We always get this extremely prophetic relationship advice. Hell, I write the advice, AND I read the advice.
So we take it all in. We absorb it. We devour it. But what are we really taking away from it? What are the lessons?
The truths are there, but they are hard to wring out of the generalizations. My guess is they're too abstract. I don't know what anyone is talking about when he or she tells me not to say “but,” and I have no clue what saying "me" instead of "we" means.
I need hard, concrete advice.
What should I seriously NOT say to ruin my own life? What the actual f*ck?
We all pretty much know there are things we just don't say to our SOs if we want to A) stay in our relationship and B) have sex in our relationship.
What we NEED, however, is a definitive list. We need a simple guide to keeping our relationships healthy, our orifices filled on a nightly basis and our partners happy and ~chill~.
Here it is: Every damn sentence that can (and will) ruin your relationship. You're welcome.
1. “Your ass looks big in those jeans.”
Saying anything potentially rude about your SO's body is going to result in unleashing the ~crazy~.
2. “I don't care.”
If you care, don't say you don't care and then get mad when your partner believes you.
3. “We need to talk.”
4. “I'm fine.”
You're not fine, so stop lying. It's not attractive, and it certainly does not work.
5. “It doesn't matter.”
It does matter. You're just fishing.
6. “Your friend is really hot.”
Do you have a death wish? Seriously?
7. “You don't need to drink.”
Oh, really? F*ck off.
8. “I'm too tired tonight.”
If you are too tired, you can be on the bottom, like a starfish. But you're not too tried. You've been sitting at a desk all day.
9. “You're overreacting.”
*Lasers shoots from eyes*.
10. “I love [insert literally anything] more than you.”
“I love alcohol more than you.” --thing my friend's ex literally said to her.
11. “You're so much prettier when you smile.”
Never tell people how to wear their face.
You may as well just say, “Fuck you.”
13. “Are you sure you want to eat that?”
NEVER COMMENT ON WHAT YOUR PARTNER IS EATING.
This will surely result in a HUGE fight and absolutely zero “relaxing.”
15. “We just hung out yesterday!”
Sometimes your SO is going to be needy, and you just have to deal with that to make him or her more secure.
16. “You sound just like your mother.”
Again, do you want to die?
17. “You have so many feelings.”
If you don't encourage your partner's emotions, you're going to drive him or her away.
18. “You're being crazy.”
You can't just drop the C-word because your partner is doing something you don't like.
19. “I told you so.”
Look, you probably did, but you best be keeping that truth to yourself.
20. “I don't believe you.”
If you can't trust your partner, you probably shouldn't be dating.
21. “I want to break up!”
If you're going to throw this one out there during every argument, you better believe it will come back to you eventually. And your partner won't be bluffing.
22. “Let's split the bill.”
Obviously, splitting the bill is no big deal. But there is still something so off-putting about this sentence. It should be something that is established beforehand -- not addressed over dessert.
23. When you do anything and then bring it up later: “I did [insert thing] for you!”
If you do something thoughtful and kind for your partner, you're not allowed to bring it up later as a sort of favor you'd now like to cash in on. That's not how relationships work.
If your partner starts to think you'll do something only to get something else in return, you'll destroy your relationship.
24. “Oh, really? YOU'RE tired from work?”
Saying anything belittling about your partner's career is the kiss of death. If you chose a career that you hate, and it exhausts you... well, that's your fault.
25. “Why do you always have to go out?”
Constantly trying to tie your partner down is not going to change him or her. If your SO likes to go out, that's probably just who he or she is.
26. “I want to go chill with my friends.”
... When you two had plans.
You'll probably hear “Do whatever you want,” which means “Stay here with me, or we are going to have a SERIOUS problem.”
27. “Sometimes I wish you would act more like the person I fell in love with.”
Insinuating that your partner has changed for the worse is a foot on the edge of the rabbit hole. If this is something you're saying in your relationship, you should reevaluate.
28. “If you loved me, you would…”
You don't get to pull this sh*t in a relationship. It doesn't fly. Your partner is not going to do something he or she is uncomfortable with just to show you that you're loved.
If you're constantly asking for validation like this from your partner, you're f*cking things up.
29. Anything AT ALL about your ex.
"My ex used to..."
"My ex and me..."
Just don't talk about your ex. Your ex is dead now. There is only your NEW relationship. That is all.
30. “I'm a huge Nickelback fan.”