How To Escape A Bad Date

by Samantha Surface

We’ve all asked ourselves at least once before: how the hell am I going to get out of this date?  In some cases, we are forced to make split second decisions or sometimes to react to an awkward situation. 

If strategies and proper intelligence are necessary for football teams to win the Super Bowl or armies to win battles, we need to go into dates with the proper game plan. As the saying goes, all is fair in love and war.

First thing’s first, make sure your girlfriends, especially those within striking range, know all the basics of the date: who, what, when, where, why, how. If the troops need to be called in, they need to know the plan of attack in order to properly encroach upon the enemy.

In order to execute this mission stealthily, excuse yourself to the powder room, send your partners in crime the SOS message via text, phone call or tweet and tell them to get the rally gear and charge. Once they arrive, tell your date how funny it is that your friends are drinking away at the bar and that it’s absolutely vital to join in on the fun. He should get the hint, but men are simple creatures.

If you need to go straight for the jugular, and you don’t have time for torture tactics, say one of your friends texted you because she just got dumped, found naked pictures of another girl (or guy) on her boyfriend’s phone -- or any other type of wine-drinking, Taylor Swift singing, emergency.  It’s an old trick, but it wouldn’t be relevant if it did not have some victories to boast.

Does the idea of sitting through another, “I’m so bro,” story make you anxious and want to throw something?  Go ahead and throw your drink on yourself, he won’t know that the vodka cranberry stain on your dress is more aesthetically pleasing to you than his whole appearance.  Love is a battlefield, and sometimes you have to get some scratches along the way in order to come out alive.  Battle wounds just give the story more life anyway.

Anticipation and planning for the next move can help your current struggle. Simply mention to your date how he would be great for your friend, who cares if you only correspond with her via social networking. You thought she looked hot on Instagram or the new selfie she posted on Twitter. Preparation is key in claiming victory, even if you’re prepping him for his next date.

If the battle starts to get nauseating, then it’s the perfect time to play sick. Say you have an allergy to the food he’s consuming, his cologne, face or all of the above -- or simply say you’re stomach doesn’t feel right.  He can’t fault you for not wanting to puke all over the place or in front of him.

If you tried the nauseated plan, go to the bathroom, wait for a few minutes, then hurry out and say it’s best you head back to your safe haven, meaning your apartment (or your friend’s couch with a glass of wine in hand).  Fake pain doesn’t exist, but pride is forever.

Maybe you don’t see yourself throwing on his Ralph Lauren button-down the next morning, but you actually don’t mind his company, then that’s when you hold him in the Friend Zone. Tell him you think he’s great and that this friendship could be a great addition to your life.

You can give each other proper intel in regards to the opposite sex before entering the next war zone. He should figure out from those hints that he won’t see you naked, or even in your lacy panties. If he doesn’t agree with your tactics, then there really is no love lost. This would probably be the battle with the least amount of casualties.

Battle cries exist for a reason; utilize your girlfriends, allergies or matchmaking skills to escape without too many scars.  If split-second decision-making is not your strong suit, then outline a strategy before walking into new territory. As Rick Ross said, “Stay Schemin” because you’ve got conquests in your future.

Samantha Surface | Elite.