I don't know about you, but when I get hitched, I plan on getting my husband back to my hotel room and riding that dick until sunrise. I mean, I will be MARRIED. I'm going to want to have sex, you know?
But get this, more than half of couples (52 percent, to be exact) don't have sex on their wedding nights. They get too drunk, are too stressed or too tired after a long day and night of partying with family and friends.
It makes sense. Weddings are more than just a celebration; they are exhausting. I don't understand it, and I certainly don't want that, but it makes sense.
But I have the answers. Getting laid is no laughing matter. It is serious, OK?
I have a master plan to get you from ceremony, to reception, to orgasm. I have made the ultimate guide to actually having sex with your partner on your wedding night.
You didn't walk down that aisle not to get laid, after all.
1. Keep the lingerie simple.
If you want to get that sweet, married D, you might want to forego the corset your sister will have to spend 45 minutes lacing you into the morning of your nuptials.
Instead, stick to something simple. You'll look just as bomb in a white lace bra and panties as the complicated bombshell thing with all the buttons. Besides, your husband will only see your underthings for four seconds before he rips them off of you, unless you get to too drunk.
Which brings me to point two…
2. Don't get wasted.
I get it. You're married. That's great. It's exciting. You want to have champagne and dance on tables. But seriously, if you want to fuck on your wedding night, leave the dancing to your Aunt Susan who always shows her tits to a waiter and takes off her wig at family parties.
The truth is, nobody likes a drunken bride and groom. It is so very trashy. In fact, if you can avoid drinking at all, that would be ideal. But definitely limit it to a few, well-paced glasses of champagne. You don't want to black out on your wedding night and wake up facedown on the hotel bed with your dress still on.
That shit is v tragic.
3. Whisper sexy things in your hubby's ear all night.
Aside from keeping your new hubs away from the shots, you want to remind him you expect coitus later. Put sex at the forefront of his mind. Men need reminding. It's not their fault. They're just dumb.
Be sure to let your husband know you want to go to Pound Town after you've danced all night. During your slow dances, let him know you're going to suck him off like there's a drought later tonight.
It's sexy because all your guests will think you're just whispering sweet nothings, but your nothings are actually really, really dirty.
4. HYDRATE, HYDRATE, HYDRATE.
Drink a shitload of water. You have to. You have GOT TO. One of the main reasons for not having sex on your wedding night is exhaustion. You have to be sure you're doing absolutely everything to keep your energy levels up throughout the day.
This means staying hydrated. If you're drinking, have two glasses of water between cocktails. Don't let the stress catch up with you and ruin your chances of getting ass.
5. Keep your hubby away from your parents.
You know what kills boners? Hanging out with your in-laws. Don't let your mother smother your husband too much or you'll never get laid later.
Don't get me wrong, your mom is a bomb lady, but when she's already started asking about grandchildren before the second course of your prepaid meal, that's a bit much for anyone.
This is one practice you'll basically need for your entire life: saving your husband from unwanted interactions with your mom.
6. Travel the next afternoon.
Do not plan to leave for honeymoon until the afternoon after your wedding. You will NOT have sex if you're getting on a plane at 1 am after a long night of hard partying. Likewise, if you plan an early morning takeoff, you'll be forced to hit the sack the minute you get back to your hotel room.
An afternoon flight facilitates a long night of passionate lovemaking (or kinky BDSM, whatever you're into).
You deserve it, mama. You are married AF now. Get that D!
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