My emotional rock bottom was when I drunk texted an old boyfriend 20 times in a row one night and told him, if he didn't respond, I would break up with him.
We had already broken up nearly a year before, though, so my intoxicated logic didn't quite make sense. But after I get a few drinks in me, I become absolutely certain that my exes — from my 8th grade boyfriend to that guy I dated two weeks ago — need to hear from me. It's imperative that I text them the knife emoji at 3 a.m. I absolutely have to!
Drunk texting in general has changed the dating game. It's not anything our grandparents had to deal with; I don't think my grandma ever sent my grandpa a five-minute Snapchat story after a night of too many tequila shots with the gals.
And here's the thing: In most cases, drunk texting is not a good look. There's the rare case where a little liquid courage and a charged-up iPhone are all a couple needs to get back together. But from my experience — and I don't know about you — it always ends up with me wanting to throw my phone into the ocean the next morning.
To prevent you from throwing your phone into the ocean, here are some questions you can ask yourself before you drunk text your ex.
How are you going to feel about this sober?
I try to live by this rule: When in doubt, don't.
If sober you is going to be embarrassed by the behavior of drunk you, try to wait out your intoxicated impulses. Regret isn't a great feeling. But you know what is a good feeling? Knowing you had the self-discipline to not contact that guy who didn't treat you that well anyway.
What are you hoping to get out of this?
Are you hoping to get back together with this person? Because drunk texting your ex at 2 a.m. isn't exactly showing him the best version of you.
If your desire is to potentially form a healthy relationship, to show your ex you've changed, or to prove you have your act together, this probably isn't the best way to do it. If that's what you want, contact him after you've meditated, showered, and gone to the farmer's market or something.
But if you're just looking for fun, or if your ex could potentially be swerved into booty-call territory, then hey, YOLO.
Can you just raid your fridge instead?
Seriously, is there food in your fridge to eat that is better than your ex-boyfriend?
I'm talking leftover pizza, cold Chinese food, a block of cheese, ice cream... anything?
Have you established post-breakup boundaries?
If you two made an agreement not to talk after you broke up, then you should honor that.
Part of being a mature adult (unfortunately) is honoring boundaries that are put in place in and out of relationships. It's just good dating karma.
If you're still talking and hanging out with your ex in that excruciating gray area, though, then go for it. But beware, you might not get a text back.
Can you text a friend instead?
Find a friend to send your impulsive texts to.
Every time I get tempted to send angry emails, regrettable nudes, or drunk texts, I send them to my best friend instead.
Our relationship is the definition of TMI, but it saves me from a lot of embarrassment. And to be honest, it's actually kind of fun.
But wait... do you still have feelings for your ex?
Because if you do, that's a whole other situation entirely — one to be handled by sober you. If you find yourself missing your ex when you're both drunk and sober, then it might be time to have a phone call or an in-person meeting (read: not a text message) to talk about what's really going on.
There are plenty of things you can do drunk. But maybe texting an ex shouldn't be one of them.