I was chatting to a girlfriend recently about men because, unfortunately, a fair share of the day in the life of an average woman is taken up by thinking of them.
If we're single and window shopping, we're delighted we're able to check out every suit on the morning commute, but will end up wondering why we haven't been snapped up.
If we're taken, we'll undoubtedly find ourselves thinking about our significant other and our future together. While the majority of the time, our head is full of happiness, there are times men can truly irritate women. Here's how:
There is nothing attractive about impersonating a fish. Protruding one's lips and accompanying it with a smouldering eye is not seductive or sexy.
2. Lying in bed on your phone.
Hello, I'm spread out naked here next to you. Do you really need to be checking Facebook?
3. Being out to dinner and using your phone.
Unless you are snapping a foodie shot for Instagram, having it anywhere other than your pocket is unacceptable. We've come out to enjoy time and a meal together, if you wanted to communicate with someone else, why didn't you go out with that person?
4. Using your phone in the middle of a conversation.
This is just rude. When someone is speaking to you, have the decency to put your phone down. We as girls do not want to feel second best, especially not to a relationship with your phone.
5. Basically using your phone at inappropriate times.
6. Telling her to SHH, turning up the stereo and resuming like nothing happened.
I cannot tell you how infuriating it is to hear, "SHH, HANG ON ... so, what were you saying?" It's even worse if you raise your hand toward us in a "wait" motion, while trying to hear something as dumb as a football update. Then, once you've happily heard whatever it was, you continue like nothing happened.
7. Falling asleep in front of the television but waking up as soon as we change the channel.
Guys have this amazing ability to be able to still watch something while sleeping. Since they're snoring, we seize the opportunity to turn over to something else. Then, all of a sudden, without even opening his eyes he says, "I was watching that." Please explain to me how you manage to do so because I'm pretty sure it's impossible.
8. Treating our face moisturizer as a body lotion.
The clue here is demonstrated very clearly on the bottle. This is a FACE moisturizer. It's NOT intended for your feet, shaving rash or sunburn. That tube is probably overpriced, and therefore is meant to last several weeks, not in one go on several of your body parts.
9. Stealing the covers.
I know both sexes are incredibly guilty of this. However, let's take things into account for a minute; you weigh double what we do. There is no feasible way we can pry the duvet back off you because you weigh a ton! Not to mention you're a lot stronger than we are, so can withhold any tugging done in an attempt to win it back.
10. Saying we look "nice."
"Nice" is not a compliment. It's a word used by guys when they feel they should give you one. Use something with depth that is meaningful because you want to, not bland because you feel you have to.
11. Also, that we look "good."
12. Or, that we look "okay."
13. Backhanded compliments.
Saying that we "would look great in that if we lost a bit of weight" or "that would really suit you if you had bigger breasts" is never fun to hear. Likewise, your personality would really complement you if you didn't have a mouth.
14. Constantly referring to your ex-girlfriends, hookups or an attractive girl you walked past.
Trying to make us jealous actually only makes us angry. We should feel comfortable that you're ours, and we do not need to feel threatened by other women. Reminders of how incredible your ex was are beyond hurtful.
15. The inability to be quiet while we sleep.
Why is it that you cannot possess the ability to tip toe, move or open and close doors silently? Sounding like a heard of elephants and slamming every object you come across is infuriating, more so at 6 am when I could have had another hour of sleep.
16. Grabbing a girl's muffin top.
All women have it, and we all equally despise it. Grabbing it just highlights it's there, and makes our desires to forget about that unfortunate flabby part, impossible.
17. Pointing out our muffin top. Period.
18. Ignoring important texts.
Okay, we don't always have time to text -- I get that. There are many reasons in which you might not get back to us until later, and that's okay. However, when something is urgent, a sloth could climb a forest quicker than it takes for you to get back to me. GOD DAMMIT, REPLY!
19. Belittling us.
Saying, "you probably can't reach that" or "doubt you'll be able to lift that" is infuriating. Just because we are girls does not mean we cannot do something.
20. Telling us we can't drink and are lightweights.
Okay, to you, everything is a competition, and you always like to win. But, is it really an accomplishment to drink 18 pints and not feel a single one? No; I'd call that expensive and a waste.
21. Or that we won't be able to finish that plate of food.
So, if I do complete it, I'm fat. If I don't, you'll gloat that you were right. It's a lose-lose situation.
22. Organizing a time and being late.
What is the point in specifying a time if you're going to be late?!
23. Not telling us you're running late.
"Yeah, I'm literally round the corner; be there in two minutes," he says, leaving the house -- 20 minutes away.
24. If we're upset, blaming it on our hormones.
Uh, no, it is not my hormones. It is due to the fact that you are being a dick.
25. Asking if we're okay multiple times.
Just because we aren't as smiley as usual doesn't mean we're not okay. Maybe we just don't feel like smiling today. Sometimes that happens, and yes, I'm sure.
26. Then telling us to smile.
If we don't feel like doing something, accept it. Telling us to smile when we're not in the mood is a sure way to piss us off.
27. Thinking "it's okay" means it's okay.
It does not. Whatever it is, it's not okay.
28. Same goes for "it's fine."
Nope. Not fine.
Approaching us multiple times when we've already hinted that we are only interested in a girl's night will never work. How do I paint this picture any clearer? We are not playing hard-to-get, and we do not want your attention. Go away.
30. Insulting our friends, family, pets, cuddly toys and anything we've built a deep connection with over a long period of time.
31. Not fighting back.
Sometimes we want you to fight back. It shows you really care.
32. Not accepting the blame.
It takes two to tango, so we are both equally to blame.
33. Making a mess after we've cleaned.
How can you possibly undo two hours worth of cleaning in two minutes?
