"Hi, my name is Rosebud, and I'm a loud sneezer."
Actually, calling myself a loud sneezer is a gross understatement. My sneezes are earth-shattering.
They are as forceful as an oncoming train, and they are. not. cute.
My sneezes have ruined first dates, sincere moments of connection and quiet morning commutes with strangers.
I've worked my entire life to make my sneeze sound like a Chihuahua's squeak toy. I've tried for years to match the sensation of that cute little tickle in my nose to the Shrek-like sound that comes out when I feel it.
Unfortunately, my sneezes resemble the sounds of a wild animal attack.
I can't hide them because I might shatter my ribcage just trying to.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot make my sneezes sound like an angel whispering into a kazoo, which is what I imagine Beyoncé's sneezes sound like.
And now that it's cold and flu season, I can't really avoid them.
But as it turns out, science says that's OK. Because people who sneeze hard, LIVE hard.
A few years back, Dr. Alan Hirsch, a neurologist from the Smell and Taste Research Foundation in Chicago explained a sneeze is representative of our underlying personality or character structure.
He continued, saying,
Thanks, doc. Now I can give into my loud-ass sneezes the same way I give into my loud-ass orgasms, and I can proudly sound off at the volume of a mortar fire.
I can straight-up demolish the place, and if anyone complains or even tries to shame me, I can tell them they're just jealous they haven't experienced the sweet ecstasy of a nasal climax.
So, when you get that sneeze attack in the middle of the day at your desk and you disrupt the whole office, just know it only reflects well on your sex life.