16 Smart-Ass Responses When Your Parents Ask Why You Aren't Married Yet
If there's one thing you can count on your parents for, it's to remind you of your marital status. It’s not just holidays you have to fear anymore.
Regardless, if you’re seeing someone or not (and actually, it’s more likely to occur when you are), your parents want to know when you’ve set "The Date."
Maybe they don’t understand, coming from the Baby Boomer Generation, that there are far fewer available (let alone desirable) people to choose from these days.
Maybe they just don’t appreciate still having their little precious darling all to themselves anymore (and, let’s be real, it’s not like you’ve been so little and precious, either). Or maybe they just want to see you happy and settled.
Your parents have the best intentions for sure, but sometimes there is a disconnect between what they want and what you want (for a refresher, it’s 2015 guys).
We’re sick of being constantly bombarded by one lousy question. It’s just like finding a partner, Mom: when you stop looking for it, it usually happens.
Mom, Dad, we love you, but we don’t love your nagging.
Here are 16 smart-ass responses for when your parents ask you why you aren’t married yet. Feel free to sprinkle them all throughout the upcoming holiday season.
1. “Because Mr. Right is a lot more work than swiping right”
Technology makes it way too easy to date 10 people at once. At least, in the end, we’ll have no doubts that he or she is The One.
2. “Because you two have set a terrible example”
Oooh, burn. Maybe don’t say this one in front of Grandma.
3. “Because I have a hard enough time committing to what I want for dinner”
The thought of spending the rest of your life with one spouse is particularly frightening when you’re the type of person who can’t sit through an entire movie.
What if you change your mind last minute, like when you backed out of your Early Decision to attend UPenn?
4. “Because I’m already sharing my Netflix password with three people”
You’re just really spread way too thin right now.
5. “Because I would rather have a dog”
A dog is loyal, unconditionally lovable and always down for a good bone. And if you happen to get into a fight, there is no question that you are right.
6. "Because I prefer depending on you guys than an actual guy"
Your parents support you until the end, whereas your spouse supports you until the end of your marriage.
7. “Because how will I explain my adult bunk beds?”
Or my need for alone time to run around the house naked belting Rihanna songs? Or my ridiculously childish Spiderman fetish? Or my child-sized toothbrush? Get back to me in five years, Mom and Dad.
8. “Because I’m married to my phone”
You and your boo, Siri, are in a very sirious relationship. Haven’t you seen “Her”? It’s like that, but more meaningful.
9. “Because I can’t even maintain myself let alone a relationship"
I am way too temperamental to even consider bringing this on to someone else (yeah, like the Destiny’s Child lyric). I can barely control myself -- how could I steer a relationship?
10. “Because I’m focused on taking the next step with my job, not my relationship status”
It’s not a bad thing to favor your career over your love life. In order to do either to the fullest, you have to be devoted to it the majority of your time.
11. “Because I like reality television way too much, and I know how this ends"
...Never well. No couples ever last forever on the “Real Housewives.” Even the marriage counseling shows are failures. Just take one look at the Kardashians.
12. “Because I’m too dedicated to myself”
Taking care of myself is a full-time job. My schedule is full with a lot of “me time” right now.
11. “Because I’m already getting everything I need from one person: me”
I’m pretty self-satisfied right now. Knowing that a bunch of people -- not just one -- want to bang me is a bigger self-esteem booster.
12. “Because all the good ones have jobs that take up too much of their time”
The partner of my dreams can’t afford me yet. It’s OK. I’ll wait.
13. “Because it’s not for a lack of trying"
We feel you, dude. We feel you.
14. “Because I’m too busy living my life, forget about having time to plan it”
Planning a wedding is like a second job and you have enough to consider right now.
15. “Because Mr. Darcy only exists in books”
And "Bridget Jones’s Diary." Today’s Mr. Darcy shows his cleverness with a smart line on Hinge and breaks for tits instead of tea and wouldn’t travel in the rain to see you unless he knew he was spending the night.
16. “Because then you’ll start asking me when I’m having kids"
This has gone on way too far.