One of the things people forget is first dates are really, really nerve-racking.
Since we're all so on edge while simultaneously trying to act really put-together and sane, accidents are bound to occur.
Therefore, there is no way you can get away with however many hundreds of first dates you go on without saying something (or hearing something) completely ridiculous.
Inevitably, you will end up on one of those first encounters that dutifully end up being the last.
There are a few red flags to watch for when out on a first date, as well as to keep in mind so as not to accidentally find yourself the culprit.
Just remember: Everyone in the whole damn world is a weirdo. We're just trying to find a fellow, kindred freak to get through life with us.
Yeah, some of us are weirder than others but, hey.
Here are 13 sentences that will immediately ruin a first date:
1. “That reminds me of something my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend used to do.”
Mentioning an ex on a first date is the kiss of death.
When we're just getting to know someone, the last thing any of us want to think about is that there was someone before us.
Sure, we're aware the guy or girl we're out with isn't a virgin, and this clearly isn't his or her first dating rodeo, but on a first date, it's nice to pretend this is a fresh start and the only thing our date has on his or her mind is us.
Mentioning an ex gets the cogs turning. It makes us wonder if maybe this person is not quite over his or her ex.
It makes us question if we're actually just a rebound and this whole thing is meaningless to our date.
No one wants to feel like someone's crutch after an emotional breakup.
2. “Let's get shots of tequila.”
Nothing will make you sound less emotionally stable than ordering shots on a first date, negative points if it's tequila.
First dates aren't supposed to be about blacking out; they're supposed to be about getting to know someone.
If you're suggesting throwing back shooters, you're making yourself look immature and taking yourself off the roster of “boyfriend or girlfriend material.”
It's impossible to take someone seriously when he or she needs to consume a ton of alcohol just to feel comfortable enough to have fun.
3. “My mom says…” or “I don't try new things until I call my mom first.”
Any mention of your mother on a date is a deal breaker. People don't want to f*ck a mama's boy or girl.
You should be your own person, not a child who needs his or her mommy's approval before doing anything.
It's OK to have a close relationship with your mom. That's actually a plus.
A good relationship with your parents shows you're healthy and grounded. It's when you take it overboard that it becomes an issue.
4. “According to (insert arbitrary study)...”
Trying to pass off your pseudo-intellectual BS in an attempt to sound educated will only make you look like an assh*le.
There is a difference between being well-read and just being plain old pretentious.
Quoting some lame, inconsequential, likely biased scientific research does not make you look smart; it makes you look like a dick, especially if you're lamely attempting to derail an argument we just put forth. It isn't cute.
5. “Oh, I saw that on your Instagram.”
…And it was on your Instagram from two years ago. Of course, we all social media stalk before a first date; it's just a norm.
Just don't admit you social media stalked your date. Don't drop weird facts about his or her life that weren't volunteered to you.
It doesn't make you sound interested and intriguing; it makes you sound like a sick puppy that is a little bit pathetic and very socially awkward.
The worst is when we're on a date, this happens and the other person has no idea how weird and creepy he or she sounds. Ick.
6. “You got this?”
Asking “You got this?” in reference to the check, without so much as a suggestion to split the check is a surefire way to assure this is not only your first date but your last.
Whether male or female, it is never OK to assume the other person is paying, let alone asking it outright.
If you're on a date with a man or woman, and he or she offers to pay, that's all right.
It's first-date etiquette for the asker to pay for the askee, but just blatantly saying he or she should pay is tacky and classless.
7. “Wow, that's really expensive.”
Any judgment whatsoever on a food order is unacceptable. Even if it's just a wide-eyed expression when your date orders the steak, you're asking to never be called again.
Being cheap is easily one of the most unattractive qualities one can have on a date and in life.
If you can't afford to take someone out, why did you even ask him or her out in the first place?
Plus, a first date is a big date. It's a time to splurge. Don't make your date feel uncomfortable for ordering what he or she wants.
9. “What's your stance on having children?”
If you're bringing up children on a first date, you're crossing too many lines to count.
You'll scare away any guy or girl faster than if you put a spider down his or her shirt.
No one wants to talk about potentially procreating with you when he or she just ordered an appetizer. Have some common sense.
10. “When I was at Harvard…”
If you went to an Ivy League, good for you. Dropping that fact a bunch of times makes you look like a pathetic assh*le who is clearly hiding behind something.
Don't act all high and mighty just because you went to a good school.
There are plenty of dumb people who hold fancy degrees. Have faith in your intelligence, not your credentials.
11. “Are we using a condom, or are you pro-choice?”
Trying to talk about anything to do with politics is only going to end up leaving a bad taste in both of your mouths.
Those types of discussions are best left for a later date.
Sure, it's good to know where your date stands on important issues, especially if you feel passionate about them, but be sure you're climbing those mountains when you get to them.
12. “Let's take a selfie.”
No. Let's not take a selfie. I don't even know you. Also, don't you dare take a picture of your food for Instagram.
13. “Would you be into anal?”
I feel like this one is a no-brainer, but let's cover all of our bases anyway.
It is never OK to ask overtly sexual questions or to make conspicuous sexual statements on a first date.
You're not being funny or playful; you're being a grade A creep. Keep your weird thoughts to yourself and conduct yourself with dignity.
No one wants to know you'd like to put a spice grinder up your butthole when you're still deciding if you should split a dessert.