On Friday night, I met a beautiful, dark-skinned goddess at a cocktail bar in Venice Beach while delivering a piece of art to a tech executive. The goddess was hammered by the time I got there; she was visibly bored, as she poked at the olives in her dirty martini. For this story, let’s call her Naomi.
Naomi was only a few inches taller than me, but her frizzy hair that extended toward the ceiling made her tower over me. It would have been a glorious sight walking down the red carpet, I thought. I knew I was in love the moment I heard her introduce herself in a thick Caribbean accent.
"Hi Matty. I heard about what you are doing with the art thing. Naomi is what my friends call me," she said rhythmically with her voluptuous shiny lips, smiling to show off her perfect set of teeth. I was hooked. No matter what, I would have her.
After locking eyes and talking softly about our preferences for food, adventure and sex, however, I knew it would never work out between us. See, a very wise, older woman I dated for a few months a few years ago told me that the search for a soul mate is simple.
She said that simply having a discussion about preferences for food, adventure and sex on the first date would eliminate wasted time.
I didn’t get it at first, but after discussing this with my cougar lover, we decided we weren't soul mates, but we could have a lot of fun for a little while. So, we did. Since then, I have used the Food/Adventure/Sex method when meeting new potential mates, and it has yielded fascinating results.
I can’t claim that I’ve found a soul mate yet, but I've observed that these three factors drive compatibility more than all other factors combined. Each is deeply rooted in preference, and some differences in preference are irreconcilable and a good signal to keep looking right away.
A discussion of these preferences on a first date can save would-be exes time and heartache.
First, let’s talk about food.
It seems that most first dates have something to do with food or beverage. When I met my island goddess on Friday, the first question I asked her was about food.
Fascinating! Now I know I can’t take her to a steak house or sushi bar. Or, if I were to bring her to a friend’s house for a dinner party, she would make a fuss, unless it was that one farmer friend of mine.
Honestly, this food fact about Naomi was almost a non-starter for me. I mean, it could be worse. She could be one of those gluten-free-vegan people who insists on eating out and making a fuss with every order. That really annoys me. Naomi seemed nice enough, so I moved on.
Now, let’s talk about adventure.
Maybe your second date is a visit to the flea market to look for vintage treasures. Maybe it's a ride on a motorcycle up the coast to a friend’s beach house for a swim or a visit to a nightclub for bottle service.
The thing is, free time is limited, so how you desire to spend it is important when it comes to creating a successful and fulfilling partnership with another person. After Naomi and I finished talking about food, I dropped the question, “Have you ever been skydiving?”
“Oh, hell no,” she quickly replied with a smile. So, I guess my desire to drive fast, explore the jungle and jump out of planes is off the menu. Bummer. I asked a follow-up question: “Do you like camping?”
Okay, so she is into roughing it and is also clearly sophisticated. Portofino is a yacht destination off the coast of Italy. Things are looking up!
We keep talking about our adventure preferences, and I learn that she really is okay with most of the adventurous things I'm interested in doing, but ironically, she just has no desire to go sky diving. So, this might work out, as long as I become a chicken farmer and don’t make her jump of out a plane.
When talking to a prospective partner about adventure, I found that it is important to learn about the range of activities in which he or she is interested. Oh, and ask a variety of questions.
This gives you both a chance to show off your storytelling skills and share some of your personality with the other. Without a discussion of adventure, you may spend a few dates talking about politics and religion, and end up having a really awkward moment when it comes time to talk about going on a weekend trip.
Finally, sex. Let’s talk about sex.
I know it is taboo to talk about sex openly on a first date, but it is so, so important. What happens if you are a nymphomaniac and the person with whom you are falling in love only likes it missionary, once a month?
A person’s understanding of sex and his or her willingness to talk about it is a key factor in forming a successful partnership. Some people are afraid to talk about it, which is okay for some, but for others, that hesitation can create all sorts of problems down the road.
“When is the last time you’ve had an amazing orgasm?” I asked. She smiled and thought for a bit. I was visibly excited to hear her answer. She took a big sip to finish her martini and let out,
Pause. Then she shared, “I think I had an orgasm three years ago with my boyfriend of six years. I haven’t really figured it out on my own just yet. It’s so personal, you know? Next question please…” She looked at me awkwardly as I smiled back and took a big sip of my own drink.
“Check, please,” I motioned to the bartender.
Okay, so now I knew she didn't masturbate, or at least she didn’t feel comfortable talking about it. If that is the case, how am I supposed to talk about poop and farts and periods and all of the other stuff that makes us human?
I am glad I asked; otherwise, I would have spent weeks wooing her only to find out she wouldn’t vibe with my openness toward sex and my hatred for cuddling all night.
Anyway, it didn’t work out with Naomi, but I am still hopeful that I will find a partner who will make me a better person and who will grow old with me. Until then, I will just keep talking about food, adventure and sex.
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Photo Courtesy: We Heart It