.
And how we can move on to the fun stuff, like ~eye sex~.
Sit across the table from your date, do NOT sit next to them. Because you need to be able to gaze directly into their eyes for the entire dinner. And what you need to do is eye fuck the shit out of them.
"But how do you have EYE SEX, Zara?" I was born to eye sex, so I'm glad you finally asked.
You want to hold their gaze with your eyes — there is something about not averting your eyes away from the person sitting across you that makes them think you're insanely confident (confidence is sex, sex, sex).
But you don't want to have crazy, Joan Crawford bug eyes, either.
Keep your lids soft, and serve your date sultry bedroom eyes. Try and radiate beams of sexual prowess energetically through the whites of your eyes. Trust me, they'll feel it.
Occasionally bat your long, mascara-adorned lashes. Stay connected, even when they're talking about something mundane like the weather.
In fact, turn up the eye sex volume even higher when they're talking about something trivial. This will really throw them, and it's so fun to watch them shake in their shoes as they discuss tomorrow's forecast.
They will be all hot and bothered. If they're boys, they'll have an erection under the table. If they're girls, they will be wet and freaking out.
And that's the idea, honey. The sweatier, more nervous and more of a hot mess they are... the better.
Kiss them passionately, then push them away.
If you're going to be a true tease and create a notorious tease reputation like yours truly, you must learn all about "the kiss and push away."
So, you've had dinner, eye-sexed them until they were rendered breathless and ready rip your clothes off. They deserve a kiss, kitten.
But don't ever make the first move (a tease never makes the first move). If you've followed my instructions thus far, they will.
This is a good exercise for timid dates because they'll have to step up to the plate, so you're really doing them a favor and will make them better lovers in the long run. And it's a good challenge for you, too. I like to go for the most timid person and see how far I can push them until they SNAP and go in for the kill.
PSA: Don't ever make the first move.
So anyway, they'll go in for the kiss and you need to just stand there coldly. Lightly touch their back after a couple of seconds, and allow yourself to get into it. For a minute.
Give them a solid 30 to 60 seconds of the most passionate, hyper-sexual kiss they've ever experienced in their lives. And then, pull away. Maybe even lightly push them away from you.
They'll be flummoxed. They'll be dying inside of sexual depravation. Repeat this step a few times.
Play distraction games.
Now that you've turned them on with your push/pull act, you're going to divert their attention elsewhere. Maybe you suggest you grab another drink at a different bar?
This will drive them crazy, seeing as all they want to do is take you home and have their way with you. But you're not going to give it to them at easily, are you now, babes?
That's what I thought. So, when you're at the bar getting a "nightcap," start asking them non-sex related questions as you continue to eye-sex them.
Make them work hard. They'll be turned on, so it won't be easy for them to talk to you about their boring accounting job. But be sure to put on a big show, acting like it's the most fascinating subject ever.
Confidence is sex, sex, sex.
As you're doing this, take your hand and slowly place it on their kneecap. Don't move it. Just keep it there in total control and stillness. They'll be shaking waiting for you to go further, but don't do it.
Keep firing questions at them. After about 15 minutes, slowly start creeping your hand into their inner thigh. SLOWLY, my horny dear. By the time the bill comes, your hand should be very close to the crotch area, but not actually there.
Part of being a tease is drawing out the crotch touch for as long as possible.
Oh, and part of being a tease IS NOT paying the bill. Just saying.
Don't go home with them, but salaciously make out them in the taxi.
I know, this sounds like prim, virginal, sexist advice, but it's coming from a place of the TEASE, not the patriarchy telling you to not give it all away so quickly. (I'm a lesbian. I don't even hook up with boy creatures, let alone allow them to dictate my actions.)
So, here it is: Don't go home with them. Instead, go to the bathroom spray your entire body down with a super strong fragrance, and make out with them the whole taxi ride.
In fact, take the taxi all the way to their apartment, but once they get out, look them them in the eye and bitchily purr, "Oh, I'm going to go home, I have a big day tomorrow."
Lean in and kiss them again (very sexually), and close with, "but I had a great time." Wink, and then hop in the cab gracefully like the prim princess you are.
They'll be so riled up and so frustrated, but they'll love every second of it. Plus, your scent will stay lingering on their body and make its way onto their BEDSHEETS. And you will never get out of their heads.
And that's the idea.