34. Leaving the toilet seat up.
35. Leaving skid marks.
There is a brush right beside the toilet! Why should we have to scrub away your sh*t?
36. Getting jealous over a celebrity.
If we say Daniel Craig looks good in a blue Speedo, don't take it as an insult. You don't need to respond with a frosty, "Yeah, well, Miranda Kerr is amazing" comment. Durr, we know she is and totally agree. There's no need to get jealous over our unrealistic fantasy.
37. Repeating already unfunny jokes.
38. Stretching/shrinking our clothes.
Trying to fit into our clothes WILL stretch them! And, while we appreciate you washing, please read the labels of what you're putting in first! If it says cold wash, assume that means cold wash and won't be okay at 40 degrees.
39. Wolf whistling, staring at us or looking us up and down.
We are not animals; our species has evolved. I don't know where you were in that stage, but it is not acceptable to whistle or glare at us like a piece of meat.
40. Talking to our breasts.
41. Over-the-top male grooming.
Okay, manscaping and keeping self-maintenance is important, but if you take longer to get ready than we do, there's a serious problem.
42. Filing silence for the sake of it.
Sometimes we like to just sit there in silence and enjoy a moment of peace and quiet. Feeling the awkward need to say something is annoying.
44. Disguising insults as jokes.
If we've had an argument the night before, do not bring our baggage to the social event the next day. Sure, it might be funny for your ignorant friends, but we can see straight through your cleverly disguised insults.
45. Scuffing your feet.
46. Wearing sneakers for anything over than sports.
Sneakers are not day-to-day, normal shoes. They do not go with everything -- certainly NOT jeans.
47. Eating with your mouth open.
48. Slurping the last part of your drink.
49. Shaming us for sex.
If we like it, we're a slut. If we don't, we're frigid. Sorry, where is the middle ground?
50. Not holding a door open.
Holding a door open is common courtesy. We do it for other women, men, pets, children, etc. If you see someone behind you, it's social etiquette to hold the door.
51. Constantly holding your penis.
52. Giving jokes but not being able to take them.
We can definitely take it, and we will dish it out.
53. Making plans and letting us down last minute.
This makes you unreliable, and we hate that.
54. Narrating our eating habits.
Guys love making comments that we "don't eat" or taking the mick out of our current diet. Then, highlighting everything we do eat in the next breathe. Leave us and our eating habits alone.
55. Dithering and dawdling.
If you have something to do, do it. Taking forever and a day to do something is frustrating!
56. Being indecisive.
You know your own mind; make it up already.
57. Being selfish.
58. Being disloyal and dishonest.
59. When you literally do nothing.
How do you possibly have nothing to do? And why do you seem to make time or a plan to do nothing? We really cannot comprehend how you can do absolutely nothing and enjoy it.
60. Never being excited to see our friends.
How is it that we can hang out with your guy friends, but when we ask you to hang out with the girls your face looks like we've asked you never to watch porn again?
61. Inability to understand time frames.
Getting to so and so's house does not take 15 minutes, it takes an hour and 15 minutes.
62. Being noncommittal.
Why is it something as simple as making plans for Saturday night is impossible for 99.9 percent of guys?
63. Picking your toenails and leaving them.
Whether it's in the bathroom, bedroom or lounge, put them in the bin afterwards! Discovering your discarded old nails is gross, and it's not within our job description to dispose of.
64. Leaving scum in the bath.
When that time comes and you swap the shower for a soak in the bath, please wipe the scum and wash the sides. This is not something we take pleasure in cleaning.
65. Telling us we cannot drive.
Granted, some female drivers suck, there are some of us who are awesome!
66. Saying our taste in music or movies is awful.
Everyone has an opinion and preferred genre. We don't expect you to enjoy ours, and vice versa. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it's rubbish so stop calling what we like crap. Accept that we're all different.
67. Admitting you fancy our mother, sisters, aunts, cousins or any close family.
As if there wasn't enough competition already, we're now competing with blood? Brilliant.
68. Asking too many questions.
69. Not asking enough questions.
70. Altering all the favorite radio stations to am.
NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME FROM THIS.
71. Deleting something we recorded but hadn't watched.
How would you react if we erased the football before you got a chance to catch the result? All hell would break loose. Well, likewise, we were looking forward to watching the grand finale of "Next Top Model."
72. Deleting something we recorded but had watched.
We as women are organized; therefore, if we've left something on the planner, it's there for a reason. We may have fallen asleep, not really paid attention or simply want to watch it again. If we haven't deleted it after we've watched it, DO NOT delete it for us.
73. Being messy.
Then claiming we're just as messy if not worse. Never is either statement true.
74. Expecting us to organize EVERYTHING.
It does not come programmed in us to organize everything. How is it you can manage to arrange to meet the boys over beer, but when you want to take us out you miraculously can't plan anything?
75. Asking a question and not responding to the answer.
What is the point of asking in the first place if you don't even listen to the answer?
76. Not listening.
77. Finishing yourself off before we've climaxed as well.
Uninteresting. Unsatisfied. Unmemorable. Ultimately Tragic. No good reports result from this.
78. Blaming us for not having a cure for your hangover.
You're a big enough boy to get yourself into this mess; you can yourself out of it.
79. Not noticing the little things.
80. And when you do, stating them as observations, not compliments.
"You changed your hair" is not "have you had a haircut?"
81. Cheating in board games.
82. Getting in a huff when we beat you at a board game.
83. Then claiming we cheated at the board game.
84. Not admitting defeat.
It's okay to be beaten from time to time.
85. Thinking we always want you to pay.
As we're both capable of earning one's keep, we should both pay. Girls shouldn't expect a guy to pay for everything, and guys shouldn't be reliant on women.