11 Classic Romantic Movies That Actually Suck

One of the pitfalls of dating girls is being forced to watch stupid romantic movies.

During this mating ritual, you are also prevented from pointing out any ridiculous plot holes, like the fact that Mr. Big is never coming back (well, he did come back, but still) or that Jaws was just a really lonely fish.

We are now single, so the jig is up.

So without further ado, here is what we really think of your stupid movies, ladies.

Beauty and the Beast

This is the only fairytale in which having the courage to save the love of your life – and an entire bloody town – from the clutches of an evil beast leaves one cast as the villain. For his bravery, poor lovesick Gaston falls to his untimely death, while old Beasty goes on to bang his Stockholm-Syndrome afflicted girl.

This is also the only Disney movie title that directly translates into a porno flick title.

P.S. I Love You

The society in which we live deems "double texting" someone to be weird, yet stalking your ex from the grave with a series of creepy notes is celebrated as some incredibly romantic gesture.

It is, however, a very clever way to get around a restraining order.

Cinderella

A petulant teenager refuses to stay home and do chores and goes out drinking instead. She makes outlandish claims of fairy godmothers appearing and pumpkins turning into coaches – clearly, she’s either a compulsive liar or on acid. She drinks too much and loses her shoe whilst trying to bang the richest dude at the dance. Somehow, she’s the only girl in the entire kingdom with this particular shoe size, which means she must have had hobbit-like feet.

Then comes the snap wedding, most likely as a result of a teen pregnancy.

Transformers

This one’s a testament to the fact that if you have a really cool car, you can score a hot girl. Seriously, there is no universe in which Shia LeBouf lands Megan Fox without having a transforming space alien robot car.

It’s why we all want to be Batman.

Romeo and Juliet

Two horny teenagers have a fling that lasts for barely a week and results in half a dozen or so deaths — not to mention, Juliet was 13 and Romeo was 17.

It was hated by teenagers who were forced to study it — that is until Baz Lurhmann came along and created a version with rap music and DiCaprio.

Pretty Woman

Did it bother anyone else that Julia Roberts never gave back any of the money that Richard Gere paid her? Also, why was there no mention of a pre-nuptial agreement? Not like a prostitute would only be after money or anything…

Dirty Dancing

There is only one thing worse than some dancing pansy who comes along and deflowers your daughter: a middle-aged dancing pansy with a mullet who comes along to deflower your daughter.

Patrick Swayze calling his love interest "baby" is, however, ironically appropriate.

Top Gun

We know why men love this movie: Planes. Explosions. Speed. Shirtless guys. Beach volleyball. Towels. Steamy showers. Tom Cruise.

It's not homoerotic, okay? Okay.

Titanic

It’s a romantic story for women and a horror story for men. Why? Well, every damned guy in the movie dies. Of course, Kate Winslet has a great time. She cheats on her fiancé then refuses to move over on her pretty big wooden life raft. Because, you know, that wouldn’t be so comfy.

In the end, she scores a piece of jewelry that could wipe out world poverty, but instead of say, buying a Lamborghini, she throws it into the ocean. As we said, it’s a horror story.

Terminator 2

Guns, explosions and averting the destruction of humanity aside, this movie really is about a slightly inappropriate relationship between an aging robot and an adolescent boy.

We’ll also admit that Arnold’s death at the end left us crying and navigating weird feelings. But everyone felt this way, right?

The Notebook

In the performance of his life, Ryan Gosling channels a brain-dead creep who follows a young girl around until she gives it up in an abandoned house. Gosling, who seemingly can’t form coherent sentences, somehow manages to build an entire house. Inexplicably, the ditzy girl blows off the handsome rich dude to go and live with the dumb carpenter, despite the fact that the house is in the middle of nowhere (and there is absolutely no chance of getting cable and/or Internet).

And who the hell were the old people in that movie? Why did they keep cutting to the retirement home for no reason? If we wanted to watch old people get it on, we would tune in to the “Sex and the City” marathon.

Wait a minute.

The old people were the...

They were the same —

Then they died, that is so sad!

Oh my God, what a great movie...

Written by the authors of "He’s an Asshole Anyway – How to deal with being dumped according to the assholes themselves." Available on iTunes and Amazon

Photo credit: Titanic