I Wore A Tuxedo On My Penis To Turn On My Fiancé
You might have read this title and asked, “What the hell is a penis tuxedo?” I'll admit when I received one in the mail for testing purposes, I shared your same reaction. I'm sorry to inform you that the penis tuxedo isn't some metaphorical sex toy. Nope, this penis tuxedo — the TUX — it is exactly that: a tuxedo for the penis.
It's nothing extravagant really, but it's certainly indicative of what's to come in terms of intimate male apparel.
Ever since famous fashion designer Vivienne Westwood sent male models down the runway with penis pendants around their necks in her SS16 menswear collection in Milan, luxury sex toy manufacturer, LELO, was inspired. It opted to take penis fashion one step (one flop?) further. This inspiration would birth the TUX, “a luxurious concept in male intimate apparel inspired by the classic tuxedo – but for the penis.”
According to LELO, similar accessories date as far back as the 12th century, when shepherds would wear “a knitted cover” to protect their personal assets in freezing temperatures.
To this, Steve Thomson, the chief marketing officer at LELO, said,
We wanted to bring this concept to a global audience, while updating it with a stylish and modern twist. In 2016, it really is incredible that the concept of male intimate apparel has not been explored further.
And he's right. I myself have been on the lookout for male lingerie to wear for my girlfriend as a way to pay her back for doing the same for me. But as I would find, most male lingerie on the market is either a man-made version of cross-dressing. I've tried on my share of male lingerie, and there's nothing out there. Trust me.
LELO sees this — as well as the fact that the female lingerie market is expected to be worth $30 billion by 2020 — and wants to change things for the better, to even the scales for men. Because evidently, there's a lack of brands operating in the category of male intimate apparel.
Needless to say, a TUX was delivered to my house the week of its release. And unlike most forms of lingerie, it's (relatively) inexpensive at only $40.
Packaging-wise, the TUX is beautiful. It resembles something of a thicker finger puppet (approximately the width and length of a Red Bull can) and is made with surprisingly high-quality materials.
The TUX does appears to be formal wear suitable for the prettiest of penises. I'd go as far as to say it's the type of tux Bond would wear. It even has a miniature rose on the lapel. It's much fancier than anything I've ever worn to a formal event.
But then, I attempted to put it on. At first, the sock-like garment looked like it could only wrap around a dick that's the size of a soda can. And a soda can I was not. That is, until I discovered it was supposed to be secured around the penis and the testicles (thankfully).
So, posed in front of a mirror while my girlfriend watched Netflix in the bedroom next door, I strapped it on, and I felt ridiculous.
"Am I supposed to be hard or soft while wearing this?" I thought. If worn on a flaccid penis, the wearer should certainly be more of a shower than grower. That is the only possible way this thing would be like anything but a very sad flag. Otherwise, the suit would only be far too large and in desperate need of a tailor. When hard, this isn't as much of an issue.
As soon as I put the thing on, glanced in the mirror and tried to put my sexy face on, my intentions with the TUX were clear: I'd have to play this off as a joke. Since this is more my style anyway, I was cool with it. And that's exactly what I did.
I sauntered in the bedroom like a budget "Magic Mike" and began dancing — rather sexily, I might add — toward the bed. My fiancé absolutely loved it, but not for the reasons it's intended for.
“It was cute! But not very sexy,” she said. “I love seeing you naked, but the fact that it's a tuxedo is strange to me. You in a nice pair of boxer briefs is much sexier.”
I'd have to agree with her. A tuxedo for the penis? This can't possibly be considered legitimately sexy. Maybe it is, but just not on me. Who knows?
As somebody who wore the TUX for sexual purposes, I will say the TUX is as unsexy as lingerie can possibly come. But, I will add it can get the wearer laid. Women find humor sexy, and wearing said garment can only be taken as a joke. Right?
For $40, the TUX is inexpensive enough to purchase as a joke gift for a friend or even as a smaller gift for birthdays, anniversaries or Valentine's Day for your partner.
Since the male lingerie market is very scarce and could certainly use some more viable options, I can only applaud LELO's first foray into the market, but have to admit it was something of a miss. I would rather a pair of sexy boxer briefs instead. Or maybe, even some penis pajamas. Yeah, maybe I could get into that.