RIP To All Our Friends Who Got In Relationships And Became Boring
The other night, I had plans after work to FaceTime one of my friends from high school. We hadn't set a specific time, so I went to the gym before I got home, called another friend, cooked and ate dinner, did the dishes (you get the picture -- not really an exciting night, but I had sh*t to do).
All in all, this pushed our FaceTime back a few hours. In that time, he called about one million times. OK -- realistically, he called 20 times. But still.
I finally called him back and asked WHAT the huge rush was. He told me he was bored and had no friends. When I asked him what his best friend was up to, he said, "Ugh, he has a girlfriend now."
And he didn't need to say anything more. I knew exactly what he meant.
As soon as his best friend entered a relationship, everyone and everything else became irrelevant. It was time to mourn the loss of this friend, who might as well be dead.
Of course there are some people who know how to get in relationships and still manage to be fun, fully functioning members of their friend groups. But this article is in remembrance of the ones who don't.
They'll be missed.
RIP to the girls' nights we used to share.
So I guess "girls' night" has suddenly turned into me third-wheeling you and your guy on date night?
RIP to all the times “we” was me and you.
Now there's not even an “I” in your vocabulary anymore. There's just a “we,” and that “we” refers to you and him.
RIP to all of the nights we ended up in each other's beds.
You know those nights we would wake up on opposite ends of my bed in our clothes from last night, still a little drunk? Gone.
RIP to all of the nights the two of us would shut down the club together.
Now I can't even remember the last time you made it out past 10 pm. Every night has become you nervously glancing at your phone until it's time to go back home to him.
RIP to the months and months we spent as each other's hearts on Snapchat.
THIS random mofo is your best friend on Snapchat now, too?!? UGH!!!
RIP to getting the first text about whatever was going on in your life.
When something good happened, I used to be the first to know. Now he is.
RIP to all of the profile pictures I used to have an automatic slot in.
Now it's just couple shot after couple shot after couple shot.
RIP to the friendship bracelets you swapped for promise rings.
Not to mention the friendship tattoo we were supposed to get.
RIP to all of the nights you were my partner-in-crime.
Now you're just the mom I call to bail me out of jail.
RIP to all of the dirty details I used to know about your sex life.
It was all fun and games when he was just another guy you were banging, but now he's your “boyfriend,” and you don't want to “divulge too much.” WHAT, AM I SUPPOSED TO UN-REMEMBER THE FACT THAT WE USED TO NICKNAME HIS DONG “SHARKY”?!
RIP to the fun we used to have making fun of this dweebus before he became “the one.”
Suddenly, “SweatySteve” with the dong we named "Sharky" is “Steven,” and we aren't allowed to laugh when he starts sweating profusely through his gray T-shirt.
RIP to all of the times we spent making fun of the basic girls who posted couple selfies of themselves, like apple-picking.
Hard to make fun of them when you and SweatySteve have a cute little pic at the apple farm with a nice Valencia filter.
RIP to all of the time we used to spend getting ready together.
You don't have anyone to impress anymore.
RIP to all of the jokes we made about being forever alone.
The jokes about dying alone with 73 cats have a way of becoming super awkward when you respond by just awkwardly smiling and continuing to talk about how much you love your boyfriend.
RIP to all the New Year's Eve countdowns we spent together.
We still technically spend them together… it's just that now, “together” means me awkwardly trying to block off the creepy guy who keeps “accidentally” grabbing my ass while you and Steve lock lips and whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears when the clock strikes 12.
RIP to all of the crazy wedding fantasies that we'd spiral on about.
Now getting married is a real option for you, so you've unfortunately come to terms with the fact that Stevie Wonder will most likely not be performing “Isn't She Lovely” as you walk down the aisle.
RIP to all of the times when you were my go-to date.
So you're telling me I actually have to find someone else to take to my brother's wedding!?!?!?! BUT NOBODY KNOWS MY FAMILY LIKE YOU DO!!
RIP to all of the girls' trips we would take together.
As fun as it is to have girls'-night-plus-Steve, I still miss our long weekends together.
RIP to all of the double dates you were my wing-woman for.
So I'm supposed to go on this date…alone?!
RIP to all of the hilarious morning-after brunches.
Hard to have a funny recap when you and Steve were back home and in bed before the night even started.