It's the most wonderful and ~sexiest~ time of the year, baby.
I don't know about you, but for me, something about the cold weather makes me feel undeniably horny.
Maybe it's because I have incredibly sensitive nipples that immediately get hard when the temperature drops below 40 degrees.
Maybe it's because I crave a warm body to help melt my frozen, sunless body.
Maybe I'm just craving a little sweat session. I mean, summer ended months ago. I don't work out. It's been a while since yours truly had a good sweat.
The other day, I was thinking about all the holiday sex I plan on having this year. It's been a pretty epic year, and I want to go out with a BANG, if you know what I mean.
I want to get creative with my sex this holiday season, too. I'm wildly creative with my holiday home decor, so why shouldn't I be wildly creative when it comes to my favorite activity of all: salacious sex?
I decided the other day it was time to come up with some holiday sex positions. I only sleep with girls, but I specifically designed all seven of these to work for people of all sexual orientations (because I'm a selfless woman deeply committed to bettering the sex lives of all living people and things).
PSA, lesbo ladies: You can substitute a real dick with a strap-on or your fab fingers for all of these.
So here are seven holiday-inspired sex positions to make your holiday SEXY AF:
1. Reindeer Style
Reindeer style is just like doggy style, only so much more festive. If you're really freaky, you can even put one of those kinky, antler headbands on to get in the spirit.
2. The Claus's Caress
Put on those slutty Santa costumes you've always secretly wanted to wear and get to it.
This is a great position in which you sit on Santa's lap like an excited, "had a little too much eggnog" Mrs. Claus. (Because I feel like the Claus' are very traditional and probably not so adventurous in the bedroom.)
3. Santa's "Little Helper"
This year, Santa's little helper is Santa's little sex toy.
Look, guys, when you're a kid, it's the season for toys. When you're a grown-up, it's the season for SEX TOYS.
4. Cozy Spoon Sex By The Fireplace
Nothing in this world is better than cozy spoon sex by the fireplace when, baby, it's cold outside. It's snowing, you're spooning anyway, things just escalated and, now, you're having full-on SEX.
5. Stocking Stuffer
This is just when you have really incredible, spine-tingling, mind-blowing oral sex with knee-high, kinky, Christmas socks on.
6. Candle Wax Sex
This is when you take some candles (but not from your Menorah, you sacrilegious, sinful freak) and pour the hot wax all over your lover's body. (Just stay safe, babes, and abort if the action gets literally too hot.)
7. Naughty Spin The Dreidel
Spin the dreidel with your partner, only in this version of the game, the loser has to remove an article of clothing. Then, just keep playing until you're both in the nude, and then you'll realize there really are no "losers" here!
Happy Ho-Ho-Hot Holidays!