4 Deep Questions To Ask Your Partner If You Feel Like They're Pulling Away


I once got food poisoning from a very renowned oyster spot in the basement of a very famous train station in New York City that shall remain nameless (ish). Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. In fact, it felt like what I imagine dying feels like (#drama). Still, I'd prefer shellfish sick-to-your-stomach knots over the knots that come from knowing the person you love is pulling away from you. Heartbreak sucks, to put it plainly. I try to avoid it at all costs. If you too hate sadness, you might brainstorm some questions to ask your boyfriend to find out why the F he's pulling away.

The thing about "pulling away" is that it's a pretty vague term. Pulling away could mean your partner is having a bad night and just wants to go to bed early sans sex because of the current state of the world, which is a boner killer for sure. Pulling away could also mean that they have been harboring some doubt for a while now, and rather than tell you about it, they've decided to ruminate on their own for a bit until they figure things out.

It's a terrible feeling to be wondering if your partner is "over it," and your imagination is probably going to tell you something like "they despise you and are just sticking around until your lease it up." So be an adult and ASK THEM WHAT'S HAPPENING! (I feel passionately about this.) Here are some things you can say:

1. Can I Take You On A Date?

This is a starting off point for the confrontation-shy people out there. If you feel like your partner is pulling away, you might try to determine whether they are actually pulling away in reality or in your head by asking them out. That's right, dates are important forever.

See how your partner responds, and then plan something special for them. If they are avoidant or an assh*le about it, then you say: "What's the deal? Because last time I checked, we were dating." Easy. (And a little bit sassy, but hey, your boo should want to go on a date with you.)

2. Are You Happy?

I know, super dramatic turn here. This doesn't have to be, "Are you happy with me?" but if you simply ask, "How are you?" you probably won't get much in return. Check in with your partner genuinely about how they're feeling. Maybe something at work is stressful that you don't know about, and your partner will be happy to vent about it. This is a good way to check your paranoia.

3. Can You Take Care Of The Apartment When I Go Away Next Weekend?

Now, I don't think you should need your partner's approval to go on a trip, because you are an independent woman who chooses what to do with her time. I also don't think you need to empty your bank account to give your partner space for the weekend because, again, you are allowed to do whatever you want. But I do think getting away from your partner for a bit will allow you to reflect on what's really going on. Giving your partner space might also make them reconsider how they've been acting in the relationship.

Pick a cool getaway; I'm dying to go to Charleston.

4. Do You Love Me?

I know, just putting it out there is scary, but isn't this really what you want to ask your partner? I wouldn't encourage this in a paranoid, every-other-day-ask kind of way, but if you are uncertain of how your partner feels for you because they are exceedingly withdrawn, just f*cking ask the question. (I know, I'm being harsh; I'm just a big believer in telling it like it is.) If you are someone with trust issues, however, don't take this route until you're certain your partner is truly pulling away.

All in all, you're going to have doubts about your relationship sometimes. Everyone does. Your partner is also allowed to have doubts and take time with those feelings so that they can sort them out. You can't force a relationship, but you can decide what you want from one. If you want a partner who communicates their feelings about you openly and regularly, be with someone who will tell you "I love you, I'm just busy at work right now, sorry for being so distant." Otherwise, you will go insane the rest of your relationship's days.

Find someone who leaves you with no doubts about the way they feel about you. That's what everyone deserves.

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