We spend so much time complaining about technology and how it’s ruined us (or whatever) that we forget that, nine times out of 10, our relationship with the person who's hearing our complaints wouldn’t exist without technology.
Yes, technology is annoying. It has isolated us and made us cripplingly dependent. But it has also made a lot of things possible.
Aside from helping us figure out where the f*ck we are at any given moment and providing us with the means to casually talk to a robot, technology has brought to life all sorts of new relationships that we take for granted today.
1. Your long-distance relationship.
This is a spark that is literally kept alive thanks to FaceTime, Skype and iMessage.
2. Your late-night booty call.
What would you use to tell “Jack Hot From Bar” to “cum over” at two in the morning without the glorious existence of text messaging?
3. Your Tinder soulmate.
It would be really hard to find love on dating apps if they didn't exist in the first place.
4. Your flirtationship with the guy you've had no real romantic involvement with.
This is a relationship totally and exclusively based on texting. Your flirty text banter is the only thing that keeps you coming back for more.
5. The boyfriend who used to be a random guy at a bar.
How would the now-love-of-your-life, John, have texted you that hilarious morning-after message if he NEVER HAD A NUMBER TO TEXT YOU ON?
6. Your sext buddies.
Sexting doesn’t exist without TEXTING.
7. Your flirty social media buddy.
You guys have no sort of relationship at all except for the fact that you randomly get excited every time he likes your picture.
8. Your “friendship” with the person you met 11 years ago on vacation.
Like the dear friends I made on my eighth-grade trip to Washington DC who are still my Facebook friends TO THIS DAY.
9. Your absurdly close relationship with your friends from high school who live across the country.
I'm not lying when I say I have not gone a day since June 15, 2011 (day of HS graduation) without speaking to my best friends from high school.
10. Your relationship with the clingy, annoying stalker who texts creepy sh*t nonstop.
Technology has provided creepy, annoying stalkers with a medium that helps them SHINE. While he used to be able to just creepily think about you, he can now actually text you that he's “thinking about you :)”
11. Your creepy Uncle Jack’s relationship with the mistress he found on Ashley Madison.
Having an affair used to be HARD. You had to go out there and find someone willing to break apart a home by your side. But now technology has made it easy to find someone who's 100 percent guaranteed to be DOWN.
12. Your casual hookups.
Before the dawn of dating apps, if you met a guy who kind of sucked, you made it work -- because you didn't know when the next one was going to come around.
Now, you can meet a guy who’s basically perfect except for the fact that he’s too short or he blinks too much. So, instead of holding on, you decide to “keep it casual.” You're well-aware that there are about a million more fish in the sea available right at the tip of your finger.
13. Your social media friend you think you know so well.
No, you technically haven't spoken to Marla from high school in years. BUT YOU KNOW SHE AND HER BOYFRIEND TOM ARE HAVING TROUBLE IN PARADISE BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T POSTED A PICTURE TOGETHER IN MONTHS!
14. Your too-close relationship with your favorite celebrities.
Social media has made it too easy for us to have a personal relationship with our favorite celebs.
I KNOW Kylie Jenner was on her way home from the clubs in NYC last night (this morning?) at 4 am, which sucks because she had to get back on her plane to LA at nine. But it's NBD, because she got to be reunited with her friends and get her eyebrows done in what I can only assume was her bedroom.
15. Your high school acquaintance who you’re now roped into getting drinks with next Tuesday.
You post ONE picture of yourself in New York City, only to receive a DM from your freshman-year homecoming date (in high school): “I had no idea you live here now! I’m actually in the city for the weekend and would love to catch up!”
16. Your mom’s friend who knows WAY too much about your life.
“Oh, Candice… I noticed you’re still single. Do you want me to set you up with my nephew?”
17. Your mom’s relationship with the high school sweetheart she reconnected with 40 years later.
“Can you believe he 'poked' me?! What does that mean? You know, he’s married now. OH, that is so bad!”
18. Your relationship with your parents after they created FB accounts and now believe they're completely updated on everything you do.
“You went out to dinner last night? But I didn’t see any pictures of it…?”
19. Your relationship with anyone who slides into your DMs on Twitter.
It would have been difficult for anyone to slide into your DMs before there were any DMs for them to slide into.
20. Your relationship with anyone who has ever asked you to "Netflix and chill."
Before Netflix, that was just NOT A THING.
21. Your relationship with the chivalrous gentleman who sent an Uber to pick you up.
He tapped a button on his phone and spent $20, so now you HAVE to sleep with him. Because that's how that works, right...?
22. Your favorite Uber driver-turned-therapist.
You and Diva have an unbreakable bond that would have never been created if it were not for Uber.
23. Your Re-LIKE-tionship.
You and this person have been liking each other's pictures loyally for years now.
24. Anybody who has ever been catfished by anyone.
Fat old men had a hard time pretending to be young hot women back when the only way to meet people was in person.
25. Your #1 social media fan.
That one random stranger who found your Twitter and retweets everything you say because you are HILARIOUS is a confidence booster that only tech-savvy people are able to enjoy.
26. Your #1 social media idol.
By the same token, that one random small-time comedian you follow religiously and are low-key obsessed with would have never made his way into your life if it weren't for social media.
27. The roommate you met on Craigslist.
You and Jen have a great living situation that would have NEVER happened if it were not for sweet, sweet technology.
28. Your Facebook friend on whom you've projected all your fantasies.
Johnny’s profile is perfect. Picture after picture of his chiseled smile with his perfect family on the beach in Nantucket. SIGN ME UP.
29. The ex who dumped you after seeing your FB pic with another guy.
Would have been pretty tough to find that picture if it were never posted on Facebook, huh?
30. The ex you dumped after seeing his Snapchat best friends.
Who THE F*CK is “WetPassion69”?!?!?!!?!