If You're Selfish In The Bedroom, You're Selfish In Your Relationship

by Zara Barrie

It is one of my deepest wishes for no girl to ever have to experience sex with a selfish lover.

It's f*cking laborious (and often traumatic), and far too many of us have suffered through it. It's precisely everything sex should not be.

Contrary to how society might attempt to make us girls feel -- SEX is a two-way street.

It's a collaborative effort. It involves dual participation. Most importantly, it's as much for our own pleasure as it is for our partner's.

Okay, so let's say we meet someone new. Someone we're actually teeming with excitement and longing for.

And we're considering crossing into the exclusive "relationship zone" with this gorgeous, cunning new specimen.

So naturally, in hopes of reaffirming how much we DO indeed fancy this hot little entity, we have sex with him or her.

Only to discover this person is far more concerned with getting him or herself off than getting us off.

Girls, I'm telling you to RUN.

I don't care how beautifully stunning, hyper-intelligent or mega-successful these people are; if they aren't interested in making us hot and are only focused on their own enjoyment, it's time to RUN away faster than a wild cat soars across the great expanse of the desert in the heat of a midsummer's night.

Allow me to share this precious gem that I've learned after repeating the same mistake again, and again and again throughout my early 20s: If my partner isn't stimulating me sexually, my partner doesn't stand a chance at stimulating me intellectually.

Because a person who is greedy between the sheets might as well be draped in a massive, ever-shining, red f*cking flag.

A person who only cares about pleasing his or herself during sex isn't going to care at ALL about pleasing me in a long-term, committed relationship.

This breed of person is usually smart. He or she will make a big show of dutifully trying to fool us at first, but trust me, girls: It's only a matter of time before we realize all of whom are selfish in the bedroom are selfish in LIFE...

If you only take during sex, you won't give your all in a relationship.

The reason it's so important to take into account how a person behaves in the bedroom is because it's only during the act of sex that we're able to get a glimpse into the raw, animalistic version of who a person really is.

You can't hide your true nature when you're having sex. There are no comforting masks of pretty words or nice clothes or college degrees when you're bare in the flesh, twisted between sweaty sheets.

The authentic beast will get released, whether we like it or not.

So if someone only takes during sex, it's a bird's-eye view into how he or she will function in a relationship.

If you don't value my pleasure, you don't value my happiness.

I don't know about you, but I love nothing more than to make my partner feel f*cking good. In every way possible.

If I'm into you, I want nothing more than to ignite your sexual fire, bring you into the heat of impenetrable desire and make you feel better than you've ever felt in your entire life.

And I won't stop until I achieve that goal.

Because I want to make the person I care about unabashedly happy.

And if you don't value my sexual pleasure as much as I value yours, we are two very different people who have no business being in a relationship.

If you're too tired to tie me up, you will never tie me down.

Sex is about experimenting. It's about trusting someone enough to let your freak flag fly.

It's about feeling safe with your partner, so safe that you are free to play out all the twisted fantasies that have been tugging at the crux of your dirty mind for years.

If you just want to get the sexual deed done quickly and selfishly -- you're boring. You've lost your lust for life.

Your lack of adventurous prowess in the bedroom will reflect on how boring and vanilla your life is.

I don't like being shackled to routine. I won't be tied down to someone who doesn't have enough pepper in his or her personality to tie me up in bed.

If you don't have foreplay, you don't have an end game.

I'm so not about this rapid-fire, “wham, bam, thank you, ma'am” garble.

Girls need to be warmed up or else we turn cold (truth: I won't warm up to you if you don't warm my body up first).

If you don't let me finish, you don't have any follow through.

What's the ultimate intention of sex? Reaching that mind-blowing, breath-taking, heart-rate-increasing orgasm, of course.

If you're going to give up on sex the moment you finish, without a care in the world about me finishing, how can I expect you to be there for me when the going gets rough?

If you don't go down on me, you will never be down with me.

It has come to my attention that certain people are afraid to venture downtown. They prefer to live their lives in the safety and comforts of uptown.

Lezbehonest: If you're afraid to go down on a woman, you're simply afraid of women. And if that's the case, you are sort of a spineless loser. And I don't date spineless losers.

If you push me down, you will never lift me up.

I can't think of anything ruder or more terribly off-putting than a person who has the audacity to push your head into the body parts he or she wants you to taste.

It shows you not only have an inherent lack of respect for who I am, but you also have a lack of trust that I will come through for you on my own.

I don't want to be with someone who pushes me down -- I want to be with the person who lifts me up.

If you don't know how to get me off, you will never get me.

In order to fully satisfy a woman in the bedroom, you must understand her. You must know what ignites her fire and what blows it out.

If you don't know how to get me off, most likely you don't understand who I am. And what's the point of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't get me?

If you don't know how to touch my body, you will never touch my heart.

To be touched is to be vulnerable. If you don't know how to touch me in a way that pleases me, how will you ever understand the complexities of my fragile heart?

If you give up on my orgasm, you're going to give up on our relationship.

Okay, I will admit it: Us girls can take our sweet time reaching our sexual peak.

You can't just expect it to just magically happen in two minutes. We need to be teased and tantalized.

You need to listen to the secret language of our bodies.

If you're going to give up on my orgasm, surely you're going to give up on me. How can I trust you to not to give up on me when life throws me difficult times if you're so quick to give up in bed?

If you can't make me come, I'm just going to leave.

While sex certainly isn't everything in a relationship, it's a HUGE, looming part of it. It's the very thing that separates friends from lovers.

If we don't share that electric, hot chemistry, and if you don't care about blowing my sexual mind -- what's the f*cking point?